I first contemplated suicide when... (NSFW)

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This thread is for posters who want to explain why they feel like killing themselves.

I have had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, mostly because I've felt like I couldn't do anything productive properly. Back when I was just ten years old, I thought about running away from home, but I was too afraid and I did not know where to go. So, for several weeks, I prayed to G-d that He would erase my existence. I eventually grew out of that phase and started thinking about killing myself when I was thirteen years old.

Feel free to offer tips on how to get through life when life gets too tough.

I first "wished I was dead" when I was 5, but mainly because I wasn't aware that actively ending one's own life was possible. I guess that says a lot about how happy my life was (sarcasm). Then I discovered religion/the Bible around age 8 or 9, so I started praying to god to take my life; I'm still around, aren't I? By age 13, I started making rudimentary plans to carry it out, and somewhere along the line, became smart enough to never discuss suicidal feelings with adults in my life. So now, as an adult, while I don't feel suicidal ideation whatsoever at the moment, I have no desire to prolong my life more than necessary. I'd rather live to be 60 than 100. So I smoke, drink, eat unhealthy, and mostly ignore body illnesses (moles, etc) if they're not painful.

I wish I give you some useful ideas on how to get through tough times, but for the past 10 years, my methods were tobacco and alcohol.

Because I have no future and I've pissed away more opportunities than a lot of people will ever get in their lives.

- First time I considered "To be, or not to be" was probably when I was a teenager.

- I have pissed away opportunities too. Jeez. Like being too chicken to going to Stanford University for graduate school. I remember overhearing my mom saying I was a 'homebody' to someone else. At least now, after 50 years of living, I know why I am that way.

- Aspie1, Illinois Central is my favorite railroad. Matter of fact, I am 'illinoiscentral' on ebay. Don't sell or buy much there any more, seems like eBay no longer wants small timers.

Hmmm, looks I am missing the key question, why would I consider it, and I will decline that.

I contemplated it whenever I forgot what I could go back to - a working life full of studies and exploration. The more you think about this, the harder you become to kill anyway, so the effort may as well be saved to do neat stuff and sooner or later go out in style.

I think everyone in this thread should buy a Porsche

This.

What always puts me off is how my family might respond - I still have younger siblings that look up to me, and I don't like the idea of some poor bugger having to deal with my cadaver.
So I take an overdose. My little sister would probably find me.
So I fancy jumping off a building or off a bridge. Some poor sod has to get a mop or fish me out of a river.

Dealing with dead people isn't nice. No matter how I might do it, it would ruin somebody's day completely and possibly traumatise them. I don't want that to me my final act, that seems spiteful and very selfish to me.

I still have suicidal thoughts every day. No amount of rationalising can stop you wanting to give up.

Good points, also my biggest problem is just my mood, it's not an actual thing that I deal with...All mental/emotional.

I try not to think too much. It triggers me off.

Well sometimes I feel really useless, unwanted and like people would be better off if they didn't have to deal with my existence. Aside from that sometimes the pain is just too much and I want it to end, this can come from anxiety as well as depression. Sometimes I get so anxious I am tempted to harm myself in some way just to make it stop(not that it would) but yeah it gets pretty bad.

I also sometimes get rather impulsive...like someone might say something that really sets me off and then maybe I throw something....not proud of it but sometimes its the point where I have to hit or throw something to keep from exploding entirely and maybe hurting someone...I really hate it but it would be useless to deny it happens.

So yeah feelings of being very overwhelmed or being beat down by depression tends to make me suicidal at times....my 'safety plan' so to speak involves getting to an ER i get suicidal so yeah it is a serious issue...but I just have to take it a day at a time...if I can't make it through a day then I get myself immediate help but sometimes it passes and I am ok for a while longer. But yeah I have a feeling my last trip to the psych ward, wont be my last trip to the psych ward...the suicidal crap is pretty much an ongoing struggle.

I don't feel like it nowadays because my life is alot better than it used to be & I have a girlfriend to focus on but I used to think about it a lot. I thought about it as a kid but I probably was too young mentally to really comprehend it. I started thinking about it abit after I graduated high-school & was feeling frustrated about my place in life, my parents on my back about not having a job despite the fact I have physical & mental disabilities besides my Aspergers & I was putting in apps at any place I thought I might could do a job at. I was also lonely & frustrated with how I didn't have offline friends to do anything with or talk to. I got in my 1st relationship with a girl I met on a forum & when things fell apart I fell into a bad psychotic depression & started thinking of killing myself more. The method I had thought of was electrocuting my brain by putting wires on my head & putting the other ends in my computer's power supply. I thought my brain was really f#cked up & I needed something like electroshock to straighten it out if it wouldn't kill me & I liked the idea that it would kill me if it wouldn't help. I was sort of obsessed with the idea thanx to OCD.

My "plan", if you can even call it that, is to just drive about a half hour away into the suburban woods and do it there. That I don't screw over the people in charge at my apartment complex by killing myself in their unit, and if an animal finds me in the woods there might not even be a body to deal with.

When I was in 5th grade and some "friends" offered to give a note to this 7th grade boy I liked, who was popular. The note told him I liked him. Then they sent one back to me saying he liked me, and when i figured it out they drug me up the hall to where he was standing, laughing at me, in front of about 1/4 of the school, who were all laughing at me and yelling mean things. I was crying and begging and kicking and yelling, and they finally got tired of holding me there while he made fun of me and just sat me down in the middle of the hall and left. I went home and wished I was dead and tried to think of ways to do it but I was scared to actually go through with it. Thats the first time i ever considered it, but far from the last.

I first contemplated suicide when I was around 9 years old. I can't remember the details now except I had lots of difficulty fitting in to school and with with the other kids. School back in the 1960's definitely wasn't aspie friendly. The condition was unknown back in those days. As far as everyone was concerned I was just a weird, troubled kid who got into lots of fights and had no friends.

Next occasion was when I was around 13 years old. Similar problems and everything seemed so damn pointless and futile. I made a noose and headed off into nearby woods to hang myself. Climbed a tree, fastened the rope to a branch, put the noose around my neck and lowered myself off the branch, hanging on only by my hands... all I needed to do was let go and it would have been all over. For some reason I couldn't take that final step and eventually clambered back onto the branch and went back home like nothing had ever happened. Never told anyone.

Next occasion I was around 18. Bought a load of aspirins to overdose myself (don't even know if they'd be fatal or not) but only took a few and then lost the urge to continue. Again, told nobody.

Next occasion when I was a student aged around 20 - I walked through fast moving traffic late one night hoping someone would run me down but the cars just swerved to avoid hitting me and tooted their horns or shouted obscenities at me. Again I told nobody - I never knew who to talk to anyway.

Next very serious attempt was around 12 years ago. Life seemed so futile. I was working two jobs. My income was good but life just didn't seem worth living. I lived with depression for a long time then took a whole load of different pills (enough to kill a horse) and washed them down with a bottle of whisky; this was in a deserted location in the countryside where nobody would ever find me. I woke up the following day. I'd been sick and vomited the lot all over my clothes. I had hypothermia and ended up in hospital briefly. I had to see the hospital shrink who asked me why I'd attempted suicide and I simply explained that life had become so miserable and I was so unhappy that I didn't want to carry on. I simply wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. He patiently listened and said nothing useful (can't even remember what he said now) then I was released from hospital.

It is inevitable that one day I will die at my own hands. Likely with a strong rope and hang myself with what's called the "long drop" with a proper 8 loop noose - it is pretty much guaranteed to be fatal instantly with little or no pain. I'm now aged 53 and can't find work. Nobody wants to employ people when they are over 50 with medical problems when there are lots of unemployed younger people to fill the vacancies. I live in poverty with my wife who receives a very small state pension. She has a health condition that will likely eventually kill her and at that point the taxman will hit me with death duty taxes that I have no means of paying which would force me to sell our home and live on the streets; so I either starve to death on the streets, unable to pay for food or my diabetes and heart medication or take my own life. I am reconciled to the latter. Upon the death of my wife I will hang myself and be done with the whole miserable lot called life.

I ran away from home from my earliest memories. Of course I had nowhere to go, so I'd hide in the bush for as long as I could until hunger and mosquitoes drove me back home.

I attempted suicide around 27. I had suffered 4 years of depressions and couldn't endure it any longer.

Over the years I've often asked God to let me die. Even today I would be quite happy to simply die. I'm tired of struggling, my endurance needs a break.

I only have one clear memory

my mum was dating this guy

and I had just finished high school

there was nothing
in my future

this guy lived on a cliff
I climbed out on a limb above
and I tried to let go

purely out of pure fear, I couldn't


25 years later
I have neices and nephehs that

When I was 15 and I started to really understand what Asperger's (and, bipolar, mind you) was, why it makes me who I am, why I was struggling to fit in so much, both in the past and present, and I didn't see any possible way I could lead a happy and successful life, financially, socially and emotionally.

23 now. Over came most of it, still am not a model of happiness, but I'm successful. Somehow.