Realizing that you once actually bullied someone

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You know, i do have some memories of myself being bullied (especially by other girls) when i went to elementary school, and in many ways it seems as if i have suppressed some of those experiences (since my mom seem to remember more about this than i do myself).
Anyway, a while back, after having read something a guy wrote about his experience of being bullied, i came to remember something that happened when i was about 16, and in a way, i do feel/worry that i might actually have bullied some guy in the past. It's very shameful to come to terms that i actually have been mean to someone, but thinking back, i can't deny that i treated this person poorly.

This all happened during a period were i was hospitalized for eating disorders. I had made friends with two girls and 1 boy that also were in treatment there (for other things). One day this new boy were institutionalized there, he was say 1 year older than the rest of us, aka 17.
He did look different from the rest of us there's no denying in that: He had very poor hygiene, he smelled really bad and his hair was very fatty, he also picked his nose while other people were watching/nearby him.
I was the kind of "patient" there who always wanted to make people feel welcome and safe coming into this new environment, and being around so many new people. So of course i didn't chose to treat him any different than how i would with other people, i tried to talk to him and seem friendly. I didn't actually wan't to befriend this guy though, it wasn't just his hygiene that bothered me but he was just to different from myself, and honestly i did think that he had some creepy vibes. Which turned out to be true the day after his arrival.
To mention a few weird things he did: He started following me around - when i was by myself or with the other girls (And he would just follow me in silence), when i was talking to people he often interrupted them (as if trying to steal my attention), he would sit down next to me in the couch - again just sitting there in silence watching me. It made me feel very uncomfortable to be alone in the same room with him, and whenever i found that he was in the living room area, i would end up "running" back to my room.

To continue.. His weird/ creepy behavior worsened. Once i was sitting in the living room with one of the girls i had befriended (let's call her Leah) talking to her. She was sitting in an armchair, i was sitting in the couch, at the time we were the only ones there. Then all of a sudden that guy showed up and my thought instantly went "Oh no, please don't sit down next to me". Which he did. At first there were some space between, space enough for one more person to sit down in between, but then he started to move closer, and closer, and closer. I started moving further away, but he just kept going, until he was sitting so close his hip touched mine. And he just sat there silently looked at me with this creepy smile on his face. I tried to stay calm because i didn't wan't to come off as rude. Telling myself in my head "OK maybe he just don't know how to approach people, just be nice about it and continue watching the tv program".
Then.. I feel something touching my thigh, and i turn to see and it is that guy's hand, and he was still staring at me. I was really panicking right now, and as i sent a nervous look to my friend she gave the same panicking nervous look back to me. So I ended up jumping out of the couch in disgust. I started walking away, to only realize he was walking behind me, and he was walking very close to me.
My friend was also standing up now, staring shocked at the guy. She took my hand and we made our way out of the living room, but yeah behind us there he were. I could no longer bare his behavior, i had been dealing with this s**t for 4 days, and i couldn't take in any longer. I ended up shouting at him, telling him that he was creepy and that his behavior was gross. That i hated how he smelled and how he picked his nose in front of everyone. That he was dumb not to understand that such behavior is abnormal and disrespectful. "You make me sick!" i think was the last thing i said. Of course the grown ups who were working there had arrived by now, and they stopped my shout out. One grown up took the now crying guy away probably into his room, while another stayed behind with me and Leah.

The grown up started to yell at me, telling me that how i talked to the guy was not an OK thing to do. I ended up crying and felt really confused about everything, so Leah ended up telling him about everything that had been going on the last 4 days. How i other days had tried to in a respectful manner walk away when he got to close, and how i had tried to tell him that i didn't like it when people were that close, but that he just kept on going. And that it wen't to far this time/this day, which lead me to lose my temper. I finally managed to calm myself down, and told the adult that i didn't mean to be cruel, but that it just ended up being to much for me to deal with. The man we were talking to told me that he could understand why i reacted, that the way the guy had behaved was inappropriate and not to be accepted. But added that i instead should have told them (him or some of the other grown ups working there) about the situation so that they could have helped out. That telling them about it could have prevented me from having to shout out at the guy the way i did.

Two days after, after having eaten breakfast, me and three friends; Leah, Lisa and Tobias were sitting in the living room area playing cards.
Then i heard two of the grown ups working there, whispering in the room just outside the living room. I managed to hear some of what they said to one another, and what they were talking about was that the guy i had shouted at two days before had tried to take suicide. That he were at the hospital but that he managed to get away from the incident with minor injuries. I could tell that Tobias had heard it to, since he was sitting there shocked, he ended up telling us about what he just had heard. It came just as much as a shock to Leah and Lisa as it had to me and Tobias. I felt very ashamed, but also at the same time i felt that i had the right to express my feeling (although i could have expressed them somewhat differently than i had done). Tobias then told me that it was sad to hear about what the guy had tried to do, but continued by telling me how he also had been creep'ed out by how the guy had behaved around me, and that Tobias thought i had every right to get upset and "lash out". Leah and Lisa agreed with him, and for the most part i also agreed with what Tobias had said, but for some reason i ended up feeling sickened by myself feeling as if it was my fault that the guy had tried to commit suicide.
He never came back to the hospital department we were at, and from what i heard he had been transferred to another one.

In a way i feel like i might have come across as a bully back then, I'm not quite sure but somehow i do, considering the words i "threw" at the guy. What do you think, do you think i acted like a bully, or do you think that how i acted out in the end was "fair"?

And have you ever felt like you have bullied someone, or have you actually done it?

How did you end up feeling later on about what you had done to this/these certain someones/ aka the victims?

His behaviour was creepy. You weren't a bully, you were standing up for yourself, and rightly so.

That's not bullying. Bullying is a systematic, premeditated, repeated, deliberate attempt to be mean.

When I was 13, my school district lost funding and had to disband the Gifted Program. So those kids joined the regular "advanced" class. Most of them had a really sh***y, superior attitude. But there was this one scrappy little kid that had a REALLY sh***y, REALLY superior attitude. He was also quite a bit more Aspie than I was, and the mean girls (and boys) in the class finally had someone who was more fun to tease, mock, torment, and belittle than me.

So what did I do?? I held out a friendly hand and tried to befriend the kid, right?? We talked about calculus and robots and it turned into Young Aspie Love, right?? WRONG!! !! I was 13. And lonely. And I saw an "IN." So one day I called the kid some nasty name and started imitating him, the way kids had imitated me for years-- you know, the MEAN way. And-- the popular girls started talking to me!! And saying nice things!! All because I harassed this kid that had a sh***y attitude anyway!!

So I kept doing it. For about six weeks, I tried every nasty behavior that had ever been done to me on this poor kid-- and I had lots of time to do it, too, because my last name started with a T, and his started with a Z, and there were no Us or Vs or Ws or Xs or Ys and we were seated alphabetically. I turned into a real raving little b***h.

And then one morning, while brushing my teeth, I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. "BeeBee, is this really who you want to be?? Do you really want to be accepted by THOSE people, at THIS price??" I never said anything nasty to the kid again. I tried to apologize-- not surprisingly, he tried to kick me in the kneecaps. Can't say I blame him.

Hey, AZ-- if you're reading this, that was a really stupid thing I did 22 years ago. I'm really, really sorry. If it helps any, I still feel like dogshit about it, and I should. I hope you made it, man. Whatever you wanted, I hope you got there.

What I did was a fine example of bullying.

What you did is called "losing your temper." That's what happens when you've had all you can stands and you can't stands no more, and then more happens. Also known as "blowing your stack," "losing your cool," and "having a meltdown."

No, it wasn't OK. But it was perfectly human.

So cut yourself a break.

Now-- what did you learn?? If since then someone has taught you to be politely blunt-- to say things like "Please get your hand off of me, RIGHT NOW!" or "You seem really cool, but you really need to take a shower" or "Here's a tissue-- please blow your nose instead of picking it"-- and you've learned to actually DO IT, then congratulate yourself.

The world is full of NT adults who have never had a diagnosed mental health issue who haven't learned to do that. I meet them every single time I leave my house.

Well his behavior was bad enough to warrent a reaction. If he wasn't going to take polite hints or requests, you pretty much had to set him straight.

I think it was ok to call him out on it and let him know his advances were unwelcome (as well as out of line to begin with). The only thing I think went wrong was you were too specific and harsh. It would have been better to have limited it to saying you were not interested in him and for him to leave you alone. You would also have been right to report him to the staff so they would hopefully have kept a closer eye on him.

But, we do all go overboard once in a while. You were already in a stressful place and then had this guy stalking, so its understandable. And you were very young and some of these things are only learned through experience. His subsequent action may only have been a demonstration, not intended to succeed (suicide).

Somethings you learn the hard way. But I know you learned, as you feel bad about it.

Thanks guys for backing me up and being understanding of my reaction. It's a relief to know that i didn't come off as a bully.

Although like some of you mentioned and i mentioned myself i did take it a little to far considering what things i ended up shouting out at the guy. Some of what i said weren't exactly necessary to be said in the situation (like that he smelled) and i took it somewhat to far out of line when i in the end said that "You make me sick!". Maybe it could even come across as hurtful when i called him dumb. And yeah i did regret the word choice later, but when someone pushes you to the limit, and you've tried just so many and so many ways to politely stop unwanted behavior, you'r about to "explode" at some point.

And yeah like ToySoldier said the siting of it all was somewhat stress full, so were i was "living" at the time might have been part of what made me lose it. Besides we all were stuck there, it's not like anyone of those staying there could avoid stumbling unto the others completely during the stay there, it's not like you are allowed to lock yourself up in your room the whole stay

But anyway, thanks again for being so understanding, it makes me feel a little better, yeah i still regret some of the things i said though, but i now understand better/ feel more certain about the fact that i in the situation had every right to defend and express myself when this someone didn't respect my past warnings, and instead kept going.

I'm just happy that this past episode doesn't define me as having once bullied someone.

I don't know that I'd say I've bullied people (only since it wasn't repetitive) but I can definitely think of times where I was mean, either to someone's face or behind their back and I strongly regret it. And inside my own head I'm unfortunately often a complete jerk.

I think were a bully but I don't think you have to feel bad about it. It's not exactly as if you were a picture of full mental health yourself at the time, so you can't have expected to deal with the situation in the most productive way possible.

Besides, you were also young and didn't know any better.

I think what you need to hear is this: even if you have behaved completely correctly and even if you had explained to the boy that you didn't think of him as your boyfriend (which is clearly what he had conjured up in his broken mind the instant you were friendly to him) and even if you have (most gently) pointed out his socially inappropriate behaviours - there is STILL no guarantee he would have behaved any differently. You are not responsible for what other people choose to do in their heads and with their bodies.

I have been bullied lots and then I learned to be the bully and I know full well both sides of the story. I have defended bullied boys in school only to have them stop talking to me completely - because somehow by defending them, I have made things worse. Being taunted about being rescued by a girl is apparently worse than being beaten the crap out of daily. Boys are weird creatures. You are not responsible for their hormones or their crazy. You are only responsible for your own self.