01 Mar 2014, 10:00 pm
I am 20 years old. My full diagnosis as of yesterday is Schizoaffective Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder or Asperger Syndrome
From the day I was born my parents, my family, knew that something was wrong. I cried constantly for the first 18 months of my life. As a toddler I would laugh and cry to things that no one could see. When I was old enough to talk, I'd talk to hings that were not there. No one could see them but me. I realized that I was different from the other children when I was exactly 6 (Kindergarten). I learned to to read and add and subtract in the 5th grade and learned how to divide and multiply in the 8th. I never had many friends in school. I was always mad fun of. As a child I got violent towards those people. I would physically hurt them. When I was a teenager I attempted suicide twice. In my life thus far I have been hospitalized 3x. I started cutting myself (all over my body) when I was 10. This lasted for 9 years. I saw things, heard things, and felt things, that know one else could or ever can. No one new what was going on, not even me. People were scared for me. But I was scared for them. I didn't want to harm them.
I understand that you are probably upset with what you have, with what you are suffering with. No one knows that kind of suffering better than you. I realize that you would want to give up, stop fighting the urges, end it all. But you cant. whatever the voices are telling you, whatever people are telling you. Don't listen. Since you made it this far, why give up. Something good will happen. Every night before you go to sleep, pick one thing out, during your day, that you are thankful for having. Live for it. If you can't do that, live for the people you love, the things you love. LIVE for YOU. If you can't feel anything, you're numb (like me). FAKE IT until you MAKE IT. You may hate the things that have happened to you, that you may have done. But, eventually you will become so strong that those memories don't hurt you. You have a purpose because you are alive, living this long means that you are a fighter. If something or someone tells you that you can't, and they knock you down. STAND UP and say "WATCH ME". I don't know you. I've never seen you. I've never seen you face to face. But I LOVE YOU. You are IMPORTANT to me. That will never change. Not ever. If people can't love you for you then shouldn't need them. You ARE who you ARE, that should be ENOUGH.
Yes I realize I posted this 2 or 3x. I apologize. I did it decadently 
