Schizophrenic Relation With Parents
30 Dec 2013, 1:08 am
NOTE: as much as this will sound like self pity, I don't intend it to be. I'm really working on my self esteem and just want to be happy and at peace.
Before typing this, I cried pretty hard. Why? Another intense episode with my mother. Not exactly an argument, but high drama fit for a soap opera or reality show. It was about finding love and that sort of thing. I said something about wanting to make love under the tree. My mom was "shocked" by this and said I inhabited being an exhibitionist from her. Despite using big words, often in the wrong context, I did not know what this meant. Looking on google, it's either exposing private areas or seeking sexual attention. I think she got this one wrong. I was simply trying to be cute and romantic. Sure, that's pretty awkward to express your parents, but mine get INCREDIBLY awkward with either past sexual encounters or who they have a crush on, whether its a celebrity or real life. I told mom that I'd probably be really awkward on a first date or while being intimate. In her usual "trying to always be positive" fashion, she tells me that I won't be awkward with the right person. Is being awkward always a bad thing? How come she hasn't had real love for years? When I told her about how my anxiety has always hindered me, she's like "don't be anxious. Anxiety is never attractive." Well no s**t! Do you think I've enjoyed living with it? I swear she can be dehumanizing... to add fuel to that fire, when we were getting out of the car, she was going on about how much she wanted us to be happy all the time. I replied with something like that would be wonderful, but realistically and logically impossible. She retorted with "you're too negative" and when I said you have to do what's best for you, she denounced it and changed it to "what God wants me to do" and mentioned a book I got her as a Christmas gift, "The Magic" as if it was the key to everything. I came back with "one book may help but won't solve every problem", which of course went over like a lead balloon. Then as we got inside, I went into one of my tangents about her telling me what to do (what to wear, eat, listen to, watch) too much, despite still being half a dependent (I'm 21 now). Trying to play the contrarian, she asked if I wanted to keep the shirt she suggested to me that we just bought from Target or give it back (I like it myself, and the I don't have to do anything for you dramatics. Then it got REALLY weird for a bit. She said I'm free to do what I want in a condescending manner; I made a half witty defense about not running away and partying. She then flipped out about her "fear" of getting involved with drinking crowds. Sure, I listen to party music (top 40 and rap) sometimes and visualize having fun while drinking a bit, I've also been to karaoke bars a lot with my dad, but I don't like the taste of alcohol and have severe social awkwardness as it is, so I asked "why would alcohol make me better or worse?" See, all she's known is being overprotective, because she doesn't want me to repeat their "wild hippie days." Well then, why does she still describe some of those moments with pride? Why keep me from having what could have been harmless fun since I was a kid?
I've come to realize with my parents (and family), there's the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let's start with the Good: they have been loving and supporting over the years. They're passionate about their interests and professions - mom is a longtime radio DJ with a huge renewed passion for Jesus, and loves crime shows. Dad is a former drywall and ceiling mechanic who still does occasional side work, but has worked at a museum doing maintenance for over four years. Both have an outlandish sense of humor and can be quite funny. Diverse music taste - music is embedded into much of my DNA because of them. Country, classic rock, adult contemporary, jazz, blues, R&B, adult top 40, you name it. They were a bit older, so they weren't into the "edgy" stuff in the 90s that eventually defined my life as a teenager (alternative rock, hip hop, electronic), but still kept a solid foot on the times. Part of them have childlike and warm hearts, which was great for someone with AS like me. They are also sometimes very orderly, without being too OCD.
The bad: very repetitive behaviors. Seriously, that probably makes me sound more neurotypical than them, but they still think I'm their "baby". Sometimes it's comforting, but for example, mom still talks about Barney willingly and it seems pretty sadistic to me. My dad and I have referred to each other as "Buck" through the years, but it gets old after your whole family calls you that after years. Really though, they are extremely moody, and my mood seems to always imbalance theirs. When my dad gets frustrated, it's like nothing goes right, which is a far cry from when he's happy and naive. It's the same for when my mother gets extra dramatic. They are also the types to shove their opinions down your throat. This is why I fake my opinions with them half the time, unless I'm neutral on the subject. Sure, we like a lot of the same music, but I don't share a lot of the newer music I listen to because they'd hate it or wouldn't "get it." There are some exceptions though, like when I played Daft Punk's "Random Access Memories" for mom and she pretty much enjoyed it. They expect me to be responsible to find information for them that can be easily found on the Internet, whether trivial or important because I'm the "tech savvy son". C'mon, I know you're better than that. Their hypocrisy can be astounding sometimes. My mom fancies herself to be a progressive Christian, yet trashes people all the time and still has haughty behaviors when she strongly likes or dislikes something.
The ugly: Well, I'll keep this short. They are absolute wrecks when it comes to driving in high traffic or unfamiliar territory. Usually I just try to keep the peace because I'm just as stuck as they are, but I've recently been able to use GPS and Google Maps navigation on my phone. Still, I get highly nervous when my mom freaks out trying to find the right road and then blames me for no reason when we don't find it right away or make the wrong turn. This is why I need to use transportation or drive places myself, but I'll probably have the same anxiety... Their tempers are pretty much like the scenario I described above, but my mom has called me some pretty vile things like a "horrible person" during outbursts where I felt defenseless. You never say that to your own child, no matter how bad the action is. And my dad is never rational in arguments and *has* to be right all the time, which makes me feel like I have to dumb myself down unless the means are truly necessary.
I'm just curious as to if WP has thoughts, suggestions or similar experiences on this whole ordeal. I really do love my parents, but I can't go on feeling uncomfortable like this or the love/hate routine. I feel like my soul has been sucked dry from spending most of my time on the Internet, with them feeling like a boring consumer in stores and malls and pushing myself in school. I really have a good heart though and plan to be much more selfless next year while embracing the good qualities of who I already am. I don't feel as intelligent or talented as most Aspies, but I already have some gifts in music, writing and information security (current college major). I'm going to do more activities that help me use my brain potential instead of wasting it.
