This morning, on New Years eve, I had to have my BIL help to bring some things to my upstairs apartment during some moving process. I gave my sister n organ I no longer use, helped her husband load it into the back of his truck, and after we had finished carrying the items up to my apartment, I just turned and thanked him and came back inside, not even crossing my mind for an instant to ask if he needed me to go with him to unload it. Didn't even realize it for about 2 hours later.
This is not an isolated incident. I do things like this all the time, seeming insensitive or indifferent to the needs of others after they have helped me with something. I recognize it as an Aspie characteristic immediately but am still powerless to prevent it from happening again. I compensate unknowingly by offering them money for helping me instead of helping them in return.
It is so frustrating to be perceived as being so cold and thoughtless, but I am not like that in my own perception of myself. I do care about peoples needs and feelings but am just incapable of demonstrating it at the proper time. I know my family thinks I am an a**hole, but no one says anything directly. And later today, a few hours before the New Year bell, we are supposed to finish with the unloading of the truck, which now has only a sectional, a big coffee table and 4 bookcases. And I am giving my sisters SIL and daughter a virtually new recliner, for free. Yesterday, I had paid my BIL and sister $100 and bought them dinner.
I feel like such a piece of s**t, but this has happened in various incarnations, so many times that my family seems to just kinda treat me with condescension, like I am a toddler who doesn't know any better.
Arggggh, this feeling sucks so badly.
31 Dec 2013, 9:59 am
