Needing advice and support, lost a significant friend

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Hi,

Thank you whoever reads this to the end as it will be a bit of a long one. I have tried to suppress it to make it easier to read in a short space of time but it still may be a bit long.

I started at my new college in september and it was a big change for me, moving from secondary school to a college to study A levels. I had left all of my friends behind as they had chosen to go to different places and on my first day there, I aimed to find some new friends. Within the first week I had got a nice circle of eight friends who understood me and my Aspergers. One of them (for confidentialities sake I will use her initials, KAF) within the first four weeks, I developed feelings for. KAF is another Aspergic (not on WP) and our friendship flourished quickly to the point where it was interested in having a relationship with her. I started to work out how I was going to tell her and then disaster struck. One of the days where we were sat down having lunch in the college's canteen, she said that she wasn't interested in having a relationship. This wasn't aimed at me but was said as part of a conversation that had strayed onto the topic of relationships.

Anyways, I was distraut after hearing this and, because I had a lesson with her next, had to bottle all of the stuff that was running through my head. I don't know if anyone else does this but it is one of my Aspie problems and, by the time I had finished bottling it up and the lesson ended, I was on the verge of having a full blown Aspergic meltdown. I made it to a "safe room" at college that is set aside for things like this and released all of the stuff that had been bottled up. After that, I met with college senco and I talked to them about what happened and what they believed the best course of action would be. After a quick discussion, they left it for me to decide whether I was to tell KAF about my feelings for her and I decided that it would be better for me to do so (Big mistake in the long run but worked for the time being). The next day I told KAF during lunch that I had feelings for her and she explained to me in detail why she wasn't looking for a relationship. I accepted what she said and then we decided that we were going to stay as friends and continue communicating.

This lasted until the monday the week after where, because of my social immaturity caused by this being a first for me and my aspieness, I talked to the wrong person about it. When she found this out it pretty much shattered the friendship but I didn't find out until I got home what had happened. Once again I was distraut as, for the first time ever, I had completely destroyed a friendship in less than 24 hours. Another aspie meltdown later and I texted her to find out what I had done wrong in her opinion. No response. I sent another asking whether there was anything she wanted to talk about. No response. I decided to let her sleep on it as I know that, when I am angry at someone, it normally blows over while I sleep. It didn't blow over.

When I realised this I started to work myself into a state that ended up with another aspie meltdown in the same safe room. I discussed it with the college senco and they decided to give it a couple of weeks and see what happens. About two months has passed since then and yesterday, I got the news that I had been both dreading and expecting all at once. KAF told me that she didn't want to be friends and that it was because I had caused her so much unneeded stress. I was shocked by this as I thought that the two months that had passed would have been enough to sort things out and, once she had gone away to do other things, I had another aspie meltdown. What makes it worse is that we both share the same friendship group and we see each other everyday so I will always be reminded of what has happened.

I am meeting with the senco again today to discuss what happened yesterday but I was hoping that those that had stuck with to read this through to the end would be able to help me cope with how I feel at the moment. I use personal emotion cards to help me describe how I am feeling and I will list the ones that I feel at the minute and, if applicable, who they are aimed at.

PEC's:
Tired - both contexts, tired physically and mentally as these events have drained so much of my courage and self esteem.
Sad - I lost a friend that I could be my aspie self around and not get judged for it.
Hurt - I know that it was my fault that all of this came about.
Frustrated - At myself, same reason as hurt
Lonely - The one aspie friend that I had in college is now gone and I don't know anyone else who I have a chance at being friends with who is.
Depressed - self explanatory in this siuation
Angry - As frustrated
Dissapointed - at both myself and KAF, myself as this is not how I wanted it to turn out, KAF that she didn't give me a chance to explain myself or try and fix things at my end.
Withdrawn - After the meeting yesterday I completely withdrew into myself and didn't speak to any of my other friends for the rest of the day and probably won't until I get over this fully.
Insecure - Should I stay at my college, should I get a new friendship circle, should I request that I change teams and maths group (I only share maths as a lesson with her.
Scared/afraid - that yesterdays events would cause me to loose more friends or set even worse events in motion (not going to explain as it scares me half to death to even think about them)
Helpless - Other than the senco at school and my social independance group, I have no autism/aspergers support. That is until I joined wrong planet.

I still miss her a lot and I am going to struggle to get through the next few days of college.

I know this has been a long post but I hope that from reading it and any personal experiences that you have that you can help me through it. I am a Elim Christian so any prayers would be greatly recieved and thanked for.

S.R.Tanner

You are confused and overwhelmed, perhaps you can lean on a counselor for what to do. Maybe some concrete help finding people to be with who are new so you can get away. And definitely consider pressuring yourself less to talk about this, words seem unlikely to help. Silence, calm, until you feel more in control.

I would guess that she is confused, and that makes her scared. Doesn't mean you are frightening, just that she might be frightened by an unfamiliar situation, as you might as well. Please consider, and I know this may not be much comfort, but consider that if she is neurotypical, she may be quit familiar with drama, and your Aspie meltdown is likely just that to her. Let it become normal, part of you. You have nothing to be ashamed of for how far you are going and how far you have come!

Thanks for the reply Waterfalls.
KAF is an aspergic too so it she does understand a little bit of what I am going through. I have recently met with my senco who reciprocates what you have said and, after writing what down what is in my head, I am feeling a bit better. It still will be a little bit difficult due to the closeness of our friends but I will take each day as it comes.
S.R.Tanner

That is a very hard situation. I think you are brave for admitting your feelings to her, even though it didn't go well. It really takes courage to do that.

My best advice is to let time pass and see how things go. Don't try to interact with her at all right now (unless you have to in class) but be friendly to her if she tries to interact with you and always reply if she says hello to you or something. I am not sure how things will go because you two have only known each other for a short time, but I once went through a very different but kind of similar situation in which a long term friend decided to stop being friends with me. We didn't talk for over a year and it was a very hard time for me (this person had been like my sister), but we eventually made up and are still friends now (several years later) even though our friendship has been forever changed in some ways by that situation. So there is still hope that KAF will eventually forgive you and decide that she does want to be friends with you. Just try to be patient, and keep going to your counselors there at your college if you find them helpful with this situation.

I actually think the fact that you share a friend group might help. If she sees and hears over the course of time that you are a nice/loyal person and that you don't always go around sharing information with other people (she might see as you as a gossipy person since you told the "wrong" person about your situation), then she might realize that you just made one mistake and are still worth being friends with. Then again, she might not, or she might see it but decide not to take the risk again herself. Either way, try to take a step back from the situation and see what some time can do. I would not bring up the idea of a romantic relationship with her again, even if she does become your friend again. Let her bring that up if she ever changes her mind. And also try to prepare yourself for the fact that you may never be friends again. Try to make new friends and keep doing things with the ones you have, and try to find new interests and other things to distract you and fill your time. It will help.

I hope it works out for you. Hang in there. I will pray for you.

Thanks Quill,
We both know that the friendship won't work at the minute and we both will have to work around that. I have accepted that the friendship may never return but who knows, time is a great healer and maybe a year down the line the friendship will come back. I have written a sort of note for her to read if she wants to pretty much saying thank you for the friendship that we had even though it was so short, apologising for what I did wrong and explaining that if she ever does want the friendship back all she has to do is ask. She will only see this if she wants too though but I am hedging my bets that she won't want too.
S.R.Tanner

I think a note sounds like it could be a good idea if it will help you get some closure on the friendship, and it will let her know that you are willing to be friends with her again if she ever wants to be. Just be careful not to push any kind of interaction (even passive interaction like this note) too much right now or you might make things worse. Just keep that in mind--everything comes with a risk of hurting rather than helping. With my friend, I actually wrote her a really long letter but never got up the nerve to send it. I came across it again after we made up, and I was REALLY glad that I hadn't sent it because I sounded quite depressed and almost hysterical. (It made me feel a lot better just to write it though, so it was good that I did.) If you do send a note, I'd have someone else look it over first, if possible (but be very careful not to ask someone who might tell others--a counselor might be a good idea) to make sure it doesn't sound bad or angry or embarrassing. Good luck with everything.

It's hard to lose a friend, but it does seem so much more difficult with someone on the spectrum. I, too miss that feeling of being understood by someone/anyone. At the same time, there was sometimes problems with miscommunication and rigidity that seem to loom exponentially large between two of us. I think those trials made me value this friendship even more, because it was so challenging for both of us.

Good luck with your friend. There's a lot of good advice already, so I'll just send best wishes your way....

Thanks guy's,
Quill, I have a draft written version of the note which I might get the senco to read through and check. This same senco also works with KAF so she might be able to best advise me on what to do with it.
S.R.Tanner