Confused and depressed over everything.

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(Just adding trigger warnings for talk of sex, and self-harm in case anyone who's young or sensitive sees this).

Ever since school went back, I've been getting angrier and angrier at myself, and as a result, angry at everyone else. I've never contemplated suicide since I fear death like you wouldn't believe, but lately it just feels like everything's my fault. I've just started my last year of high school and have no real group to sit with, since everyone's split themselves up into cliques leaving no place for me.

It's been this way ever since I started, and to add to that, I have no social skills and prefer to do things my own way rather than conforming... which means I listen to the "wrong" music in their eyes, and wear the wrong clothes and never wear makeup because I hate it and don't know how to apply it anyway.

And on top of all that, I hate my feminine-looking body, and the idea of being a "woman" who belongs to the female gender is so unappealing to me, since I find my body unattractive and its functions to be a curse rather than a "gift" or "miracle" as some would say. Some days I feel I'd be better off with no gender at all, but I can't let go of the words "she" and "her" and can't think of any names I like apart from my pseudonym, Haruka, which is culturally inappropriate for someone of European descent (even if I couldn't care less what my race is, since it isn't a strong part of my identity at all) despite how much I love and identify with it. Nor can I let go of my appearance - I'm getting my hair chemically straightened tomorrow and am looking forward to it. Basically, I'd be happiest as a vaguely female-looking being free from any gender roles with no ability to reproduce, and this makes me hate myself because everyone else says it's probably "just another thing you'll get over as you're older".

The other thing confusing me right now is sexuality - no idea where I'd fit in. I used to fantasise regularly about boys, but now the whole idea of touchy-feely teen relationships is really offputting to me, despite how much I want to be in a relationship with someone, and I only occasionally have sexual thoughts about people now, usually celebrities or people I've invented in my head. I'm put off by the idea of having to do dirty talk during sex, or making any noises at all, because it just seems so embarrassing and subhuman. I also dislike the idea of having to be either the dominant or submissive one and being treated like a toy rather than a person. I also worry that I'll find someone who's perfect then go off him, all because I suddenly decide I don't want a boyfriend (I hate that label anyway, it makes me think of immature types who say things like "He's totally my BF lol" but "partner" sounds so... unromantic, like you're comparing the person you're dating to your lab partner in a chemistry class or something) and then start resenting the fact I let him get away.

I just had a huge meltdown in front of my parents and punched myself in the stomach, just above the waist. I'm so worried I've caused some severe, irreversible damage, even though it only hurts a little when I suck in my stomach, and I managed to down a glass of chocolate soymilk just fine.

I just wish I had a way to deal with this. People do say the teens are the toughest stage of life, and I can't wait until the day I finally stop being an angry, moody teen and turn into a calmer adult.

Oy! My goodness. You just brought back what it feels like to be a teen. Those were some of the worst years of my life. Unlike you, I was suicidal and thought I would kill myself at any given moment. (I actually never tried until I was 30 but then it was fueled by drugs and alcohol and loneliness).

My heart goes out to those of us in need, especially the younger ones. I've learned a lot over the years, but it doesn't make me an expert. As a matter of fact, I still issues at my age. I'm glad at least there are places like WP where we can reach out to, and console, each other. It's better than nothing, right?

You have a lot of mental energy. Does it make sense to you that it can be used in constructive, neutral and destructive ways? Thats how I think and so believe that if you can harness that power in the right direction you will see improvement and progress in life. Even now, at your age. Its never too young to be mature and accomplish things.

There's different kinds of physical relations. I think what your may be looking for is the kind that comes with real love. Caring partners invent their own type and ways based on what each wants and feels comfortable with. Neither is forced to do anything, and if someone tries its time to take a step back and re-evaluate things because something is wrong which must be solved before progressing. Its a misconception that dirty talk is always required or even desired. Trust me its not. If you don't like it don't do it or allow it. Sounds too are optional and pretty silly if not annoying, if faked. What you hope for is to be relaxed and what is natural to you and your partner. Having kids (if you ever choose to) can force you to be quiet and stealthy anyway.

It takes a long time to figure yourself out really, but at each step along the way you do have a self concept of some sort. Stay true to what you do believe and you will find that you improve in time. Kind of like wine that improves with age.

Just because you're female, you shouldn't consider yourself as someone who should reproduce. I myself could never even imagine that horror... I am male, though, but indeed.... having a girlfriend, and in any way risking her getting pregnant, is unthinkable, to me, which obviously means I would have a vasectomy sterilization, if I hypothetically found my true love.... that's just me, though, but you could give it a similar approach. Do not mind what nature has set out. If nature was so right, it wouldn't have given humans an appendix, to start with. Nature is just random events that end up seeming to be very, well... "natural".

Also, dirty talk during sex would be beyond a turnoff, to myself, personally.... you shouldn't be concerned, in regards to that, in the slightest - in my view, at least, I'd prefer my hypothetical love to be as silent as she can. Too much noise would appear primitivistic, in my view. As for hitting yourself in the stomach.... unless you are hurting very much, I really wouldn't worry. I myself did something... drastic, once, in regards to my intestines, and.... well, I found out that if you aren't hurting severely, at least in regards to your intestines, you shouldn't worry about it. It also does take more than one might think for other organs to get damaged in a relevant way.