I am hurting

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Yesterday I was relieved.
Tonight I am hurting...

Yesterday I came to accept that I have the Asperger's Syndrome. I knew from my many tests, from my readings, I was having doubts about it for so long but then finally came the acceptance yesterday. I was so relieved to be able to know and accept what was wrong with me. At 34 y.o., I knew what was wrong, at last. But did I? Did I really have something wrong all this time? Is there really anything wrong with me now? And this brings me to today...
I am hurt to realize that yes, there was something going on with me and it has been disregarded all these years as being caprice/whims that can be straighten up with tough love. That there is nothing wrong with me. I have been categorized as someone with childish issues by close relatives all this time. All these years that I was hypersensitive to my environment, suffering from it, suffering from my poor social skills, suffering from not being able to express what was wrong and all that was said is that it was nothing, I would get over it, to stop being a baby about it, I was even told so as a 30 y.o. adult. My relatives never questioning themselves about whether there was really something wrong going on, never trying to be understanding of my special needs...
I am sad today about all of this. I have been so destroyed in a way that I have doubts all the time about myself, my self-esteem is so low... I have been suffering so much all these years.
I just want peace and acceptance now and I still cannot even get it. I know that I will have to get a professional diagnosis, that it will be the only way to be accepted just the way I am and it hurts...

Last edited by Adele_ on 24 Nov 2013, 2:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome. Interesting first post. I see that you recently joined. Why not come over to the new members section and introduce yourself? Hope you enjoy posting here.

While there are many great things about discovering your Aspieness, there is also a process of stages you'll go through in adjusting your sense of identity. Don't be surprised if the process mirrors the stages of grief. You are losing a sense of yourself as it has been established over the years. But also know that the depression and anger, etc. will pass. You'll end up discovering so many things about yourself and the people in your life. Embracing parts of yourself that are essentially Aspie that you've rejected most of your life as faulty can be refreshing and joyful. Realizing my seemingly random irritability was due to sensory overload not only helps me prevent meltdowns, but also lifted the impression I had that I was an unpredicatble b*tch. And knowing I need down time after social interactions helps me feel more at peace and helps me plan for that down time, making the interactions less stressful. I hope your identity journey is an enlightening one that you ultimately enjoy.

Welcome, Adele. A lot of us get that -- relief at finally knowing and accepting diagnosis followed by anger and/or depression. There's a good thread here: Would like to hear from Asperger adults 40+ Special Insights. It might help, seeing what others have written about being diagnosed later in life.

Exactly. There is nothing like a late discovered condition to prove the entire concept of tough love an atrocity. We have been abused by every attempt to tought us up in ways stretching outside our true limitations.

There is good cause for anger. You are not alone in it. It is the natural logical position of belonging to the founding generation of aspies' emergence, we who were recognised in mid life and whose lives are still affected by living in the injustice of the world before it. All our generation must stand together in hurt and no longer walk alone.

For 1000's of years high functioning autistics have lived their lives never finding out they were autistic.

@OliveOilMom
@charlottez
@OnPorpoise
@tern
Thank you for your input.

@Toy_Soldier
I understand that, and if you think about it, high functioning autistics were likely the ones categorized as witches or evil at those remote times and burnt for it. Just think about what happened to Galileo for thinking outside the box. Does that make it right?

Understand me right, I don't want to inspire pity, I do not see the point of providing and receiving such a thing. There is a real difference between being pitied and being accepted (tolerated?) if not understood.

Its still very much an open question as to whom and what they (autistics) were in the past, and a subject of some speculation. But it is unlikely that most were outcasts. Some may have been brilliant in their field. Einstein for instance has often been suggested, and as autism studies continue (and there are many) there are now some factually based indicators being identified that add evidence to the theory. And he is just one well known example. And many autistics undoubtedly overcame the added obstacles of their lives to lead more or less normal lives. Autism is just one of very many handicaps or dysfunctional conditions people are born with every day.

The difference is you now believe you know what it is, and what causes it.

And I do understand it can be a pretty hard to to deal with and accept. A period of sadness is probably pretty common. But what happens next boils down to what you make of things yourself not some predestined unsuccessful fate. Autistics can and do make it in life every day as well.

I understand how you feel. I have just recently been diagnosed at 27, and I think back to all of those family get togethers where I was called a baby. All of those long car trips that I would be crying in the backseat from being cold and the wind hurting my face because the rest of my family wanted the air conditioner on or windows rolled down, and they would tell me to shut up and put on a blanket. All of the times that I would be made fun of for always needing the same seat on the couch, or when I was ridiculed on an online messageboard for saying that HD TVs give me terrible headaches. Now that I have a diagnosis I just want to shove it in all their faces and say, how does it feel now, to know that you were destroying the soul of a person with a neurological condition?

But then I remember that I don't want pity, I don't want to be treated differently. Unfortunately, with many of my family, telling them my diagnosis would only be likely to make me seem weaker in their eyes. They would write me off even further. They could explain away any and all of my personality traits with the label of "Asperger's." So there's no use in telling them. The only family I would consider telling is my parents and siblings, because I think they know me well enough to understand, and also because my mom and sister both work with severely autistic children on a daily basis, so they "get it."

The truth is, it doesn't matter what those people think about me, or what they thought about me when I was younger. I know the truth of myself, I know the real me and what shaped that being. My diagnosis has given me an understanding of myself, my limitations, and my strengths that I had not imagined possible. The puzzle pieces have come together and I am starting to see the full picture of me. I hope that you can experience a similar feeling.

@Toysoldier
I think I know what you mean. But here you are mentioning people from the last century, what about the others from before that? The ones that you never heard about?
Here is my take on it:
Those people from more remote times were acting NT and to act NT when you are not one in a surrounding that does not accept difference, you have to go low profile, you must shut up about what you think, see, understand because the others don't think/see/understand the same thing you do.

How do I know that? Well... I am not originally from Canada. I live there but I am originally from the West-Indies, and where I am from you do not have the choice to be different. If you are different it means either that you are mentally impaired/delayed or possessed or whatever... And believe me, you don't want to be considered like that there because you are just put in a corner or you end up very badly treated. So, I was lucky to be "smart" about it, I have a NT-like life, I have a family, kids, a high education (because I could) and now a good job. I have all of this because I have been acting NT before, because I had no other choice but to do so and although it looks like I have succeeded from the outside, that's not the case. It was just a play and it was and still is extremely exhausting and not as rewarding as so many here might think. Now, at 34 y.o., I have the choice to be me, not a protagonist acting NT.

It still remains much in the realm of spectulation but attempts of identifying people even further back also goes on. Up to now it has centered on trying to analyze behavior, which is somewhat subjective. The new evidence linking Einstein has to do with extra brain conductivity between the left and right lobes. But other studies have indicated a subtle but identifiable facial structure signature, which if it continues to prove out could potentially be used which anyone which whom we have a reliable facial picture. I guess my main point here is that advances are being made in a wide variety of autism studies and there will be more information and insights to come.

But you are right in pointing out how much depends upon the circumstances one is born into, and that is not limited to affecting autistics alone. For example an adventurous spirit can be born into a very narrow closed society. And there is the inherent unfairness of being born in a very poor place or an affluent one.

But what you describe, that fatigue of maintining a NT front so-to-speak is extremely common among autistics. Its often refered to as 'Wearing the Mask'. But how to deal with that is an expansive subject, and something that might take some time and getting multiple views on. But just as a brief thought I believe it has to do with gaining some confidence in your self and your differences and dropping the mask at certain times, and with certain people.

I am not sure which countries comprise the West-Indies. Is it like the Indonesia, Malaysia area?

@Toy_soldier
People are refractory to differences, I don't believe that raising awareness about Asperger's syndrome will make drastic difference in our lifetime. Gays and lesbians have been advocating their difference for centuries and still, there are fighting for it. They are still fighting for their rights although they have the advantage of having good communication skills. Do you really believe that Aspie people will be seen one day as something else but weirdos or sick people? It will be less stressing to just shut up and just put on a NT facade and that's probably what most of us will continue to do.

I am from the French West Indies. In the Caribbean.
There you have to be loud, out-going and highly knowledgeable of social cues. If you are not following strictly what is expected from you socially, it is considered that you are not following them on purpose, to be hurtful to people. You have to do what is right, even if you don't have a clue why. For example, my grand-mother has been very sick for years, loosing her sanity, her memory and her hearing. Making communication with her a terrible hassle even for NTs. It was expected from me to call and communicate with her on a regular basis and it was putting me through panic attacks. So I stopped calling and I got pure manifestations of hatred for not doing it, I have been rejected by my close relatives for not doing it. They actually do not communicate with me anymore because of this. I dread going back home now, when I do travel back there, I do not go out, I don't meet anybody anymore and of course, it is seen as being done to hurt people because I was acting so NT before. That's just one example, but I think that, in my case, behaving NT for so long was a major mistake.

Last edited by Adele_ on 24 Nov 2013, 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

@TreeShadow
Thank you for your input.

Look at the diagnosis as a means of gaining insight into yourself and who you actually are, as opposed to who you have been told all your life you are.

But if you think it's going to magically get other people to accept you, you're liable to be very disappointed. Very few people know what Autism or Asperger Syndrome are and they don't care to learn. Many will choose to believe that because they can't SEE your disability, that it's a made-up diagnosis, good only for making excuses for one's shortcomings. Even those who accept it as real, won't understand what it means, even when you try to explain it. Get ready to hear :

"Why, that's not a disorder, EVERYBODY experiences THAT!"

a lot, as people fail to comprehend what you're trying to describe. After a while, you'll give up trying to explain it, or even tell anybody that you have a handicap, because when you say 'Neurological Dysfunction,' all most of them will hear is 'Mental Illness.' Some people in my family still refer to it as a "disease."

I know you're down and I don't mean to bum you out further - there are a lot of positives to having that diagnosis, because it does give you a sense of identity and self that you may have felt was missing all your life, and there is some inner peace that comes with that, though as you're already experiencing, there's also some sadness, soul searching and reevaluation that may precede it. It can make you eligible for assistance and support that you can't get any other way. But it won't make people understand you or treat you any better than they ever have.

@Willard
I think I understand what you mean. My NT husband was telling me the same thing
However I think that my Aspie "condition" (this is the term used by my boss) has cursed and blessed me with high perseverance. It is hard to just let go and move on...

I hope you find it welcoming here. I've never felt like people understood me much until I found this website.