Things are getting really bad

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I'm turning into such a dick hole and I can't help it. This f*****g Asperger's is actually turning me into a psychotic maniac. I hate every bit of it.

I keep lashing out angrily at my family, slamming doors so hard I almost break it, and smacking myself in the head (because of extreme self-hatred and low self-esteem), which I'm worrying in case I give myself a brain haemorrhage or something. I don't think I damage my head as much as I bruise my hands, though. I just get so angry with myself, because of all the social faux pas I have done in my life and all the times I have been rejected and hurt, and it's still going on now. I thought my boyfriend was sorting things out with a divorce but it seems he won't come away from his f*****g wife because it's been 6 months and he's only took me out, like, twice since I've known him. I feel like I'm just being used for sex.

Yes I know I will hear a string of ''you have to end it now'', but I don't know what's worse, being repeatedly disappointed by a man or having no man at all. In either situation, I still will have angry lash-outs because of loneliness and isolation when I hear what all my f*****g cousins are doing with their f*****g mates and partners. f**k them. I hate them. I want them out of my life. I don't want to be reminded that I'm from a happy-go-lucky NT family and I'm a f*****g loser with no confidence. I've joined social groups before but no can't even make friends there because I'm too f*****g shy I f*****g hate myself, then people wonder why I have issues.

I'm s**t scared to go on meds in case they might make me worse in other ways or they might not work at all. Then what? I'll then end up in a psychiatric ward or something. Then if word got out about that, then everyone who I am friends with will be afraid of me. Life's already isolating. I hate my f*****g brain WHY CAN'T I BE BORN NORMAL???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Also I feel like I've either got to always be in a bad mood but never have lash-outs, or be in a good mood sometimes but then have it all bottle up whilst in a good mood and then lash out when a bad day comes.

I can't f*****g go on like that, I'm going to end up damaging myself physically and damaging other people emotionally. I just hope to God that meds will do something useful to my f*****g brain, what is wrong with my f*****g brain?

I had the same problems as you had and I ended up in a psychiatric ward. While I was there I thought that instead of thinking of myself as someone who gets things wrong and deserves to be punished I had to think of myself as someone who does get things right and who does have something to offer. That's what works for me even though it sounds clichéd. Otherwise I would suggest seeing your doctor or a psychiatrist or counsellor.

I'm so terrified of being in a psychiatric ward. But my emotions are getting so out of control. I keep just wanting to be free like a bird and just fly away and hide up in a tree when I want to rest. I feel like things are getting better even for people who've always seemed to have Aspie traits, like their social awkwardness is disappearing and they've found love and happiness, while I seem to be sinking further and further into depression. I keep bursting into tears at work, and people are sympathetic at the moment, but if you keep on crying people soon start to think that you're an attention-seeker.

I need happy pills what won't give me side effects.

If that's the case I really would see your doctor or see if you can get counselling. I'm on 3mgs of rispiridone which works fine for me but I did put on a lot of weight when I first started taking them. Just remember that everyone here will listen to you. PM me if you ever want to chat.