How to learn to love myself and give myself attention?

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HopefulFlower
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29 Jul 2013, 2:44 pm

I search for these things in others-specifically romantic partners. And I am now realizing that they're not there to be my mother. I need to give this attention to myself and learn to love myself. That is what I was told by my extherapist. But how do I do it... I feel this... chronic emptiness inside that bothers me so much. Help? How am I supposed to give attention to myself? How am I supposed to learn to love myself?

Edit:

I understand romantic partners CAN mother a little but... I want to be able to be there for myself and give this to myself. I have to stand on my own two feet for once.


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Jensen
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29 Jul 2013, 3:29 pm

It is too abstract.You should be very concrete/technical for a start.
Someone once gave me this advice:

Look at yourself and find parts of your body, small areas, that you can see is absolutely beautiful, - absolutely worth being proud of, - Worth painting! Write it down and remember to look at it.

Then go to your face and do the same. Find the most handsome traits about it. Note them and look at them

Then find the things you like most about your own personality, - just one or two things. More will come up.
Any special talents?

Write a "I´m good"- diary. That could be the first step.


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Last edited by Jensen on 29 Jul 2013, 4:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cathylynn
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29 Jul 2013, 3:35 pm

the book, "self-esteem companion" by fanning and McKay and others, helped me.



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29 Jul 2013, 4:45 pm

be the best person you know how to be.



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30 Jul 2013, 5:17 am

I'm not sure if I agree with your ex-therapist. For me, "loving myself" worked for years, but right now it's failing blatantly. And even when it worked, it had nasty side-effects. I was very self-centered, and to be happy, I needed to be better than everyone else at something.

You should try it anyway, but when compiling a list of "positive things about you", make sure not to compare yourself to others too much. It may be less of a problem for you because I think it's mostly a male trait.

A romantic relationship is probably the strongest source of self-esteem and happiness, but at your age, it's not a good idea to depend on that. Most teenagers I know are rather shallow about relationships. They do it for the hormones and the experience, and maybe for showing off, but they don't think so much about the actual idea of "love".

Most people at your age depend of their friends very much. What's your general experience with people? Can you stand being around them? Can you engage in conversations?



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31 Jul 2013, 1:00 pm

Hiya honey

Try keeping a diary of all the nice things that happen to you (e.g. someone pays you a compliment) or things that you do that made you feel good (e.g. watching a film, helping someone).
Pamper yourself a little - new nail varnish, etc, and enjoy the experience (even if it's only a hot bath... my fave).
Ask a good friend to tell you what he/she likes about you, strengths/ weaknesses, etc - you'd be amazed at what people come up with!

Good luck, lovely. Feel free to pm me if you like. I know exactly what it's like to be the 'outsider' and have low esteem - we probably all do on WP. You are among friends, or at least people who will accept you for who you are. :)



Kjas
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31 Jul 2013, 9:57 pm

HopefulFlower wrote:
I search for these things in others-specifically romantic partners. And I am now realizing that they're not there to be my mother. I need to give this attention to myself and learn to love myself. That is what I was told by my extherapist. But how do I do it... I feel this... chronic emptiness inside that bothers me so much. Help? How am I supposed to give attention to myself? How am I supposed to learn to love myself?
Edit:

I understand romantic partners CAN mother a little but... I want to be able to be there for myself and give this to myself. I have to stand on my own two feet for once.


By practising it every day.
But it really has to come from you, deep down.

If you do the same thing without the intention, it simply becomes another chore.
If you do it with that intention foremost in your mind and keep doing it until it becomes natural to you and something you don't think about anymore - that can change everything.

So... questions...
Do you make time to take care of yourself every day?
Do you make time to do things that you really enjoy every day?
Do you make sure all your needs are met?


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Toy_Soldier
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31 Jul 2013, 11:16 pm

I'm not totally sure about the therapist's take on it either. They may be right, or maybe just partially. What you describe also sounds something like being dependant on the attention, opinion, validation of others. Its pretty common and I think most of us do it to an extent.

It's also not uncommon to be unsure about your identity at your age. Who am I? What am I? That sort of thing. I think auntblabby's response addresses that with 'be the best person you can be'. I would add that is as if you were alone, independant, without the influence of another specific person.

Relationships are important and to many the central focus of a life. But its best when its a merging/cooperation of two equals and not a dominant/submissive type.



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02 Aug 2013, 7:31 am

go to a shelter and adopt a pet works for me :wink:


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JacobV
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13 Feb 2014, 6:58 am

HopefulFlower wrote:
I search for these things in others-specifically romantic partners. And I am now realizing that they're not there to be my mother. I need to give this attention to myself and learn to love myself. That is what I was told by my extherapist. But how do I do it... I feel this... chronic emptiness inside that bothers me so much. Help? How am I supposed to give attention to myself? How am I supposed to learn to love myself?

Edit:

I understand romantic partners CAN mother a little but... I want to be able to be there for myself and give this to myself. I have to stand on my own two feet for once.


Most aspies feel this way, and your therapist is right but there is more to it

I've known many aspies and the way things typically work is that most men end up alone and age alone while most women end up getting married to a husband who provides for them and actually end up ok and happy.. i've seen this with my own eyes. Why resist it? Just take your time, find a really decent guy who works and is down to earth and loves you and it's a wrap... that's the good life right there, why try to avoid it?



mouthyb
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13 Feb 2014, 1:22 pm

That one is hard for me--it's not just the AS, it was also a childhood that was without any gentleness, kindness or care. You know how most people like breaks, or enjoy doing nice things for themselves? I don't, for the most part, but I've discovered it's necessary, like a workout would be. I'm going to tell you what I do, and note that this is really f*****g hard for me, because I am hard on me in ways I've never seen anyone else be hard on themselves. I enjoy very little I do for long; I am driven to accomplishment in order to feel good about myself (high-achieving is an understatement in my case).

If I heard my life story from someone else, I would feel compassion for them and their struggles. Sometimes, I visualize myself as a child, and how I would react to myself as a child. If I had met myself, I would have felt compelled to hold me out of compassion for the things that my family and others put me through, and for the challenges which I still continue to face. I would have wanted to take care of me.

Even though I really dislike myself as is, I try to spend some time having... sympathy for what I have done.

I also keep a little 'trove' of things I have earned--letters and emails from grateful students, things lovers or those close to me have said, awards I have earned, and moments where I am proud of what I have done (a rigorous math proof, a program that works beautifully, an A in a course, etc). I try to revisit them as necessary. I also try to do at least one kind thing for someone else a day, as a sort-of reminder that I do not have to be what I was taught to be. In those moments, I do something wonderful, and while I may feel horrible sometimes, at least I am capable of those moments. Finally, I keep a fairly careful schedule for self-care. I don't always follow it, but if I let myself, I can drive myself to literal collapse and have to be hospitalized.

My therapist, of course, is not happy with this particular path of reasoning, but it is literally as close as I will get to self-love. On my really good days, I almost like myself.

I would note, too, that I did spend some time looking for parental figures in my twenties. Sadly, that hole cannot be filled, and I'm sorry to tell you this. What is missing there will always be missing, it's just that you learn to live with it--okay, my family utterly rejected me and spent a great deal of time trying to convince me to kill myself because no one would ever love me. And you know what? That's sort of their problem, though they've tried to make it mine. In the end, utterly rejecting a child says more about the family than it does about the child. I don't have a family to fall back on, or a mother to ask questions, or a grandmother to visit, or aunts and uncles who are able to help me with various life challenges.

But miraculously, other people love me--friends, lovers, students---I am loved. Not everything has to be romantic. There's a lot to be said for the respect and love that comes from the sort of person you are to others. I am to others someone who cares for them, who helps them, who defends them as necessary, someone who makes them laugh or feel as if they are, if briefly, understood, or who helps them find a job, or who explains a complicated subject, or who listens to them. Every time someone loves me for what kind of person I am to them, it's a little victory over who I was 'supposed' to be.

Sometimes I'm also that b***h over thar, but people are many things.

I hope this was helpful to you. I wish you luck. Coming to terms with that hole is no small thing, but it can be done.


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13 Feb 2014, 10:44 pm

Are you sure about that Mr V with out question aspie men die alone :wink: , though the women I thought they nearly all ways end up in bad relationships .


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mouthyb
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14 Feb 2014, 4:37 pm

Gentlemen, her signature line says she's gay. Chances are good she's not interested in settling down with a nice guy.


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14 Feb 2014, 10:48 pm

There is no one quick answer for your question. Even having the knowledge that you need to love yourself more or treat yourself better or be less emotionally dependent on others will not translate into action if you do not feel worthy of love. The biggest things that have worked for me are TIME and COMMITMENT. I tend to be a very systematic, goal-oriented person, so I work on one issue at a time that needs to be addressed with the ultimate goal of loving myself and taking care of myself. Perhaps this method will work for you. Start with the biggest problem first. Come up with a concrete plan for addressing that issue and follow through on that plan. After that problem is resolved, pick another one that is really bothering you.

I have gone from zero self-esteem, being on a suicide mission as a teenager, to being a healthy person without a lot of emotional problems at the age of 30. It took me over a decade of intense work to get here. But today, after addressing so many issues, the ones that I have left are not life-threatening. They aren't that big of a deal. I can love myself in spite of my shortcomings because, looking at the big picture, I am a good person. I am living by my values 99% of the time. I can be proud of myself.

Specific actions that have helped me (Just an example. I know you have your own path and your own issues):

1) I make a commitment not to use drugs or alcohol because I am an addict.
2) I make a commitment to my physical health by going to the doctor, following their advice, watching what I eat, not practicing unsafe sex, and not smoking cigarettes.
3) I make a commitment to my mental health by going to therapy, Al-Anon meetings, sex addiction recovery meetings, taking my psych. meds.
4) I make a commitment to my emotional health by watching the situations I put myself in and the people I allow into my life. and actually doing what my therapist tells me to do.

This list sounds really simple, but it took years of intense emotional pain and struggle to figure out what specifically I needed to do to take care of myself.

I agree with the other people about nothing external being able to fill that hole. That emptiness, that longing, goes away once you accept yourself and your life and learn to believe in yourself. With TIME and COMMITMENT, it is possible.