Need some serious advice.

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I have aspergers, and I was pretty badly physically abused as a child. Sometime when I'm in a bad mood, I like to choke myself with a belt til I nearly pass out. It feels good, and helps me escape from my thoughts.
Also other things like taking a whole packet of cold and flu tablets and that seems to help to.
I'm aware this is destructive behaviour, but when I get into a low mood, it's all I can think about.
Sometimes I like to fastasise about hanging myself, and I find the thought of my mother blaming herself for it very comforting.
I don't tell anyone about this stuff. But since I've started admitting it to myself, I've been feeling much worse, and much more destructive.
I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Have you tried finding a professional to confide in? I know finding a psychologist to ask for help can be quite daunting, but it may be something that could help.

I'm no psychologist but it's probably good to air out these issues. The theory here is you don't act on them because it's out in the open. Hopefully, I'm right. Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I've seen pharmaceutical overuse destroy people - I know how taboo it might be, but next time just smoke some pot instead, I guarantee that won't kill you.

Damage control can be easier and take longer than some might imagine.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
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-Gem Tos

Self-harmig it's not the way. What makes you to do that?

It's all about escapism I spose. It gets so hard to constantly be with my thoughts, I feel an overwhelming urge to do something that puts me into a lower state of consciousness.
Even talking about doing this stuff makes me feel petty and stupid.

Don't ever feel stupid. Feel a little better in the knowledge you have somewhere relatively 'safe' to come to and share your feelings.

You've been brave to come here and say the things you do to ease your pain. This might just be an early step to getting on top of the things that bring you such pain. I hope it is.

I know you mentioned getting into a lower state of consciousness, have you thought about meditation at all? I'm not sure it takes you to a lower state, but it might take you to a 'different' state.

Good luck

Well, recognising the problem is the first step. Don't feel stupid for that.

If I go and see someone about this, what exactly do I tell them? Just everything?

Yes. If you see a professional tell them everything. If they don't know the extent of your problem they can't help you. A psychologist isn't going to judge you. An experienced psychologist has probably seen and heard just about everything.

I have been abused in several ways and it has had a negative impact on me as well. I have several addictions. In fact, I've used some kind of compulsion or another to numb the pain for as long as I can remember. When I was younger it was much worse (alcohol and marijuana abuse, burning myself, hitting my head against the wall, high-risk and compulsive sexual behavior, suicide attempts, etc.). Now, I am much better at handling the negative thoughts and emotions.

I have a really good therapist that I see who helps me work through these feelings. I recommend finding a mental health professional who is experienced with helping people who have experienced severe trauma and abuse. It is okay to ask what the person specializes in or what they usually treat when you first meet with them. This will help you figure out if they can help you or not. When you show up, tell them what you told us. You are worried about the choking and the drug abuse and you think it has something to do with being physically abused as a child.

There is no magic cure but you will feel better if you keep going and working with the right therapist. If you don't feel like you are getting any better or you don't trust you therapist, find another one. The first person you try might not be a good fit.

Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it. I've set an appointment again (didn't turn up to the last one). Does anyone else feel the need to be constantly reassured by people you care about, otherwise you feel overwhelmed and feel reckless and depressed?

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