Bitter as hell, things are falling apart

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OK, here we go!

To start with, I just accidentally ate a piece of Bakers Chocolate, I am thoroughly grossed out.

This was part of a lonelieness induced, Valentines Day pig out in the kitchen. Sure im dating a girl, but I suspect its all going to end. She rarely messages me back, and unlike me she isnt a miserable loser who does nothing but reads old history books and shuffles about in her room Goddamnit, this woman is clearly my social better in every way possible, and in this regard not only is my love for her feeling sad, my ego is going to get smashed again. Its going to take alot of emotional tape to get that together again!

Whats most frustrating is that im afraid part of it may be part of my being a victim of rape. Every time I disclose that fact to a close friend of lover, they either dont care or they treat you like an entirely broken person and cant look beyond its scope. She seems a bit like the latter.

But of course that isnt the only problem. Im a biter sounding, misanthropic person who mutters under his breath and probably has a bad sense of humour. It only makes sense that I would not be better at finding people.

Further, I dont see much future for myself. Im only interested in the most academic aspects of life, and I plan on entering academia. I can definitely see myself being all embittered like young Raskolnikov wandering St. Petersburg.

Lonelieness is not a fun feeling, I hope at least part of this made sense

You make sense. Remember, though, you feel however you feel inside your head, inside her head is a very different place, and who she sees when she looks at you, you might not recognize. She's concerned how you make her feel inside her head, and that may be just fine with her. Respect what she sees in you, she might be right, you know.

I've been there many times. You are not alone.