alexithymia

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i feel like i should say something, tonight, about what i'm going through. i feel like i should reach out to another human being, however distant. unfortunately, i'm not any better at writing my feelings down than i am at speaking them aloud. i wish i had some kind of port in my head i could wire to a computer. it would be so much easier if i could just transfer my thoughts and experiences onto some kind of translatable file i could attach to this post (instead of confusing myself trying to disentangle and articulate emotional complexities i can't make sense of). perhaps some day someone will invent some kind of emotional-communicative prosthetic that allows such a thing. its next to impossible to get things out the traditional way, some days... and when and if you do manage there's so much data left behind, so many things poorly structured and interpreted. its especially horrible trying to get things out around verbally aggressive people like the ones i'm around (that leave people like myself stammering with frustration having being intercepted, bulldogged and prosecuted). silence is almost seems preferable some days. at least it doesn't argue with you.

i seem unable to open up even though i wish to.
perhaps i will try again at some other point.
thank you for reading.

hiya Shortcircuit you expressed yourself very well here.

I have a terrible time opening up.

I had a lot of these problems with my wife. When having talks about our marriage or arguments (her talking/yelling, me looking down at the floor) , even tho I had a million things to say, they just would not come out. Which of course made her even madder.
Now I realize that no matter what I would have said or done, it would still have been "all my fault".
The one time I did manage to stand up for myself, I said "the next time you threaten to leave me, I'll probably take you up on it". And I did.
I don't even know why I got married to begin with. I guess it was just the "next step in the relationship".

I also have this problem at work, when it feels like people are trying to get too personal. It's not that they ask inappropriate questions, I just can't bring myself to answer them.

Yeah it's weird, even though you know exactly what you want to say, you open your mouth and nothing comes out. I find that this is usually only when I feel i'm being pressured into opening up.
If it's my choice to talk about things, it's usually easier. But not always.

If you want to reach out I hope you will try again. That's what we are here for. What you said here was well stated and I think most would understand what you were trying to express and the feelings that might be associated with it. In fact, you did describe at least some of your feelings directly, such as your frustration. I have a lot of trouble writing down my feelings too. It becomes quite complicated and infuriating. It is almost like in the process of trying to write them down they evaporate. It's because when you are analyzing something you distance yourself from it, I suppose. But if I were to try to say simply how I felt in the moment I'm not sure I could do that. Yeah, verbally aggressive people...I just don't bother. Interesting post.

I just came across this forum today and I have to say that shortcircuit just said what I've basically been saying for some time. I've never heard anyone else say anything like it until now. Although I've been saying something more along the lines of "I wish I could just put what I'm feeling in my head directly into your head." I have only just figured out in the past month that I am most likely alexithymic. And my wife has left me because it. She left before we even realized what the issue is. Now that we know, she says she's not "a big enough woman" to stick around and help. She says she's too needful of the words for her emotional satisfaction in a relationship to be able to stick around long enough for me to be able to fill my toolbox with enough coping mechanisms. She'd rather have a yelling hissy fit with someone and "get things out" than deal with someone that stammers along and can't put emotional feelings into words. Six years of marriage ended three months ago and she's already gotten hooked up with some neanderthal redneck with a type A personality that had no problem yelling and being angry. At least he isn't violent though. All of this I can say because it's quantifiable, has been said, and I can just regurgitate it. How it makes me feel I can only say "hurt" or that I feel like there hurricanes inside me. It seems the alexithymia also explains the recurring "stress" headaches I keep having. Thank you for the post shortcircuit, I'm glad I'm not alone in that type of thinking.

Wow, I'm so sorry (I've been saying that a lot lately). I found this post through Google direct link. I was so relieved I wasn't alone that I immediately created a profile and replied. Shortcircuit3, I'm sorry I posted a basically inappropriate response. So I just want to say you are not alone in how you think and it eases my mind some to know I am not alone as well. Please continue to reach out. I would definitely want to buy such a device myself.