social anxiety

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I have the absolute wost anxiety about everything. I wasn't diagnosed with schizoaffective disoder until last yea when I was 19 and now I'm 20 years old and I was just diagnosed with having Autism spectrum disorder(ASD). Ever since I was a toddler I had problems with people. Back then I when I would get upset with someone for whatever reason I would lash out and physically harm them. Because of schizoaffective I would hear voices and see things and feel things touching me that weren't there and so obviously that's why I'd lash out. When I was 10 I started cutting myself and that last for more than 8 or 9 years. Now when people hurt me I feel that I need to hurt myself. I feel like everyone who see's me, they can read my mind and with that, know what has been going on throughout my life. I'm totally scared of being around people I know and people I don't know. I want to meet people but I don't feel like they know the whole thing and know matter how much I try to explain it I can still see that they don't understand. the other thing is I'm very interested in anime/manga (Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Fruits Basket) and I love swinging on the swing set while listening to music because as a child it made the voices stop. The problem is that I'm never sure if people are interested in hearing about me or my life or my interests cause when I try to they always never talk to me again. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like know one will ever love me. It seems like, when I try to meet new people they don't even want to be around me. So . . . I gave up on everything. Finding friends and finding someone who would ever want to date me (let alone merry me I've completely given up on that). That's why I joined this. I'm hoping to meet people that go through what I go through. Even so, I'm still scared that I'll be judged because I always have been judged and rejected and now I don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of at my whits end with it. I didn't really made friends growing up and most of all the dating relationships I've been in always failed, and I can't help but feel like it was always my fault. so I'm sacred . . . of everyone

I'm still a little scared of people today.

However I feel as though people that I see as "neurotypical" have psychological issues, like my comorbidities. You are definitely not alone.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Hopefully you do make the friends you are hoping to find. Remember, there might also be meetup groups in your area with people of like minds and interests.

I always wonder but don't know how to ask:
when you hear voices, what do they say?

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I found this place can be pretty helpful.
I relate to your post some. I have Aspergers as well & as various anxiety issues & LOTs of social problems when I was in school that were partly related to physical & mental things besides Aspergers. I used to lash out at people verbally as a kid without really knowing why but looking back I think some was stress, misinterpretation & being picked on alot. I sometimes thought & occasionally still think I hear voices because my brain misinterprets noises which can be part of Aspergers & I also sometimes feel odd things & think I'm being touched due to my sensory issues which are related to Aspergers too. I fell into a bad depression when I was 20 that turned psychotic & I was pretty anxious & a tad paranoid. My psych report mentioned a lot of the symptoms of schizoaffective but I had lots of other labels instead of that but I didn't have Aspergers diagnosed thou I'm pretty sure I have it. I'm over things now but I take Buspar for anxiety & Neurontin for OCD. Looking back & analyzing things I think my anxiety & OCD caused me to screw up the 1st relationship I had which majorly triggered my depression & I think the over-analyzing due to OCD & feeling anxious helped contribute to the paranoia & psychosis.
Your welcome to PM me if you'd like.