Improving myself doesn't seem to be working.
Bi-polar disorder began to surface into extremes around two years ago, ever since then I've been working on trying to make myself a better human being. But, at least by the standards of others, improving myself doesn't seem to be making me any happier. What's the point when I got no one to share my improvements with? Working out, being smarter, nicer to people, talking to people, and even getting a few girl's phone numbers, they just don't make me feel better on the inside. I wish I could be more specific, but that's just the way it is. The gradual steps that should be leafing me up in life feel like they are actually bringing me down. It's been almost two years since I decided to get an early start on the things that have been bothering me in life, but nothing's changed, nothing but the way I talk to, and treat others. I'm still a loser with no job, failing college, playing way to many video games, jerking off every day, and has never got the guts to tell another woman, cept my own momma, "I love you." I'm still goin' though, I'm still trying to work on myself, trying to make myself a good decent citizen, but f**k myself. That seems so selfish that I should put so much dedication, time, and effort, into one person who just turns out to be me. Why can't there be someone in my life who can work with my problems, and I can work with there's to. I want to work through my problems, but not alone. A lot of the time I think "what was wrong with me to begin with?" I didn't feel like there was any problem with me until people started saying there was. No treatment has ever worked; anti-depressants, exercise, and meditation have all felt like placebos for reveling stress. It's getting late now, and I got class (the one I'm failing) tomorrow.
There's nothing selfish about trying to improve yourself, it's something you need to do for yourself before anyone else. After all, no one else can do it for you.
I wish I could say that it gets easier, that feeling like this becomes less frequent or less intense, but if that were the case there wouldn't be so many long-term members of this site - a site that was set up so we don't have to work through it all alone.
Keep doing what you're doing, you admit yourself that improvements have been made even if you're still as frustrated as ever, but being any less than the best person you can be would only hinder your progress.
Give doctornerdlove.com a read, browse through the archives for a topic that you think fits your goals, I've found it to be a big source of inspiration and ideas that I hadn't considered before and maybe it will do the same for you.
The only thing I could add to that is to differentiate between improving for others or for yourself. Continual living up to others' standards can get very bleak. Maybe it's time to throw in something for yourself, maybe something you dropped because it wasn't mainstream or appropriate - something you're doing because you like it, not for approval.
I wish I could say that it gets easier, that feeling like this becomes less frequent or less intense, but if that were the case there wouldn't be so many long-term members of this site - a site that was set up so we don't have to work through it all alone.
Keep doing what you're doing, you admit yourself that improvements have been made even if you're still as frustrated as ever, but being any less than the best person you can be would only hinder your progress.
Give doctornerdlove.com a read, browse through the archives for a topic that you think fits your goals, I've found it to be a big source of inspiration and ideas that I hadn't considered before and maybe it will do the same for you.
Thanks, that made me feel a lot better.
I try not to live up to, or even care about, the standards of others. Everything I write, I write it to entertain myself and pretty much no one else. The only thing I ever dropped was when I was about 10 years old and I wanted to go into message therapy, I stopped because I got picked on for it in school. Now that society is becoming more loose I may try this venture again.
I think your problem is that you dont accept yourself.
I spent years not taking care of myself because i thought i needed a relationship to be happy. Periodically i would try to improve my life but it always fell apart because i saw no point in it.
Then when i met someone i thought was worthwhile i suddenly had all the things i was capable of doing and i was doing them. The things id practised when id occasionally tried to sort my life came together.
Then things didnt work out and afterwards i thought, you know what, im not going back to how i was.
I think it's called self respect.
You need to sort yourself out but not for the sake of someone else. Do it for yourself.
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