This just turned out to be rambling TLDR

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27 years today. 27 long years of being this man's surrogate mother who he rebels against the advice of because he can't rebel against his own mother. 27 years of constantly wondering what he's done now that I'm going to have to find out about later and fix. 27 years of things going good then living hand to mouth. 27 years of waiting for him to grow up. 27 years of having my every suggestion seemed to be considered and followed at first but not really, then later on just flat out scorned (Of course I can see through the iced up window! CRASH!) (I'll go today to that interview, then spending the day on the couch watching Netflix). 27 years of being his Goddamned mother instead of his wife and not even getting kissed because all his life his mother reminded him to brush his teeth and when he moved out he hasn't brushed them since but maybe twice a year and that's just f*****g gross. Not getting kissed in 27 years really. Think about it. But having sex, so he can get off. Well, I got four kids out of that, I've forgot about kissing now anyway.

27 years of being told "I'll take care of it" over and over and then the hammer falling and finding out he's done nothing to take care of s**t or told me, so I could, because I do have that ability. 27 years of not only being some sort of wierd parent figure to him but also being the man in the family and wearing the pants, because when I give them to him to wear, he just takes them off, drops them on the floor, lays on the couch under a blanket and watches TV and does nothing. He's not strong enough to be the man. Oh, now don't get me wrong here. When something heavy needs to be done, I can keep on at him long enough that he does it. He's physically strong as hell. He's a goddamned ox when he needs to be one. When he's with his buddies, and other guys, it's all alpha male s**t. But, get us home alone at night, and guess who the alpha male is? I have to not only take on the role of alpha female to our little "pack" here, as any mom does, but also the alpha male role as well.

27 motherf****ng goddamned years of waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what he's lying about, hiding, trying to cover up, get away with, not do, etc. Now, I'm no slave driver b***h ok? This past weekend I had one request for him. One request. DH, please take the Christmas decorations off the porch (It's the end of march now) and out of the laundry room and put them in the attic. Also please go pick up my dead friends vodka bottles from the back yard where the dogs strewed them out all over when I brought that box over when her garage was on fire (going INTO the burning garage to get the f*****g box of vodka empties so her family wouldn't see them and putting them on my deck, where my dogs had a field day) because it hurts me just too much to see those bottles with her brand on them. There's about 67 empty pints all over my back yard, some chewed up and all, but it hurts me to see that bottle with her brand on it. She had problems, I know. He will do it here in one minute. No problem! No problem at all! Hang on, as soon as this is over I'll do it. I'm about to. I'm fixing to. I gotta go to the store, let me cook dinner, you go lay down, I'll get all that tomorrow, I promise, I do. The s**t is STILL THERE and it's FRIDAY again. I asked last weekend.

He got fired in the middle of Feb. Every day I've said go fill out those forms at the staffing place and get back to work. "I will". He hasn't. I even called the owner of the company that he will be working for through the staffing place and put him on the phone with him. Twice. He didn't do s**t. Then totaled the van because he was going to prove to me he could drive with his head out the window and no windshield visablility just as well as if he could see, because I "go overboard with fear". HELLO! The windshield is fogged over, turn on the f*****g wipers and wipe off the inside. "SHUTUP! I CAN SEE!" CRASH! No vehicle.

I'll be 50 next month. I'm too old to find somebody else. Too old to start a new life. In a small town, stuck with no way out, no money and no options. And the worst goddamned part about this is I still love the stupid SOB. I just want him to grow up and be a man. I want to depend on him for certain things. If I could go out and earn the money I would. I have before during our marriage, but while I was working full time, he just laid around and watched the baby and I came home and did everything else. He's not bad, he's not. If he was, it would be so easy for me. I WISH he was bad.

He's tried getting physical before, but it just didn't work. That was around 200-2002. I've been in an abusive relationship before and if he had actually managed to pull that s**t off, I would have taken the kids and been gone so fast it wasn't funny. But he got his ass kicked every single time, so that's not fair to leave over that. He doesn't dare try that anymore. He's afraid of confrontation with me, he's got something to prove to god knows who, that he doesn't have to do the things his parents taught him to do, and who suffers for this? Me now. I wish I had been able to see the outcome of all this when I was younger. I could have taken the kids and gone and started over. Yes, I'm one of those girls that need a man in my life, but I could have found one then.

And before somebody starts in with the "you're lazy, support yourself" bs, I would if I lived somewhere that I could get a job. Also, what kids would I take with me now? Oldest is here and there sometimes, he's 24. 20 yo lives with her fiance in their apt in the garage and they are in school and have a nice life. Younger son is 19 in 9 days and has a gf and about to be getting a good job at the mill, so he will be set. Youngest daughter is 17, 18 in August and she is the only one keeping me here right now. She needs me. She's in the same class with my suicide friends daughter, same age and all. I will NOT do to her what my dumbass friend did to her daughter. I've also been giving that a lot of thought. Not suicide, but her suicide, specifically.

S was impulsive and literally crazier than I am. She got i some s**t the night before, as in serious s**t, and then without thinking about it very much, blew her brains out. We have both talked about, contemplated, and attempted suicide before. But not that stupid ass kind. She was still drunk from the night before, coming down from pills, drank the rest of her booze then I know her so well I know she thought "This will show them" and shot herself. I'm no longer guilty over that, because I remember back to some of the crazy, stupid ass situations she's got me into without THINKING IT THROUGH FIRST and now realize that she didn't want to die, she just wanted to commit suicide. She didn't think it out. She was drunk and this is the stupidest s**t she has ever done. I will NOT ruin my kids lives just for some stupid ass point I'm trying to make to one person, which once I make it, I can't hang around and enjoy them finally understanding that I was right. Hers was not a despair suicide. Trust me. We have both talked and talked about doing it before, and both of us had the same reasons. She just picked the stupidest way possible because there was no way it could have not worked, and there was no way that it could have been resolved to show her family how serious she meant it and what they were doing to her. Yes, it sounds manipulative, and sometimes attempts are. Especially with middle aged housewives who nobody listens to no matter what they say. D didn't bring her the adderall that rehab took her off of. Yes she had the coming off speed the dr had her on for ten years depression. Yes D was trying to get her to leave her husband for him, but she told me no way in hell, he's a druggie who lives with his mother even though she dated him in high school. He just gave her that little bit of attention that is needed after all these long years of marriage (think Ole Boy in my case) It was a dick move and I'm sure that where the f**k ever she is now, she's all regretting it and contrite and s**t but that don't help her little girl. I'm not doing that to my little girl. Ever. Plus, to be honest, as much as I want to kill myself sometimes, I really just want to do it Highlander style. Where I come back in 30 minutes and people see what they did to cause it. Thats all she wanted too. However, if you put a 38 revolver in your mouth and pull the trigger, ain't no coming back from that. Ain't even no open casket. You are bagged in the closed casket with your clothes laid on top of the bags, and it's rubber seal because it's injected embalming because nobody is spending forever repairing all that for a closed casket funeral.

I'm rambling, I know. If you are still with me, thank you. You have the patience of Job.

A, my best friend ever now, is shooting smack. Her skinhead bf got her into that. I so want to do things to him that I will not post here. Weekly I get from her "Oh God, I OD'd again! No, I didn't have to go to the hospital, they kept me up and all, but I've got to quit". I tell her come stay here. She said He won't let me. I told her ain't no LET YOU to it. Let him bring his skanky ass over here. Me and my boys and younger daughter will go out there and handle that little piece of s**t, but no, she "loves"him. I told her, if she dies, he's mine and he won't like the way he ends up found. I can't take losing another friend. She came over last week looking like hell. Dopesick and all. Had her PO visit coming up Friday. She couldn't even work Thursday she was so sick because she might have to pass a drug test there. She got her some, took it with her to the visit, passed the test and then did it as soon as she was done and felt better. Dopesick is bad. Trust me, it is. It's been years and years and back to my teenage years, but it's bad. She at least listens to advice. I honestly think she is the only person outside my family that truly loves me. And I truly love her. She has this theory that we are "friend soulmates". She believes in reincarnation and says that we have been together life after life. She's got something there though. I first met her on FB when my younger daughter worked at my oldest son's ex gf's brother's haunted house with her in 08, the year of the tornado. Well wait, that was 07 they worked there. My daughter was the Evil Goth Vampire on the swing and A was Living Dead Girl, but they were right next to each other. She gave my daughter a ride home every night and friended her on FB, and I commented on some things, because everybody is FB friends here, so she friended me on FB and we talked on the phone and s**t for months from Oct to April when I found out DH had lost his job ON MY BIRTHDAY for laying out drunk, so she said "Mighty Mouse is ON HER WAY!" and she came and got me. First time seeing her face to face, but it was like we KNEW each other. She came in and said "you're staying at my house for a few days" cause I had posted "I'm going nuts if I don't get out of here" I said "You like to play dress up?" she said OH GOD YES! So, we selected from my closet some formal wear, jewelry, furs, etc and went to her house. We dressed up, sat in her living room in ball gowns, drank vodka and we had the "big bowl o' pills" which were xanax, ambien, lortab, and some s**t she threw in" and we were both in a crisis so we both just took whatever, and we had a great time. Bonding.

Then, when she quit crystal meth, I was the only friend who stuck by her. I do not like crystal meth. Most of her friends did. It's harsh. no. Our friendship was based on EACH OTHER, not drugs. (this is A I'm talking about, not S, the suicide girl, remember?) Long story short, she's now living with skinhead C, doing heroin. Today she came over for lunch and looked wonderful. I could tell it by looking though, and if you don't know the look you would never be able to tell, but I told her, you did a shot this morning didn't you. She did. Heroin. She keeps saying "We are gonna quit". Being me, and the way I am, I told her that she ain't gonna quit till her heart does. She can't stay with C and his two brothers at his mothers when C and his two brothers are smack junkies and she's got a needle fetish and already ON IT, not even chipping. She's been semisick a few times already. I'm hoping that maybe the first time she gets REALLY DOPESICK she calls me, lets me come get her and get her through it and lets my boys beat the f**k out of him and tell him to stay away from her and lets me introduce her to this really nice photographer I know that is her age who I have my eye on for her.

Jesus, I have rambled for so long.

TLDR I'm stressed out, marriage sucks, worried over my friend, worried over money, wish my husband was my man and not like my child even though he is an alpha male, and suicide is not an option for me anymore goddammit.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

So sorry about the things you're going through. Maybe a little time alone could help. Away from all of these people?

50 is not too late. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well.