I don't want to force myself to be selfless

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So my Dad thinks what he did had nothing wrong with it, but I think he's just as selfish as he says I am.

You see, my college had an event last night, and I asked if he could take me. I wanted him to drive me there and back. but no, he didn't want to make all those trips, so he decided to GET THE BUS and stay out in town and then GET THE BUS BACK EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE LESS OFTEN THAT LATE AT NIGHT AND THERE WERE TAXIS EVERYWHERE!! !! !!

So yes, I was very peeved off at him, yet he thinks he did it for my convenience!! Well, no, it was for HIS convenience, and getting the bus made it INCONVENIENT for a girl who wanted to be home as soon as possible.

And now he's mad at me, and is going to give me a hard time, and I can't stay hiding upstairs forever. But I know sorry won't work, and I've said I think it's just a phase, I've been annoyed by the little things lately, and I think I might be on my way to "starting." But then my Mum says not to use it as an excuse. I realyl don't want my Dad to tell my Mum, caus eshe might get cross with me as well.

He says I'm selfish, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!! !! !! I don't want to FORCE MYSELF to be caring, I want to do it NATURALLY, and sadly, that is something I'm not good at!! !! !

So I need some advice, please?

I'm not sure if I understand the situation, so I may need some clarification please. You asked your dad to drive you there and back, but instead he took you on a city bus there, waited around, then took you back on the city bus? That seems like it would be way more inconvenient for him than driving you would. As for making all the trips, since he stayed in town during the event after going on a bus, couldn't he have done the same thing after driving you there in the car? I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about being angry. You could have taken the bus by yourself, if you had wanted to go on the bus you wouldn't have asked him to drive you. I don't see that as selfish at all.

The only thing I could think of why he might not have wanted to drive you would be if the car is acting up, if it would have taken a lot of gas and he didn't have the money for it, or if maybe he's having trouble seeing at night. The last one would be something he might not want to tell anyone, I know that when I started having trouble seeing to drive at night I didn't like telling people, so if that's the reason I can understand his actions, but that wouldn't make you selfish for being upset. Does he normally drive at night?

Did he tell you why he took the bus instead of driving? If not, I'd suggest asking him. Maybe say something like "I don't want there to be a misunderstanding between us about this, so I'd like to ask why you took me on the bus when I asked you to drive me" and then just accept the answer and don't argue right then. Just say OK and walk away. I have a 17yo too and sometimes she gets mad over things that I don't understand why she's mad over, and that's ok and we work it out unless she throws a big fit and slams doors and is mean about it for hours, then we have a problem. If you did something like that, I'd suggest you apologize for your actions but not for your feelings. As in "I'm sorry I threw a fit or was mean to you last night. I shouldn't have acted that way, no matter how I felt.". That way you are apologizing for inappropriate behavior but not for being upset, which really isn't any of their business anyway - you have a right to get upset over anything at all.

If he tells you a valid reason why he took the bus, like gas or night vision or car problems, then I'd apologize for being angry at him over it, but I'd also ask him why he didn't tell you beforehand that he was going on the bus so you could either just take the bus yourself or a taxi. I'm assuming you don't drive yet, like my 17yo doesn't yet either - I'm still teaching her.

A lot of times parents will consider something their kid wants or is upset over as "selfish" when the kid throws a fit or gets in a huff or is mean about it, so apologizing for doing that is the proper thing to do, but you don't ever have to apologize for feeling inconvenienced, etc.

This might be a good time to get him to start teaching you how to drive if he hasn't yet.

Also, I wouldn't worry too much about it if either one of them are upset with you for getting upset. It happens and it blows over. Not a day goes by without me getting mad at one of my kids about something and vice versa, but it doesn't last long and it's no big deal. Discuss it with him calmly, and make the discussion about the "misunderstanding" and not about perceived selfishness. If he calls you selfish or says you were being selfish, just say "I'm simply trying to discuss the situation and how it was handled by each of us, not any feelings that either of us may or may not have felt." You also might tell him "I wanted to get home as soon as possible, that is not a selfish desire. It's no more selfish than you not wanting to make several trips. I'd just rather there not be another misunderstanding between us about something like this." Don't argue about selfishness, etc. If he starts in about it, just say something like "We can talk about this later when you are willing to discuss the events and not feelings and thoughts".

However, if you did do like my daughter sometimes does, and be mean or throw a fit or something, then I'd suggest starting off with an apology for "overreacting". Not for how you felt, but how you reacted to it.

In my opinion it was a selfish act by your Dad, and it is hard for me to understand how someone could suggest a young woman take a bus into a town/city at night... unless your area is an very unusually safe area/low crime.

My best advice with this is to try not to focus on being reactive to others mistakes or inconsiderateness. In other words if another person is being an ass, try not and let it affect your actions and try not to dwell on it. Its their problem, not yours. Don't let them dump their crappy moods on you. Rise above it as best you can. Think in terms of your own life.

People are all different in how they care about others and how they show it. I can't see myself the situation. But just as general approach, it is good to be open to constructive criticisim as we all have areas that could be improved. Its up to you to judge whether the criticism seems valid or not. But if the person giving advice seems incorrect, ignor it. And if they have a valid point but keep bringing it up over and over, remind them tactfully you heard them the first time.

Oliveoilmom is right, maybe there was car trouble, maybe he just didn't feel like driving.

Do you know what your dad did during the time he waited? Is it possible he wanted to go have a drink or something?

It does seem like you need to find out more information before you get mad, because the way I read it, it sounds like your complaining that he didn't do what you wanted him to do.

Ignore the value judgments (selfish and et cetera). They're just human nastiness.

Unless he has a reason, that he told you, for not wanting to drive at night, there's nothing wrong with asking him to do it. Didn't tell you the reason?? Maybe it's a perfectly good reason-- maybe he's getting night-blind (it happens to a lot of people in middle age) or maybe he's an Aspie too and starting to have enough problems with processing speed or multiple focus that it's hard for him to drive in congested areas (all my kids that are old enough to understand know that driving in heavy traffic-- like cities, or the parking lot at school events) stresses me out.

Still-- if he didn't tell you, and hasn't told you, then you have no way to know and he has no right to expect you to. The hell with "mind-blindness." Some people are better at observing details-- "Gee, Jack squints a lot, gets really irritable, and makes stupid mistakes when he has to drive at night. I think he's having a vision problem."-- but it's actually really hard to do that (I know VERY FEW people who can look past their own emotional involvement and habit to do it) and NOBODY is a mind-reader.

Notwithstanding-- I get them there. I park early, then hang out in the van for half an hour until it's time to go in. After the show, we stay seated until the crowd thins out, then we hang out in the van again until I'm sure I can navigate the parking lot without hitting anyone.

Your dad needs to stop being nasty.

As far as you being selfish-- maybe you are, maybe you aren't. I can't tell you, I never met you.

I CAN tell you that trying to be "selfless" isn't a good idea. Been there, done that-- it leads to a whole lot of angst, and a person without a natural sense of self-interest or self-preservation. You start out being a really great, really nice person that everyone wants around (at least, when there's a job to be done)...

...and you end up an angry, resentful, passive-aggressive doormat who tries to please everybody and succeeds only in getting taken advantage of and pissing everybody off 'cause they all think you should be serving THEM first, THEM most, whatever.

"Selflessness" is not a functional human state of being.

DECENCY, on the other hand, IS. You don't have to be selfless-- always going everyone else's way and always putting yourself last. You can be merely DECENT-- not nasty, open to compromise, not constantly demanding to be the center of attention and/or have your own way.

It goes by many names-- decency, courtesy, co-operation, good manners.

It DOES NOT come naturally. To ANYONE-- perhaps least of all to a teenager, whose hormones and understanding of the world are in constant flux and who does not have the experience base (regardless of the adult-like appearance of their body) to know what the decent thing is or how to do it in a courteous manner.

That's a description of a TYPICAL teenager, by the way. It might be harder and take longer for you-- and it's a drawn-out, difficult process for ANYONE. All that comes naturally, really, is The Monkey-- that very nasty, articulate, tool-making beastie that, despite all its intelligence, wants nothing more than to secure ALL THE BANANAS for itself and its offspring.

Making The Monkey choose to learn to act like a human being-- and then choose to apply that learning-- is a conscious process.

Everyone has to do it. Not just you, not just Aspies, not just people who have something "wrong." EVERYONE.

Hence the value judgments are, frankly, BS.

Cut yourself-- and your dad-- a little bit of a break.

Have a hug. Adolescence f*****g sucks. Wouldn't do it again, even if I could do it with the knowledge I have today, for ANY price.

Well, whenever I upset my Dad, he always makes me feel like I'm the worst person in the world by pointing out all the badness in me.

Although I have intendified what I think is the cause.

I took a break from a site I like for about a month, because it was inactive, and I was mistreated there. I thought when I got back they'd think better of me, but they're still just indifferent. That doesn't stop me from being in a hurry to get to the computer, though. And that was why I complained about getting the bus instead of being driven.

Since I returned to that site, I've been moody, but I don't want to leave it yet because I don't want to feel forced. I want to leave it in my own time, in a few months or so. Because my college friends are more pleasant and accepting, and I'm generally happier without that site now.