responding in another thread made me realize....

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I'll go ahead and post pretty much what I posted there, because it's something that technically has bothered me for quite some time.

"Most of the time I struggle reaching out to people. The fact is, I struggle dealing with people in general. Always wonder why it is something happens or why it is that I suffer so much. Most of it is probably of my own doing due to being judgmental of myself.

I grew up feeling inferior, I was the eldest, but the one with the most "issues". I always had a feeling that my mother/father liked my other sisters more, that I felt like the mistake. The first child, the one they couldn't mold and control to what they wanted, so they felt like I was not worth investing in any longer. In the end, that's honestly probably just what I thought, but in all honesty I've burnt my bridges with them long ago with my now hermit-like tendencies and narrow interest in playing games. extreme discomfort of dealing with unfamiliar people, and terrible experiences in the workplace have made me afraid to try and re-enter. now explaining my past interest a little:

the only thing that made (at least my mother proud) was my interest in music, the fact that I loved playing, and would learn any instrument I got my hands on.I was playing since roughly 4th grade, though for some reason in high school my left hand freezes up and the doctor doesn't know what's wrong, and we didn't have the money to look into it further. It rendered me unable to play any longer. that was my center of interests, music. But at the same time I kind of lost what I wanted to do in the future. I just wanted to play, alternative interests in music careers did not interest me.

I ended up feeling rather lost in that regard. It all ended up leading to my (at the time) secondary interest.... Gaming. Probably a rather odd one for females, I was told that a lot by kids my age at the time. But over time especially once I reached my 20s, my now obsessive interest in gaming made me aware that I shouldn't bring it up to people. I had done so before and people just ended up rather avoidant of me. Probably because I really had nothing else to talk about.

Well that's just a little background of me and my interests at least.

In school I was of course in "Special Education" classes due to my inability to focus in class and generally being an annoyance to the instructor. in subjects i didn't care for, I'd be caught reading a book on something I was. I always took favor for classes like science, music, art, and eventually math, but then I hated writing, and especially history. Some aspects of history were interesting, but they rarely ever covered them.

I was bullied alot in school due to being involved with the "special ed" classes (and my height), though I never was the type to fight back, so it usually was one-sided. had my sketchbooks/music ripped to shreds, been kicked, punched, etc. Seems i was no longer classified as "female" due to the fact i had been significantly taller than my peers my entire life. At least that's what i thought. (I'm 6'1" now)

Never had many friends. Generally if I skipped class I'd be found in the library reading whatever I got my hands on, from encyclopedias to fantasy novels. I assumed many found my difficult to approach, or no one found me interesting enough. I struggled a lot talking to my peers, though I wasn't nearly as over-thinking as I am now. But in all honesty, eventually I just found more comfort in being alone, even if that made me different. I didn't have to worry about my inability to fit in, and it allowed me to read or do whatever as much as I wanted.

I had been misdiagnosed with ADHD which wasn't resolved till my 20s when they re-diagnosed me with AS. (though the psychologist doing the examination said, while I identify more with AS, that I also have traits of BPD)

Now after my massive wall of text of completely (potentially) irrelevant information, I've always had insecurities about myself. I never talk about my interests outside of people I know have similar interests. Which honestly makes me rather boring to talk to. People find that out very quick. I'm terrible at talking to people in the first place, and I always over-think everything. It pretty much affects everything I do. I'm too afraid to try anything new out of fear of failure. I'm a major procrastinator also out of fear of "if I try it'll not be good enough, but if I don't try it won't get done" but I end up running around in circles about it till it's eventually last minute and I end up rushing to get it complete. I'm afraid to talk to people out of fear that I'll burn bridges before I've even crossed them. I tend to be extremely quiet and never say much or if I feel some immediate connection through like if they have a similar interest, I end up talking too much that I end up scaring them off. *sigh*

I've always had discomfort in crowds, parties are never my thing. I also struggle to hear people if another sound is louder than they are, I've even had issues where I can't make out what they're saying and they're only in the next room and I'm washing dishes. People have always found that rather weird of me.

I am married (strange how that managed to happen, but I am happy it has, and I love him very much so I just hope I never bore/annoy him :< We've been friends for many years before we even dated, and eventually now married) ). I tend to ask if I'm doing something right (like learning a language, or whatever i was doing), I constantly ask people if I'm doing anything wrong, am I annoying them. I constantly am over-analyzing situations, that I end up unable to take part in the situation, or the situation has passed. I tend to be over-worried about performance even in my center of interest "gaming". I could be performing better than most people in what I'm doing, and I'd still think I'm doing something wrong or I'm not good enough.

I've been worried a lot in the class I'm taking recently (I'm learning Danish because my husband is danish and I am now living in Denmark with him, and part of the prerequisite of permanent residency is to be able to speak and understand danish to a specific level). Many times I've wanted to quit because I feel overly inferior to the rest of the people in my class. That I feel i'm learning too slow, that I'm not picking things up quickly. After I leave class for the day I feel extremely tired/exhausted. My husband tries to help by encouraging me, that I'm not as bad as I think I am, but i can't help but feel like I'm learning too slowly. I may be doing well in reading/writing but I feel I'm suffering terribly in the aspects of listening/speaking. And that feeling eats away at me in class, and at home when I'm trying to complete assignments.

My mother has always been annoyed at the fact that I no longer try to go outside and "try to make friends". She wants me to try and go out and do new things, but I'm always too afraid to do so. I don't even know how I'm supposed to make friends with my narrow interests, and even then not many females identify with my interests. Even then they more than likely would become bored since even then my interest in gaming has become fairly narrow too. not only that, most people who share my same "sex" I've never managed to like most of them since I don't share the same typical female interests. And befriending guys who like gaming ended up more of a hassle than not. I've made many friends online, but strangely enough my mother doesn't count those as "Friends".

My tendency to not reach out to people has also proven problematic in keeping friends. I feel if I try to contact them that I'll annoy them, so i feel if they want to talk to me they'd come of their own choice. But this of course has backfired many times. "

this pretty much explains everything. I want to do something about it, maybe I'm just trying to find advice or something to do about it. One would argue "well just go out and do something, don't worry about failing!" if only it was that simple.

I related strongly when reading some of your post especially not being able to hear over noises gah, that is so frustrating, I also spent pretty much my all my free school time in the library. I have found coming to accept my aspergergers difficult as the inherent traits of being on the spectrum conflict with socially accepted norms. It can be frustrating and disheartening trying to accept my aspie issues when they constantly incur negative reinforcement when dealing with people in social settings. However even though it is crappy and difficult I have still been able to accept, if only a little, some of my quirks and have found being part of this community invaluable, here I can ramble in and people have an understanding and acceptance that is lacking when dealing with NT dominated society. I hope you can accept your 'issues' with the love and compassion you deserve,
Be kind and forgiving to yourself, I think this is the best advice.

I related to some of what you said, when I was in primary school I spent my lunchtimes in the school Library it was like a safe haven for me.
I left that school and went to a special school where I felt I fitted in there and had a few friends 1or 2 I still keep in contact with today.
I did do a few courses like calligraphy and I also did a Numercy class as I wasn't all that good with maths.
I tried joining a club but I found the people too rough and when they picked on me that was it I didn't go anymore.