Suicidal again - waking up in hellfire

Post Reply New Topic

Im not sure why im even bothering to vocalise what im feeling - it helps to objectify my emotions somewhat however so here goes.

For the past 2 months suicidal thoughts have been rearing their head ever more frequently. Im afflicted with these emotions which I guess you might call anxiety but which manifest as an unbearable physical tension. Im ugly im alone I can feel my sanity beginning to crack and worst of all I suffer from extreme OCD which persists day and night no respite.

To be honest theres nothing specific - its everything and nothing. I have theorised in all sobriety that years ago one of my suicide attempts was successful and that this existence is hell. The inner torments I subject myself to and that I am subjected to are like medieval torture.

I have my suicide all planned out and fantasise about it - until now it was just a perverse morbid fantasy but now it feels like my only escape.

Noone here can do anything apart from offerthe usual platitudes so this is utterly pointless- bit perhaps someone might have something that might just change my life so its worth a try.

You're not alone in this. Christmas brings out suicidal ideation in people for a lot of reasons.

By being here and posting, you are helping others. Thank you for living.

Here is the number for a US suicide hotline, if you would like it:
1-800-273-8255

Sorry

Here is an email helpline, you seem to be in England. Samaritans.org has a phone hotline as well. jo@samaritans.org is the email though.

You remind each of us who reads your post we all suffer, we all have something still that we value. Thank you for posting, it does help to reach out, and you offer something to all of us. Thank you for living.

I'm not suicidal at the moment but I am depressed as well. Hopefully you'll feel better soon. There seems to be a lot of us proliferating about.

I hope the new year brings improved fortunes for the OP.

Christmas is a bad time.

As you say: vocalising can help to objectify emotion.

Samaritans is often perceived as a bunch of fuddy duddies who want to "talk you out of it".

In reality, a good Samaritan will listen to you non judgementally and (maybe) help with the process of objectification of emotion.

Local rate number: 08457 909090
Freefone number: 116123. This is free for mobile and landline.

Take care

Thanks for the responses. Things improved somewhat today as I have a new computer and a replacement for my broken midi keyboard which filled me with anticipation since I havent had a midi keyboard for 3-4 months. Im a musician and being able to noodle away is very therapeutic. I also utterly love tech so the prospect of having my second pc (ive had laptops since my first computer pc system when I was 8 ) is appealing. For a while these things provided some distraction. hm didnt rrealise 8 + ) = smug sunglass smiley

However the motherboard power unit was faulty and my parents want to send me back home due to the fact that ive had a few meltdowns and they cant cope with the high emotion)

My student address is just disgusting and sends my OCD skyrocketing to the point where I cant use the toilet there cant shower there and cant cook there without much furstration and anxiety. I wear rubber gloves to touch the tap handle and to open the door and my room is paradoxically a horror scene due to the fact that im afraid to touch the floors and certain objects which have become contaminated because I accidentally touched a wall. The list of things goes on and on and on.

Give it a day or so. I understand how you feel. I get it a lot.
I have thought that this must be hell.
I have a bad heart and I had a very bad episode where it shut down a few years ago and I remember when I was on the stretcher I felt really relieved that I was dying and it meant I didn't have to kill myself after all. So there would be no shame or indignity, just a young person unfortunately dead if a dodgy heart. Quite romantic really.
It was a beautiful feeling until I found myself to be still alive.

Now I often wonder if I died that day. My life has been even more painful since then. It has got much worse.

Did I die and go to hell? In which case I had a pretty death.
But it didn't end the pain.

idk about you, but I get seasonal depression. When I dont get enough sunlight I get uncontrollably depressed for no particular reason and feel suicidal. It's really frustrating because it happens even when I would otherwise be happy.

lots of people have issues... idk.

Sorry you feel this way, please seek help. Hugs

Couldnt sleep and woke up at 6 am. Suicide has become a bit of a "special interest" so I ended up researching methodology etc. First thread I found mentioned how the impact of a train causes the human body to explode into a fine mist. Then same page went on to describe the lasting trauma caused to witnesses and the driver.

This is something of a cycle. If I ever want to bring myself out of a suicidal funk all I need to do is research what actually happens to the body. All the methods aviaable to me are the violent kind as I have no access to drugs (I tried opiate mediated suicide before and all I got was an extreme histaminic response) the thought of surivivng paralysed and on life supportfr the next 20 years is enough to destroy the courage ive bult up over the past month.

In a way the nanny state we have in Britain has its advantages. I cant access guns pills hangman's nooses or buildings so the only suicide options are ones which I know I could never go through with.