Irksome

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This scenario can happen to me, and really I hate it.

Given NT will make an off-hand seriously offensive commentary to me. Consequently, I am left floored. Just appalled that they said it, and to me. Then time passes, and that individual will make another reference, to which I remind them that is really inappropriate, citing their previous faux pas.

The individual acts as if they are totally shocked!! Replying something like 'I most certainly did not!! I would NEVER say something like that! !' When in fact, they did.

I have a really good memory. Maybe too good, and I can often replay what was said to me like a recorder. I do know that sometimes words pop out of some people's mouths and they're not aware. When it's replayed for them, they are either in denial and/or shocked. Then I am basically accused of making it up, even lying, or 'twisting' the truth! As if my own credibility is in question and 'how dare I accuse them of this.' This attitude seriously makes me furious.

Does this happen to you? I am told that what matters is that you know in your own heart what is right and wrong, but how when there is no accountability by those who infringe in this way?

I don't have this exact thing happen, but what happens is instead of denying it, people say they are joking and it wasn't serious.

I've learned that when confronting anyone with anything and their first answer is some synonym of I was making a joke at your or someone elses expense, they are a bad person, and not to be trusted under any circumstance. My brother does this. It's a litmus test I use to judging someone.

It's not a joke to be mean or cruel to anyone. I don't know why the person can't own up to what they said was wrong or innapropriate instead of spinning it to make them seem less bad.

I may be less forgiving, but I cut people out of my life when I find this happens. I've been hurt to many times by people who have made fun of me only to turn around and say to an authority figure, or me that it was only a joke and thus everything is okay.

My ex wife used to do this a lot. She still does it often to my daughter. My daughter and I discuss it regularly - shocked that someone thinks that repeating a lie somehow makes it the truth.

The implied lack of respect is appalling.

Yes, this is really callous......to brush it off as a 'joke' is irresponsible. As if it does not matter.

doofy: Isn't that just so supremely manipulative? Oof, I know just what you mean. It begs the question though, do they actually forget? Or is this their mechanism for being mean? I do wonder how anyone can say something so crass and then conveniently 'forget?' You've precisely described gas lighting! >>> http://www.ask.com/wiki/Gaslighting?o=2 ... ap=ask.com

My mum varies from "forgetting", to asserting her remarks were emotionaly neutral and it is my perception which is at fault. The former is easier to handle - the latter is pure gaslighting.

My last g/f did it too - she was a gaslighter, telling me my "flawed perceptions" were due to my rejection issues. I reckon they were due to her DID issues with memory not surviving the switch between personalities.

In all cases it is deeply boring, involves too much analysis for a brain that is condemned to over analyse anyway...

Much depends on the exact situation, what is said and the person saying it. I am not sure one can generalize.

Lots of people say callous, cras or mean things and it can mean different things to each of them. In other words a guy coming from a rough environment might say some pretty colorful and offensive things but not be thinking that is really offensive. Its the normal lingua franqua of his life. Another guy knows full well he is being offensive and does so purposely constantly pushing the boundries of what he can get away with.

As far as remembering things like that very well it may be due to good memory or perhaps due to the fact that it bothered or hurt you and so it was recorded in your memory with more importance. When looking at it, it is also good to try and factor in if you are very sensitive and if things that wouldn't bother most are in fact bothering you. In that case someone might say something believing it non-offensive and not realizing it is to you.

If you have brought it up with someone, that certain things offend you, there is no guareentee it will fix the problem. It depends on how they react and feel about it. Some will try and make excuses like saying it was a joke, or that you are too sensitive etc. Or in your stated case deny it happened altogether. It is possible they are lying as most are not comfortable with being called out or criticized. I myself wouldn't bring it up with casual aquaintences or strangers. I would only try and work it out with people I wish to have long term contact with and have a basic trust for. With the others I would handle it differently, like dish the same back to them or avoid them if its easy to do, etc.

That's easy to deal with. He's employing his linguistic register and one simply does an internal "translation".

The problem lies with those who employ gaslighting as a technique for emotional manipulation.