I'm having a really hard time at the moment because my boyfriend of nine years started a PhD course in England (whereas I live in Scotland) and so I only see him at the weekend. I don't have a job because of Autism, PTSD and related mental problems, and I frankly don't enjoy being around people who aren't him - I find it stressful and exhausting. So, most of the time I'm just in the house with my cats, and where before I'd look forward to him coming in from work so we could eat the meal I'd cooked together, now I just have to eat by myself, go to bed by myself, get up by myself, and it's beginning to get to me. I cope with being alone better than most, but he's all I have. I am estranged from my family (a complicated story, but they are pretty much a closed door to me now).
What makes it worse is that I feel like being apart from me doesn't really bother him. Before he started the PhD course, he was doing a master's degree and working in a shop full-time. Consequently, he was always stressed and tired, and we didn't get much time together. When he graduated with his Master's degree, I tried to encourage him to put off doing a PhD for a year, and just work at the shop, save up a bit of money, and make up for all the time we couldn't spend together because he was working and at university . . . but he wouldn't. He said that the PhD was too good an opportunity to miss, so he would do that instead. He discouraged me from coming with him, saying that I'd be bored (he's studying in a small town with few amusements), and I had to stay in Scotland anyway because he needed to keep his shop job in order to work at the weekends, as we need the money. It hurt, though, that he wouldn't take a year out with me. I mean, I'm sure the PhD is a good opportunity, but one day one or the other of us will die and we'll never see each other again, and to me that makes other things seem trifling and unimportant. I feel like he is at the opposite end of the spectrum, in that he doesn't see it that way at all and anything that isn't related to his studies (including me) takes a back seat.
Anyway, we had a big argument today because for a while he had been saying that we'd have this weekend together as he wasn't at work, and it would be really nice. I was really pleased and looking forward to it, but then, in the middle of the week, he rang and said that he was coming back on Saturday night as opposed to Friday night because he wanted to go to a symposium. It made me feel like I was automatically less important than the symposium, even though he promised a weekend together. I didn't really say anything, because I get tired of feeling like I have to demand and nag if I want any time with him. If I have to make him spend time with me, it's meaningless and there's no point because he would rather do something else. It really hurt that he didn't seem to think of cutting off half of the weekend he had promised me as a big deal, or even a bad thing.
So, he came back on Saturday night, and we ate together and made plans to take our puppy out and go to the cinema on Sunday. I awoke in good time to do these things, and said that I was hungry and wanted to get up. He didn't bother, and went back to sleep instead, and because nagging him to get out of bed so we can do something together is another thing I'm sick of doing, I didn't. I just left him and ate alone, and did chores &c. He got out of bed hours later, and it was too late to do any of the things we had planned. It made me feel like he'd rather just sleep than spend the time with me, and I was hurt. It put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and we irritated each other until we both got really angry. I just hung up on him shortly before I started writing this because I lost my temper when he said that I didn't take any interest in what he did. I don't know how! I find what he studies really dull, and he knows that, and he also knows that I find feigning interest in things really hard. He was acting as if I was supposed to be pleased that he went to the symposium instead of coming home. He's at work now.
Another thing is that I've been really angry with him for a long time because no matter how much I ask/cry, he rarely kisses me, never makes me feel attractive or wanted sexually, and never initiates sex. He says things like "Oh, I do think you're beautiful, and I love to kiss you, etc. etc.", but doesn't behave as if this is how he feels at all, and it's just another thing that makes me feel crap about myself. That, and I fantasize about sleeping with other people because the sexual side of things with him is so inadequate, which I feel really guilty about.
I don't think that there's any real solution. I'm not easy to live with, and I realise that he's probably the best boyfriend I could ever get, and in lots of ways I'm really lucky to have him . . . but God, is it hard sometimes. I guess I just wanted to vent and for someone, somewhere, to understand how I feel, because he sure as hell doesn't seem to.
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"I'd go further - I'd say 'Life is wasted on . . . people.'"
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13 Jan 2014, 4:00 pm
