Friends that are not real friends

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I've been befriended by someone I don't really like and it's getting me down. I feel like everyone thinks we are best buddies, but I don't really like this person. We have absolutely nothing in common and I feel like she thinks we're friends because I am quiet and I just let her talk. She just talks and talks and talks about nothing and she's soooo boring. There is nothing intelligent between her ears. She's very negative as well and always leaves me feeling down. But I feel like if I pull away people will judge me. I feel like I'm living a lie and I have this constant guilt hanging over me. I feel like one day I will snap and tell her we were never friends and she should just go away!

I've recently realised that 2 of my other friends are not really friends at all. One who is older than me was always putting me down. I would have an idea to work on to improve my life and she would cut me down and say it won't work and why won't I listen to her because she has more life experience. She's not a happy person and the kind who never takes a chance to improve, so feels like no one else should try either. She just wants everyone to be as miserable as her.

The other was a woman my friend married and she deliberately leaves me out of things and won't come round when I invite her. There's always some last minute excuse. I tried to be friends with her for his sake, but I think she's maybe jealous of me because I knew him before she met him and I'm thinner than her.

Why can't I ever be friends with people I like? Intelligent, happy, nice people who I can have fulfilling converstaions with. I feel like there's no point bothering anymore. I just spend my weekends in the house.

Every day I am disappointed that yet again I've had to wake up and keep on being alive.

I am the same. In 29 years I only have 2 people I consider a real friends outside of my family (and one of those lives on the other side of the world). I don't waste my time on negative people anymore. That's not to say that I ditch friends immediately if they annoy me. But if they are constantly negative/unpleasant then I will distance myself from them. I think you have to get out there and meet a lot of people to find just 1 or 2 you are compatible with.

Just some vague thoughts. Friends need a few things to continue in a healthy way. Getting along well is number 1. It doesn't seem that is the case with those you mention. Another is common interests or activities that continue. In other words some sort of life together.

Oftentimes your left with what is around and available, like at a workplace or perhaps in a social circle. But I guess you have to ask yourself if you are in the right social circle if there aren't actually any true friends in it.

A piece of me wonders if it's a self-esteem issue. I know some positive folks, but I assume that they will not like me. So I hang around with broken people with low self-esteem who are desperate for a friend, so grab on to me because I am quiet and then they seem to think they can boss me around.

It's a vicious circle. My self-esteem becomes lower because of the way these "friends" treat me and I feel like no one will like me. Then I start feeling angry with these people and lash out at them confirming that I am not very nice to people, so why should people like me?

I have in the past moved away from a bad group of friends only for the same thing to happen again in a new town. I meet nice people, but never become friends with them. I only become friends with people who are desperate for company who I don't really have anything in common with.

It may be a big part of it, the self esteem. Do you have shifts in it? Like at times you feel more confident about yourself and at others you don't? It has been like that for me, though I found concentrating on getting one main area right (like profession) was a good anchor to hang onto during bad periods.

But over time confidence in some things did solidify, as I became more aware of just exactly what I was. At that point, I and maybe you can put to rest any questions about whether you had intelligence, whether you had any good qualities. Part is accepting that you will not be good at all things or have all good qualities, but that in the sum are a pretty good person. And part is gaining a more realistic view of others and their faults as well as strengths.

On a more esoteric note, I found that those at the top of society/social groups are really made of identical stuff as the folks on the bottom. Over time and thru expereinces I found better human beings with Down Syndrome then Commanders Politicans and CEO's.

Yes, sometimes I feel more confident than other times. but I think all people are like that. We fluctuate in how we feel depeding on what is going on in our lives.

I'm not looking for "cool" or "popular" friends. They tend to be shallow people. I am looking for people who are happy and positive. I know people like that already, but I just don't know how to be friends with them.

Apart from two positive friends I have who are just as socially awkward as me, but they live far away so I only see them once in a while. They are not like leechy friends who drain my energy and just want attention for attention's sake or who keep thinking they need to take pot shots at me just to make themselves feel like I'm not better than them. They are people who when I am feeling down have the ability look at the situation and see a positive aspect to it and focus on that. One, even when he is slightly angry with me and giving me a lecture still manages to do so in an encouraging way that makes me feel like I can do better and I will do better the next time.

I have seen that coinciding of confidence with when things are going well. Success breeds success is one way of putting it. But I also see it rise or sink for no apparent reason at all. That I attribute to some mood swing caused by some unseen glitch in the minds chemistry lab.

It seems you know what to look for then in friends. Definately positivity (if thats a word... pardon me for I am licentious with English) and also that balance of giving as much as taking. That they are basically or usually happy also. Maybe not everyone looks for that, but it is the same that I do. Its a plus that you can handle positive criticism, for that is a key to working out issues with someone, as long as that someone is open themselves to it and is seeking the truth of the matter, not just their way.

I guess in previous post I was getting at not holding back if you meet someone like that. Not letting your own lack of self esteem be an obstacle. Sometimes you don't get many chances or opportunities to break the ice or make an approach, so you have to kind of jump on the opportunity when it arrises.

I was also suggesting the lack of self esteem was more an atitude or self perception and not based in reality. I assume that if you understand what it is that attracts you in a friend, that you are or work to be that yourself. Those are the inner things. On the outside my impression is you are a successful functioning person in the world. That is more then enough to esteem. On timing and meeting the typical schedules of life, you must make allowences for variation and perhaps being on the spectrum. If you are on the spectrum it is very normal to not follow typical patterns. But you can still get there. Like solving a math problem, not by the formula they teach, but in some other way you come up with in your head.

You know there are others looking for the same friendships, though you may not be able to tell from the outside.

I wish I hadn't written this thread. I was feeling really low the other day. It looks really judgemental now. Who am I to call people negative when I am so negative myself?

Hey, you're human. This is the right place for it.

It's hard being positive it there's a lot of negativity around you. Maybe you're too hard on yourself? I wish you well.

Yeah, I agree. This is the place to express your thoughts in whatever form. Sometimes it helps to do that. To get it out. Open Mike for the brain? But I am sorry if my responses weren't helpful. I don't always get it right.

I can relate but it's more of a one-shot friendships, they befriend you once, the next day it's like "Do I know you?"
Or worse, they won't answer your calls.
The latter happened- I was excited to meet this fellow aspie, and we did meet in personal, but after that day she never answered my calls. EVER.
I felt like the whole of Fairfield betrayed me and want to avoid me like the plague! AND I HATE IT, BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE LEGIT FRIENDS!
Sorry for the caps, just felt like releasing my anger there about my place.