Emotions not "legitimate"??

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I hate that I am apparently not entitled to my own emotions.

I am always being told "not to be angry / sad / upset / [insert emotion here]", because I "shouldn't" feel that way--there is apparently "no reason" for me to feel the way I do.

And if I try to express said emotions calmly and for the simple goal of being open and communicating how I feel, someone is likely to blow up in my face, or say "how can you say that--it's terrible" or "why is everything about you"?

Earlier today, my son came home with a lot of things his grandparents bought him. I have a very tiny house which I struggle to keep clean, and I had just been fretting over where to move all the everyday things so I could put out Christmas decorations. So there are piles of stuff everywhere, and here comes my six-year-old with literally bags and bags of toys--AND the explicit instruction from his grandmother "not to be angry."

BULLSH*T!! ! If she knew I was likely to be angry about it, why did she bother???

Worse, I later calmly expressed why I felt frustrated to my husband, and he said my feelings were totally out of line, asked why I "hate" his parents (I don't), and slammed a door in my face. Okay...he's not feeling well. My statement may have been ill-timed. He always wants to fix things for me (I hate that, but hey, if that's how he feels, fine). But honestly? Why do his emotions always get to trump mine?

I don't care if my in-laws want to treat my son. They should be able to do so, it's part of the fun of being a grandparent. But why can't the treats stay at THEIR house? They have a huge house: ten very large rooms on three levels (not counting bathrooms), plus a full basement. I have a house with a few tiny rooms (my son's bed barely fits in his room) and only a handful of minute closets squeezed in around the boilers and ductwork, and no basement. Why is my exasperation illegitimate???

On a bigger scale, I am beginning to realize that much of my difficulty expressing emotions is reinforced by the fact that whenever I do try to express them, somebody jumps on my case about it. Even happy emotions get me in trouble, because apparently those aren't legitimate either...

With any luck, mutism will kick in and I won't be able to say anything else about what I feel for a week.

I really sympathise fully with your predicament and often find myself wondering exactly the same things.

Nowadays, whenever someone says "you have no reason to be angry", I know that this is in fact code for "you have not produced a socially acceptable lie to justify why you are entitled to feel the way you do".

Your next step is to ask your husband (calmly) to decide which of his things he wants to throw away to make room for the new toys. Not even kidding.

you are quite reasonable and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. it's a shame that the same is not returned to you. keep sticking up for yourself. eventually, these emotional abusers will see that their tactics are no longer working. emotions aren't right or wrong. they just are. we all deserve to have our emotions validated, even if we don't get our way all the time.

ask the grandparents to do you a favor and keep their gifts at their place. maybe they didn't think of that possibility.

A house is like a body. You just can't eat and not eliminate. Neatly box lesser used items (mostly his) and ask him to store them at his parents house.

I feel for you. You sound very stressed. {hug}

I would agree with you that being told not to feel such and such is not helpful. Someone loaned me a self-help book years ago and the therapist who wrote it said that people should not feel ashamed of how they feel. How you feel is how you feel. The trick is learning how to express and communicate those emotions. Unfortunately that can be very difficult when you are on the autistic spectrum.

The problem is other people will immediately take the emotion you are expressing as criticism of their actions. They feel like you are attacking them and tearing them down. You don't mean to, you are only telling them how you feel. But there are communication techniques that can help in these kinds of situation.

To be honest expressing an emotion with no explainantion doesn't help anyone come to a solution. The books I've read on communication advise something along the lines of:

When x happens I feel y because (the reason) can we talk about how we can solve this or make this easier in future. I understand that you were trying to help and I appreciate that, but it made me feel like (feeling) which I am sure you didn't mean to happen."

Basically, acknowledge that you are not blaming them, even if they are wrong. It's best not to try and win an argument, but try to come to an amicable solution or at least some sort of middle ground. Then you have to listen to what they have to say. Maybe repeat back to them what you think they are trying to get across so that they know you are listening. Something like, "okay, so as far as I can see you are saying." If they feel that you are listening to them then they may be more inclined to listen to you.

That way your husband or inlaws can understand how you feel, why you feel the way you do and how they can help in future. Timing is very important too. You need to select a time when your husband is able to listen otherwise you won't get the best out of the conversation because your really, really need him to listen if he is to understand at all. It might be helpful to say to him something like, "I need to talk to you about something that happened today that I felt very stressed about. When would be a good time?"

I thought this was a good link. How to communicate without blame.

I thougth this was good too Superiorty in blame

I hope you don't think I'm being too forward with this advice by the way. It's a conversation I have with my mother alot because she finds it very hard not to flare into a rage. She is very emotional and I have been reading things about communication to help her express how she feels. I thought what I read might be helpful to you as well.

Oh and I don't agree with making your husband throw something away to make room for the toys his parents bought. It would be taken that you are punishing him for something his parents did. You need to work toward a solution together otherwise you will just create resentment in each other and that isn't healthy. Punishing him would push him away and make him less inclined to help you or to try and understand your point of view in the future.

edited because I am not sure I was helping any

All very helpful posts (no worries, Leafplant! yours too )-- Spent most of my life feeling misunderstood, so it helps just to come here and know that others are able to empathize.

Thanks for the links, Hurtloam. They are excellent! I will be practicing some of the phrases they suggest. I tend to forget that it's not always realistic to acknowledge my own feelings and expect that the person listening won't react with their own emotions. I hadn't thought about how someone might interpret a statement of feelings as blame if it's not worded properly. On some level, I hate having to think so hard about how to state things so that I get the "right" reaction from the other person--it seems a bit manipulative somehow, but I guess not when you factor in that the goal is for the other person to feel good about the conversation, too.

Since two of you did suggest "clearing house" a bit (I love the "can't eat and not eliminate" analogy!), I realized I did have some related anger on that topic: it seems as if I am always the one to let go of things, because at some point I have realized that I cannot possibly store much. Whenever the closets get on the full side, it is my stuff that is first to go to the consignment shops or the Goodwill. Although I did not go so far as to suggest that my husband weed out some of his things to make room for our son's gifts, I did mention that part of my frustration about the presents had to do with always being the one to let go of things, and with anticipating that obligatory loss every time something new walks into the house. He understood that completely, and suggested we take some time over the winter break to assess the storage space together. Then I explained that my reason for sharing my feelings was that I wanted his input on the best way to talk with his mother about alternative ways of being generous, so that I wouldn't feel as if my feelings were disregarded by her. I guess giving him an objective helped, because he was quite willing to make suggestions there, quite calmly and rationally. Maybe asking his advice did make him feel less that I was complaining, and more that I respected and needed his input (although that was the case all along...)

Thanks for your thoughts!

I can say I overreact and in the past and sometimes today. I try to step out just for a few moments and decide if this is something that does anger me. It's really hard to do this right now but I know it's the best way because sometimes I get upset and I knew I shouldn't have been before or after, occasionally during. I don't deny your feelings but if several people say something I try to make a point to listen and consider if maybe they have a point.