How I broke free

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I decided to start this post, after reading all the different stories on here. So many people are in a very dark place right now, and have probably been there for years. They are so consumed by their isolation, that every day seems to be torture for them. Time seems to both drag, and fly by, and life seems to carry on without purpose. I don't say these things to taunt, or question, or judge; I say it, because I can relate. I too was once there, and understand how crippling it can be. I've been at the end of my rope; where all hope is lost, and all I wanted to do was give up, and let go. I started this post, because I want people to know that there is hope. For anyone out there who feels trapped, and hopeless, because no one understands you, or feels so scared of the world, that you find yourself petrified; unable to move, or escape, so you hide yourself from others; I'm living proof that things can change, if you want it enough.

I too used to hide myself behind a mask, to avoid allowing people to see the true me. It wasn't until decades later; after years of feeling worthless and numb; I had an epiphany. I realised I was essentially invisible, and that people didn't respect, or even notice I was there half the time. I was often misunderstood and mistreated, and what's worse; I allowed it.

Somehow, something inside me had snapped. I had been pushed beyond my limits, and found an anger deep inside me, that had to fight back. A fire has raged inside me since. I started by not only facing my fears, but hurling myself at them. I dared to try things I never thought in my wildest dreams I could ever be capable of; and while many of them have left me bruised and burned; I have learned to feed off this, and now fuel my deepest desires with a rush of adrenaline, and a need to climb my way out of my deep, dark hole, and up to the top of the heap. In my mind, I was already in pain. Nothing else could hurt me any more than I had already experienced. I decided, if I'm going out, I'm going out fighting.

I've caused a stir with the people around me. I'm brutally honest, I stand up for myself, others, and for my beliefs. I've become fearless. I try new things. I fail, and I succeed. I've learned to laugh at myself. I've stood up to those who wish to do harm on myself, and on to others; emotionally, and mentally. Ive become a leader. I've earned respect; I can see it in the eyes of others; and I love it. I've gained followers, and inspired people to have a voice. I've learned that being selfish can be a good thing in the right doses; not only that; it's essential. I'm looking out for myself for once. I'm making an impression on people. People are listening to what I have to say; and what's more, they are changing for the better, because of it. I've learned more about other people, and therefore myself.

My advice is this. If you're tired of feeling shackled. If you yearn to surface from the depths, and breath in life for once. If all you want to do is scream, and roar your call at the top of you lungs, to let people know you're not dead. Take chances. Make mistakes. Live without hesitation. Trust in your abilities; trust your gut; but use your brain. Follow your heart. Know your strengths, and refine them, build on them, and utilise them to their fullest potential. Don't be afaid to be proven wrong, and don't be afraid to tell others when they are. People respect you more when you're willing to call them on their faults, and when you're able to recognise your own. Understand the difference between the truth, and the truths we tell ourselves. Figure out what you want, what you can get, and what you can live with, then work towards getting it. Fake it til you make it.

Sometimes, in order to find yourself, you must first loose yourself. Sometimes in order to create ourselves, we must first destroy ourselves, so that we can build something stronger.

I hope I have changed your life for the better.

I really appreciate what you said, and it expresses something that I wish I could share with people (in an effort to help them) but I just don't know how to get it across, in a way anyone would understand.

I was suicidal from age 7 to 39, because I felt absolutely hopeless in my ability to be the sort of person that other people expected me to be. But I hung on all that time, because I didn't want to hurt them, by killing myself and creating unpleasantness in their lives.

But 3 years ago I hit a point where I felt like they truly wouldn't even care if I died (and would be happier without me)... And just like you described – something finally 'snapped' inside me, and my own survival instinct kicked in. I decided that I had a right to be here, and live my life, and seek happiness – for myself, and not for anyone else.

Anyway, you explained that phenomenon a lot better than I could, and I hope that it might make a difference to people who are still in that dark place. Thanks for posting this, and I'm glad you're doing so much better these days too!

Thanks for your response

I'm sorry to hear you've had to experience such a rough life, but I'm glad you too found your way. You voiced your story well; I felt I could relate very well with your experience.

I hope the new year brings great things for you.

How do you confront people when they stick with the popular person you're standing up to? And when everyone else will make up all sorts of lies and other unreasonable comebacks so that you usually come out wrong, even though you're right?

How do you confront someone who makes lots of digs at you and never admits when they're wrong?

How do you confront someone who places all blame on you, even when you are completely in the right?

Please answer those questions for me. How do you deal with those sorts of people? I really want to know how.

I need to know the answers to these questions too.

I agree with the OP's sentiment, but I think finding a balance is more important for approaching the long term. I completely relate to what he's saying, but sometimes you can ride that wave and sometimes the wave can ride you. For myself, it's finding how to push boundaries gently instead of the all or nothing adrenaline ride anymore.

As for the other questions posted, I'd say try to eliminate "wrong" or "right" from your mindset, and think about what you really want to accomplish. If the final goal is only "being right", then good luck with that....

It's so I'm not a target for other peoples' insecurities. Which I guess raises a new set of questions, or the most obvious: How do I make myself not a target without appearing aggressive?

This is a complicated problem, with a complicated solution.

I've learned many different things, about many different people, in the hopes of understanding why people treat us the way they do.

The important thing to do first, is to understand the person you're dealing with. What's important to them, what isn't, what do they believe, and why? And what do they get out of trying to prove you wrong? Are their arguments rational, or emotional? Are they a bully? Are they arrogant? Are they afraid? Keep in mind, that people will show you what they want you to see, so these answers aren't always easy to answer. This will take a lot of intuition, and trusting your gut, but you can always try talking to others about their opinions to better understand what you need to about the person.

Once you understand the person you're dealing with, you're better equipped to know the right way to deal with the situation. For example; if they're emotionally lashing out at you, chances are they are threatened by you. This would then mean they are afraid of you, and deal with their insecurities, by 'throwing the first punch', in the hopes of disarming you. Most people who do this rely on you being too afraid of them to fight back. Fear is a powerful weapon. Getting others to gang up on you is a weapon too.

Convince others of what the bully is doing; essentially brainwashing them, and hopefully they'll see reason. Better yet, point it out to the bully. By pointing this out and telling them what they are doing, this not only makes them aware of their behaviour, (which is pretty much a rude wake up call that they might need), but it shows your intelligence in recognising it. Intelligence is intimidating, and earns you respect. Tell them that they are trying to manipulate people in to believing them. Tell them that you know what they are doing, and it doesn't intimidate you. Because bullies feed off your fears, in order to overcome their own, they will respond to strength. If you stand your ground, and stop giving them what they need, they should leave you be. Keep in mind some people simply enjoy starting fights though; it could be for the attention. Ignore them; this will ruin their plan.

Just be cautious with who you're dealing with; if they seem aggressive or unstable, I wouldn't try to anger them, as they may turn violent. In some cases, you may have to simply learn to cut them out emotionally, and if possible, remove them from your life.

I started another post in General Discussion > Bipolar, Tourettes, Schizophrenia, and other Psychological Conditions > Narsasistic Personality Disorder. Have a read or this, and look up information about Personality Disorders. This may help you understand people when you're at a loss, and can't figure out their extreme behaviours.

I hope that helps.

I can agree with OP about the relinquishment of misgivings, however there's only one thing I believe could be misinterpreted; as autistics our perception defies simple explanations, adages and how they can determine the course of our lives. I can of course relate to both Hart & Ashariel in that the primary thing that kept me alive for a while was my sense of collectivism, but 'fake it 'till you make it' truly refuses to resonate in me. I'm well aware of how many people in this world live by those words, but my life only ever seemed more & more real. My professional ability in technology can't be faked, nor can my long-standing (unlike OP's) interest in adrenaline. I think where many posters' lives reached tipping points, mine stretched it WAY out. The adrenaline fixation, for me, has manifested in mountainbikes, skis, skateboarding, sports cars and somewhat more recently, my specialty, computing - which involves many a suspenseful night. It all started when I was in 1st grade probably, I can't say I've looked back on anything but the tougher events that guided my decisions, things like harassment in school or *extensive* family melodrama.

I really appreciate sharing of guidance and hard-earned insight, but please be careful to properly legitimize the unexplainable & traumatic.

I do agree with you here, and I apologise if I made it sound like a 'quick fix' to fix all your problems. It's definitely not a quick fix, and not something you take lightheartedly. You are essentially making a conscience decision to work at it, and change your life forever. You're reprogramming your brain, in a sense, to change who you are.

I am not sure a person can change who they are, but I do think a person can develop new skills or new ways of coping and behaving. I am not sure this changes their personality or core temperament though.

You can change your life by changing other things about yourself though.

And I don't think it is about being right when it comes to people using bullying tactics to belittle someone. It has to do with not wanting to be on the receiving end of such vicious attacks that can very much serve to socially isolate a person and cause them absolute misery.

I'm really pleased for you Hart.

I found the post hard to read, because It reminded me a little of someone I know well.

I wish all the best for the future. Keep going, and remember to take it easy sometimes, even warriors need a break.

Good question. I'd guess the best answer would be to defuse the situation in some kind of ingratiating manner. I just avoid and ignore, and I'll usually blow over.

Hart has good advice, but it goes far beyond me to comprehend the driving motives of other people most of the time.

I can appreciate your point of view, and concern.

When I talk about faking it til you make, I of course don't imply pretending your life is something it's not, and hoping it will all change overnight. I want to make it clear to everyone that you simply can't wish your problems away by pretending they aren't there. When you fake it til you make it, you're essentially trying to teach yourself to view the world differently. I always found the problem I faced was that I was so trapped in my own mind, that I was blind to the possibilities. Once I decided what I wanted, the only way I was able to achieve it, was to wonder outside of my comfort zone, and enter in to a new role, which I had never played before. This leaves you feeling vulnerable, or scared, as though you may be trying to be someone you're not, and many people then give up, because it isn't what they are used to. It's merely a way of giving yourself permission to change who you are, so that you may grow as a person.

When I speak about adrenaline, this was how I was able to cope with the feeling of repression. I reprogrammed my mind to not accept feeling sorry for myself as acceptable, and that I deserved to live my life to its fullest. When people are bogged down too much in using themselves as a punching bag, you're essentially killing yourself. You have to fight this, even if it makes us feel better about our situation. I didn't know this for a long time, but feelings of self pity, are self indulgent, and so it is a hard habit to break. This is difficult, but it can be overcome if you keep pushing through. How do you push through? You give yourself purpose; find out what you want, work hard to get there, do kind things for yourself, and you do things that make you happy, even if you don't feel like it. If you can keep this up, eventually it will work, but again, you have to want it to.

I hope I've addressed that issue correctly, and clarified a few things.

Thanks baby bird, I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

Don't worry I'm much better these days. I look after my needs quite well, and ensure I'm healthy in body and mind. It's now been years since I've felt this way, so I'm confident that I have kicked the habit altogether now. I pleased to say I am happy with my life.

sometimes being aggressive is the appropriate response.