little relapse on my mother-issues

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Last week i was cleaning up my house, when i found an old jacket, with a letter from my mother in its pocket. It was a letter my mother wrote to me 2 years ago, when i was struggling with her and the terrible relationship we have. I decided to talk to her about it, and this letter was her response. Not a nice response though. In fact, that response was so negative, i really thought about it to break all contact with my parents forever, but i didn't because i really didn't wanted to be that way. I was willing to fight one more time, to solve this issue within myself. You know, forgive my parents for being not perfect and all, and i succeeded in this! I found a way to accept them for who they are, and let the past be the past.

I destroyed all emails and letters i got in that time, because i didn't wanted to stay in that kind of negativity. It was so much of anger and pain, blames and sadness, and i really wanted to cut the circle and start with a clean sleeve, so i did. At least, i thought i destroyed everything. Didn't knew i still had that one letter in my jacked.
So when i found it, stupid me, began reading it, and all the pain, sadness, anger and disappointment about my mother came back She was not very nice to me in that letter. Now i'm very sad again. I thought i had processed all this negativity, but now it's coming right back at me again. Not as much as 2 years ago, luckily, but the words still hurt. I don't understand why a mother would talk to her own daughter in a way that makes her feel hurt and does everything wrong!

I remember again why i'm feeling so rejected by my own mother. Wish i never had read that stupid letter again! I know it was 2 years ago, and i forgave her for it (i really did!), and moved on. I learned to accept that the band with my own mother can never be the way i like it, because she is too autistic for that (you read the irony on this?). But still, somewhere deep inside of me, it still hurts that it can never be positive and great. I just really miss a mother-figure. A mother who understands you, and is there for you on an emotional level! Who gives you the feeling that you're the best person in the whole wide world, and admire's you for who you are and let you feel (not say, but really letting you feel) that she does! Who has faith in you as an adult and doesn't question you and the things you're doing. Who just knows who you really are, and letting you be who you want to be. I really miss that kind of mother, especially i know that my own mother can never be that person.

I guess this will always be the saddest thing in my life, and i know i got to deal with this. I understand that those feelings are real and that they may be there because they are the truth. But damn! they are not 'fun' feelings! So, i lay in my bed, and cry a lot, until i don't have any more tears left, get up, dry up my face, give myself a kick in the butt and say to myself i don't must be such a 'baby' and move on somehow. Say a lot of positive quotes and affirmations about myself and feel strong again. Oh yeah, and i'm gonna burn that letter like i had to do 2 years ago!

Thank you for listening, for whoever is reading this. I feel much better already! Just amazing what a forum can be for. I just really wanted to talk about this, just to clear my head a little bit. Because that's what a human being needs sometimes, right?

Like you, I crave the mum I never had. Foolishly, I still try to be a "good boy", as if one day I will finally pass her tests.

A couple of years ago I found a .doc in her computer recycle bin with my name on it.

I had thought we were making progress at last, but reading the doc I realised we weren't. And never would.

Set me back a year or so reading that file...

That is a unexpected and hard way to have a wound reopened. I know that feeling of everything coming back to you, almost reliving the time. It basically just sucks.

Certain emotional injuries like some physical ones, never trully go away completely. They slowly hurt less and do get better in time, but you always carry the scars and they can ache again from time to time.

It seems however you have made very good progress seeing your parents as they really are and accepting that. I can't say it will happen, but it is possible that the relationships could become better in time. As individuals they might change in some ways over time. Its not something you can predict, but you can be open to it if starts to happen. People still continue to learn lessons and reevaluate themselves thru-out life. But its something you have to wait for, for it must come from inside the person themselves.

I kind of know how you feel. I have never had a close relationship with my Mother and I never will. She is autistic too, but she is different to me. I am a lot more socially aware, it's been an intellectual process for me learning to how interact with people and in my 20s I realised that I had grown up and she hadn't. Even though I've learned things, she never seems to and is always stuck in the same place. It's like having another sibling, not a Mother. I will never have an actual Mom like other people do, instead she will always be that teenager who gave birth to me. She never grows up.

I sometimes feel like she views me as a rival though. I think there is a bit of borderline personality disorder going on with her too. I feel like she can't allow me to succeed and has to take a pot shot at me from time to time to bring me down a peg or two. I felt like as a teenager she deliberately held me back and wanted me to be as unsuccessful as her even though she knew that I was intelligent enought to go to university and get a good job. I eventually got qualifications as an adult.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a mother that looked after me like a mother. What would school have been like if I'd had a mother who had been aware of what I needed. A mother who was aware when my clothes were worn out or that my shoes were not weather proof.

When I lived with her I used to cry myself to sleep pratically every night. It's nice to live alone and feel like I don't have to walk on eggshells. I can't imagine having a family of my own. The family I had growing up wasn't pleasant and I can't imagine a family being a good thing. I can't imagine being in a relationship. What man could possibly understand the family that I've come from?

The only 2 men I've ever really felt close to also came from quiet disfunctional families and understood my life. I think that's why I don't make a move with guys. I don't feel like I'm normal enough for them.

Thanks for all the comments! You guys are great! Btw I finally did it! I burned the letter. This is the prove:


(blurred the lines to protect my mothers privacy a little bit, because that's what i think a good daughter should do, but you see the idea right?)



I felt a little bit bad-ass but also liberated. I checked all my pockets to be sure no more letters anywhere! This was really the last tangible negative thing i had from my mother, and now it's gone! I really can recommend it to anyone to burn stuff that is bothering you! To actually see things go up in flames is really powerful to help moving on. Yeeey for me, and yeeey for you guys! Thanks for listening and commenting! I feel much better now!

Well done

The burning has a symbolic value that is probably greater than the practical...

Thanks! yeah it sure is! Also very funny, soon after it turned into ashes, it started to rain out here. So after everything was burned, everything just flushed away because of the rain and leaving no trail. And after that the sky turned clear and blue again, the sun came through. Thought that was very symbolic too, because that's just the way i felt!