Where do I belong

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Way too familiar a feeling for me.

I have been around a bit, and have been a reborn christian for 22 years. One of the things I have realized is that we tend to be annoyed by fundamentalism. As an aspie I see the whole as it is, and I do not interpret to support a viewpoint, but rather change my viewpoint based on conclusions from the whole scripture. The NT approach tends to be the opposite, which creates discrepancies that irritate us. When I question it too much or too vocally I am seen as either rebellious or not submissive enough....you should know this very well.

This carries over into other areas. NT's communicate for the sake of communication, we do it for the sake of info transfer. This means NT's will always say things that they feel the communication process needs, even if it is not part of the worldview. They want to make sure the relationship stays intact, at the expense of a few white lies.

You need to get to the point where you can filter out the hot air from the conversations, and know that NT's talk to you because they want a relationship. Just remember, it will not be according to our definition of a relationship...it will be shallow most of the times.

By me actually pushing past my irritations I have managed to cultivate some very good friendships, even though these friends often do things that drive me mad.

All in all, understand that even though emotions are very powerful, they are also based on perceptions. Change your perceptions. WHat helped me was to study different personality types (basic reading). The Myers-Briggs personality profiles are quite interesting to read, and it gives you insight. Also, do the test to figure out what your type is....I am INTJ. It also helped me understand what I am about, and revealed some areas I can change. Change is a good thing, it brings a new challenge to occupy my brain.

My big thing is that you need to understand how valuable you are, and that the very people who hurt you have no idea how much they need you in their lives. If it feels safer, then stay on the fringes, but do not withdraw.

Also, do not for one moment believe that there is something wrong with you.....you are just different.

I can have a decent day(kept distracted long enough) but then night comes and all the negative comes flowing in. I'm alone forever. 3-60 more years of this. Why would got do this to me. if I serve no point of living why am I alive, why couldn't the doctors just of let me die. Though I suppose they had no ideal of how wrong i was as just a baby. maybe it's good they screen for disorders in fetis now, so that more people won't go thru what I must endure.

I had a really bad thought yesterday that disgusts me but still. maybe genocide isn't all bad.

I know it sounds bad, I'm in a dark place still. I guess its cause I can't kill myself and I shouldn't be alive. so not the genocide of people for their race, but the riding of useless people like me.


friend came over at midnight last night cause I was talking about wanting to die. Took me out of the house on a walk for few hours. was nice. and taught me something important, don't tell him in the future. he was talking about doing a anonymous type to a suicide hotline was his other choice. That scares me. I don't need that on top of everything else.

I enjoy socializing. I don't get enough of it, probably a part of my depression, or the never leaving my room. plus being alone for 10 years every night.

I'm so stuck, the things I'd like to change I can't. some things people say to change to get a girl I don't want to. I use to like who I am, I don't want to stop being me. I don't even know how to if I did.

went to voc rehab orientation today. took 1 1/2 and got apointment that is 2 weeks from now:( then its 60 day from then to find out if i get approved to be in it again, then months to find a job if I do.

one hand its a start on the other when I think about it, it makes me feel sick. Like its impossible .

The problem we have is that past experiences will create a thought pattern that pushes us out of the game mentally. If you look at your strengths you will find that the things you think make you weak are rather insignificant. Our problem though is that our weakness causes emotional turmoil which is an extremely powerful reaction.

I have a very simple thing I found works for me. I am made up of my will, intellect and emotion.

I find knowledge to counter the emotion (bolster your intellect)
Then I engage my will, grounded in the knowledge
What happens is that the two together have enough clout to overpower negative and sometimes unfounded emotional reactions, if you will it to.

You cannot allow the view pint of others to determine your identity. Also, as a christian you need to be careful of what the mainstream christian movement determines is an acceptable identity in Christ (no debates please). We are unique, with a unique purpose and destiny. To allow the treatment of those who have no in depth knowledge of you potential to govern your actions is a travesty. I am not fighting with you, but asking you to try a different perspective.

You will be shocked if you look at the Meyers-Briggs personality test, and then look at the amount of people that share your particular personality. Here are a few that share mine, as illustration.

-Michelle Obama
-CS Lewis
-Rudy Giuliani
-Dan Aykroyd
-Colin Powell
-Donald Rumsfeld
-Hillary Clinton
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
-Richard Gere

There are a lot more, I just highlighted a few, and as you can see, quite a load of politicians. I recall you saying you like politics. Find your strength, believe in it and then find a way to bring peace in the Middle East

Its hard to ignore what others think when i need stuff from them, be it love or jobs. I have self hate already and can fight it but then add what the others say and I'm overwhelmed, then woman after woman keeps adding to it and its just killed my courage to message women and makes me feel like I'm unlovable and worthless.

"Also, as a christian you need to be careful of what the mainstream christian movement determines is an acceptable identity in Christ"
what do you mean by this?

I'm probably not mainstream christian. though i don't know what it's views are. o.O

Mainstream Christian movement tends to place a lot of emphasis on obviously outgoing characteristics of a persons personality, and can be quite judgmental towards introverts, which we essentially are. As I said, you need to become aware of your strengths, not the perceived weaknesses other lay on you. You are better than you feel, stronger, more talented and valuable than you perceive.

Relationships with NT's are generally superficial, but they can go deep. Try to not get too intense too soon, give people a chance to see you in action.

BTW, in the NT world a smile or a friendly is just that, nothing more. Having a girl as a FB friend is just that, nothing more. You cannot get into an analytical debate with yourself over every interaction with people, it will cause you major pain. Learn to say to yourself, "That means nothing". Don't let the "emotionally needy" side of you dictate your expectations. NT's are not intentionally malicious and hurtful, unless they feel challenged or cornered.

God created everyone for a reason, no? By the way, I just gave you the complete answer to your problem.

girls as a FB friend is so weird. o.O I don't get why shes there and to remove her would be rude and probably hurt her feelings.
some are they enjoy being mean. Its a kind of game to them.

I really wish Equilibrium medicine was real.
My strengths are considered weakness by some, and a rare good thing by others. I find it hard to seem them as strengths anymore.

I'm not talented in anything. It really blows, most everyone has at least one talent. be it art, mechanics, math, music, etc. I have nothing. Made worse by the fact people assume all aspie are social awkward but talented.

I am grateful that you talk to me, its nice to have someone to talk to when i'm alone day after day.

But God's plan was for me to die as a baby, doctors interfered. so i'm a glitch, I never had a destiny. there is likely no soul mate for me as I shouldn't have existed. This knowledge is hard to live with day after day. I only hope that my place in heave is still there.

Doctors are too weak to interfere.