By social standards of material wealth I have nothing. Why do I feel so overwhelmed and crowded? Men my age, what surrounds them? I have nor desire any, or at very best less than what I have. At monthly intervals I cleanse my surroundings of clutter. Not selling, nor giving, but mostly just tossing in the bin. I can't imagine anyone who knows me would call me selfish or greedy, but my mind cannot tolerate the thought that by having something that I have owned, someone else might somehow know me, and understand things about me. Why does this so disturb me? The Psych asks if I hear voices inside my head. Well, no, not voices. Not audible, but internal conversations nonetheless. Does not everyone, I ask? Big mind and small mind watching each other and having dialogue? So, when I go out, amongst human beings, then what? Is like every mind is inside my mind. Chaos. Analyzing me from inside. Dissecting me. Inspecting me. Passing judgement. But, it is not real. My rational mind knows. Yet this other one inside me feels violated. Soliloquy? Or insanity? The night devours me and regurgitates. And I feel better. But what trace have I left behind?
24 Feb 2014, 12:46 am
