why don't I do it

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I don't know why. instinct to live, silly hopes of love. while my logic knows i and others would be better off with me doing it.
I'm really worthless. I don't see a future where some woman will love me, yet the stupid hope of it drives me forward into more pain.
only future i see is in 9 years I kill myself, so I must wonder why not do it now, why live 9 more years of worthlessness, wasting others money and time. Part of me doesn't want to die, fears it. But i know after 9 more years of lonely worthlessness I won't care about it anyone. so i sit and wait while also fearing the day that i won't have anything to stop me from ending it.

I don't allow happiness that comes from interacting with women. Its just a lie. my mind tries to play tricks on me . trick me into thinking a woman could like me, the end result is always they stop talking to me. So I stop myself from smiling and feeling happy thoughts.

there is more to life than romantic relationships. much satisfaction can be gained through work. if you can't work, volunteer. I used to read the newspaper to a recording that blind folks could call to get their news and teach English one on one to people from other countries. or you could help out an animal shelter. if you can't volunteer, get some hobbies - something you enjoy.

if you can't enjoy anything, perhaps you are depressed and should seek medical help.

p.s. I got married the first (and last, I hope) time at age 52. it is my husband's first marriage, too. he was 58. picking age 35 as an arbitrary deadline isn't fair to yourself.

no one is worthless. sometimes it's easy to feel that way, but feelings are not facts. fact is that all human beings have equal worth to each other.

Just going on what you have written here, coupled with my own experience of similar nature, it seems like maybe you are so frightened by the possibility of a relationship with a female that you subconsciously do or say things to drive women away from you so that you don't have to experience the failure you anticipate. Or maybe your subconscious mind rationalizes with itself that it is better to driuve women away from you than to subject them to the hell that you anticipate a relationship with you would manifest upon them

Or maybe I am just projecting my own emotions. I dunno. Your fears are so familiar to me.

The main barrier to those things are money, while in general volunteering is free, it cost money to get there. This is why it seems most people who volunteer have jobs.

For me romantic relation ship is very important. My life goal is to have a family. I also require and crave to be touched and held. I also have a big need to express my romantic and love. I think romance a lot and I have tons of love.

were you his first relationship?
I've had none. I hardly expect to be married by 35, but to never had a gf is too much. I didn't have a date until I was 25. at 40 it'd bee too late for me to have a family unless I one of those creepy guys who dates a lady who is 20 years younger.

I've been told I'm worthless. And feel it each time I get rejected by a woman, usually 2-5 times in two weeks. I'm to the point I don't message women. so I'm now being rejected by women who seek me out.

too depressed to eat or drink and I was already slightly dehydrated from yesterday.

If i had a job, and friends, Perhaps I could handle not having a gf, but not having all 3 is awful. then add on the huge debt I have.

no I deeply want a woman and love commitment. and women I met enjoy time with me. I get rejected from my ugly face and lack of job. If they do message me usually the first thing they ask is, what do you do for work? I answer honestly and never hear from them again. Being a cashier isn't bad apparently. I don't even say its seasonal.

I actually think I'm quite a catch, personality and fun wise. I get down about my face and now not having a great job. I really hadn't thought that having a job would be that important to finding someone who will love you.

why do you feel you would subject them to hell?

women can have children in their thirties.

sending you a virtual hug.

true, though women in their 30s are far less interested in me then women in their 20s. 30s women are successful, they want a successful guy to start a family with. or have kids and want a successful guy to match them. My 30s are going be far worse dating wish then my 20s have been I know this and it depresses me a lot. even the late 20's women are like this. the 18-24 year olds are more open and accepting about low paying /no jobs. at least in my area. not to say their isn't a bunch of 21 year olds with 1-3 kids or who own their own business.

hugs. I wish I had a lady friend to hug in rl. I haven't been touched in 5 months now so I hug blankets and stuffies but its not the same.

do they allow pets where you live?

my family has 3 cats, 3 dogs, and 3 guinea pigs. I kinda Have a cat. but he doesn't cuddle. Most cats don't like to , we had one who would let me cuddle her, but she passed last month before my birthday.

I've thought about getting fish again, but its expensive and cant cuddle them

Sly279, In case it may be of value for you to know, I am female and I have never been attracted to faces. What I have personally, always been drawn to in a man, is his good and loving heart, and the way he thinks/the way his mind works. The face holds little significance to me, in comparison to the heart and mind of a man. I have never noticed the beauty in a face, until after I have gotten to know the man, for what he is on the inside. I hope you will believe me and take this into consideration. You still have time, as hard as it has been for you. You will find love...

I can believe that. I feel in love with a lady haven't never seen her face, though its rare to do that. how do you manage in a world where the first thing you see is the face, be it dating site or seeing in public?

heart and mind(do you mean smart?) is what I have tons of. I am too caring for my own good. I'm not book smart as evident by my poor grammar. I'm not stupid either. I'm quite smart actually just in different ways and subjects. for me Personality has a huge play in attractiveness. I love a playful woman. someone who is a kid at heart, it just has a way of breaking thru all my barriers and making me smile and laugh. I love tickle fights and pouncing each other, building forts. even though we never met and it didn't work out, she built up my confidence(even if it was destroyed over the past year) and showed me what i want in a woman.
be it luck or as I see it a curse, I find most women attractive. It amazes me at the number of gorgeous women. I don't mean super models, but like 95% of women are just beautiful. Which means I stand no chance with them
I don't get why some guys say they ugly. o.O

I don't know I think my friend is right,that i can't be loved. wish there were more like you.

and yeah knowing you're a woman, oddly even though I feel hurt by women, I still tend to feel safer with women. i've always been able to feel more comfortable and emotional open with women. vs men I have to hid it in shame. This can lead to those women saying I lack confidence though, but its only cause they aren't relationship potentials . I don't go opening up to women I want to date. I didn't tell the lady i loved for a year about my disorders or fears. I told her i missed her when she went on business trips. I don't know if i get a gf that i'll ever tell her I have disorders, though I guess it will come up due to being on ssi.

Sly, I am not sure what part of the world you are in, and I will need to scroll through your thread, again, as I only recall you mentioning dating sites as a source for finding love. I am going on a hike with a group of singles. I have not been, yet. It is a group that meets on a weekly basis, and I love to hike, therefore, it is a great way for me to possibly meet someone, or, possibly even make some new friends. My point is, it would be great if you made a list of activities you enjoy doing, and then look to see if perhaps there are groups who get together to engage in those activities, or, if there is a local community college or other venues that offer classes, in your area that you might consider taking. My cousin decided to take a woodworking class at a rec center in his neighborhood, and met his wife in the class. They have been married for 25 years. You never know where you might meet the person that could become your girlfriend or, perhaps, even your wife. I personally have never used a dating site, so I am not familiar with them, or the success stats, or what have you, but I would thing that there must be single people who are meeting others, outside of dating sites. I wish you all the best and much success...! Perhaps, we will eventually have notes to compare and good news to share with one another... Onward...!

sadly no groups like that, not even speed dating or church single groups. I hear about these things but never in my city
I hope you have fun on the hiking outing. how did you learn about it?o.O

people here seem to keep to themselves a lot, groups exist yes, but they don't seem to try to attract new members aside from friends of friends.
the major road block I come to is money. my activities are expensive and male dominated. arisoft($100 per event, 30-100 guys) and shooting guns ($50-100 2-5 guys) video games is a sit in your room alone playing with strangers, people don't even chat on there anymore.

our college has geared its self towards transfer school. I went there for 4 years, every girl i met was married. though I can't approach women so I can't say it was a high number. this is why i do dating sites, when in a room with a strange girl I just freeze up and stay quiet. too many variables, it so scary. talk to the wrong girl and next thing you know her bf kills you. since women don't walk around with a relationship status, it just adds to my anxiety. I think women in a relationship should wear a ring, then you have the single ones who wear a ring on their wedding finger. o.O
even just typing that makes me anxious about it.

safe to say i'll never meet a lady out and about. it has to be in a setting where I know shes single. one dating site has events but i can't dance and the completion is way better then me, i'll just end up sitting in a corner alone :'(

i'm not good enough anyways. no woman wants to day a seasonal cashier who makes only min wage. then ad that i'm ugly.

all I want is to please a woman and make her happy. Its my goal in life besides a family.

If I were able to get a picture of my face on this site, and your feasted your eyeballs on it, you would feel 10000 times better about your face.

Seriously. I am not kidding when I say that women grab their children and purses and back away when they see me. Women in parks stand between me and their children as if I am going to grab all the toddlers, throw them on the back of my little 49cc moped and drag them off into the basement to bbq their little asses for dinner. Women in workplaces have accused me of creating a threatening and violent work environment only because of my looks. I don't socialize when I work. I don't argue, I don't threaten, I don't intimidate, I don't raise my voice. I just work, quietly without saying as much as hello. Everyday, all day. Never late, never absent, like a soldier ant, but I look like a monster.

I am aware that my perceptions and the character traits that attract me to a man are not typical of the female gender, and I will say that I have been questioned by some of my female counterparts, as to the nature of my choices/what draws me to a man. I have been without love in my life for quite some time, due to the fact that the type of men who approach me, or I encounter, do not possess what I desire. I would guess, however, they would be considered by others to be attractive, but those particular women don't have the same taste in men, as my own. I never have men who I would consider attractive, approach me. I,too, wish to have someone fun and kind and interesting and loving, and who has some, or even one of the same special interests as my own, if possible. I don't have a desire to spend my life with what might be considered by other woman to be a nice face. You see, perhaps you are not approaching the right women. Please take that statement as an idea to contemplate, as opposed to an accusation, because I don't know how you have been going about meeting, or approaching women. There are probably other women on the planet, besides myself, who do not care about the superficial aspects, but rather the type of character traits/person he is, the things that will contribute to the making of a beautiful relationship. Forgive me for going on. I get caught up in the moment and neglect to stop. Much love to both of you...

Edit: To cathylynn, I love to read your story! I had first come across it, in another thread. I am very happy for you and your husband! I was once married, briefly, and I am, now, ready to find love, again. I too, am 52 years old. Who knows... life is full of surprises...

Its complicated. Very difficult to approach a woman when I can barely speak. Almost every relationship I have had with a woman in my life has been the result of me being the one approached to begin with and all but one of them ended with me being used, humiliated and emotionally destroyed because I am more emotionally oriented than I am physically oriented. I am more searching for an emotional relationship and am very needy on that level. Women are not typically attracted to "clingy" men. Emotional men are viewed as "weak" and easily taken advantage of. I am very used to being the "friend" but I don't think I have ever experienced the emotional love of a woman. Women seem to develop the emotional attachment after the sexual. Affection without the need for sex chases women away. Women need to feel desired. I can understand that. I cannot offer that to a woman, so rather than put a woman through that hell I have to suffer my own hell.

Thank you for providing the opportunity to express that to someone.