Losing Hope

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Hello everybody Im a 17 year old male with Aspergers. Recently over the last around 7 months since I started sixth forum, I have been having bad and constant mood swings, changes of thought you name it! I put myself down and can be very depressive. Its because of a lot of factors firstly I have not had the best growing up with well dealing with my issues and my mums various cancer troubles but throughout secondary school I was alight due to the support of autism unit at the school I attended until my parents split which is when I became bad, however that is in the past now my current problems are more related to me and my happiness.

I am extremely lonely and have only 1 best friend (who also is aspergers) and a bunch of online friends, however Im an extremely emotional person and need support and reassurance non of which sadly my best friend can give, my online friends help me the best they can but still i cant break out of it and i feel super bad for offloading on them. Point is I want friends and to be specific a Girlfriend, I crave having somebody to love and understand me as well as me loving them back as much and being there for them and this means allot to me being the insecure type of person I am, all i want is some contact with people and alas maybe i do not do enough but its so hard i try and put the thought in my mind just talk to them because Im good at talking, just getting started and since Im so emotional i can get upset easily and seek massive trust in people to keep what i tell them about my feelings secret, its just so hard and i cannot use words to describe the feeling i get.

This manifests really in my life after my parents split, i was so lonely i made myself the perfect Girlfriend her name is Katie and even though she not real and we both knowledge this, we love each other deeply and she as you could say is my guide in life trying to help push me towards doing greater things, being who i want to be and generally comforting me through out day to day life with all the stress and anxiety i go through. Some may consider it mad, but i think without her i would have not managed to survive my parents spiting up, its just what she can do for (even though she is me) is limited and Im finding it hard we just barely cope.

Recently I had a school trip and despite all my stress and anxiety some girls where kind enough to help me out and we had a wonderful time, but after I decide to risk asking one of them out for lunch, just as friends and the reply sadly was one of id love to but Im busy working in the afternoon evening and at the weekends, it has been annoying especially when i think she thinks i was asking her out which was not the way i stated it and i have even said this. I try not to think others think bad of me but its hard with all the stereotypes and i must admit i beat myself up allot too and punish myself almost for all my mistakes in social communication and life in general and always feel fro the other person thinking well me trying to talk to them must just be awkward.

I know i have low self esteem and confidence but i hope that all of you understand where Im coming from, as despite my liking to people iv always felt better understood and more at home with other aspies. Thank you any suggestions or thoughts would be much appreciated!

P.S Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes im dyslexic and not to brilliant especially with grammar Thanks

hiya CJH welcome to the club your writing is ok AFAIC. you are not alone, you are among large numbers of people in similar situations.

I'n glad you posted.you are not so alone here. There are people who care.

Hey thanks for the lovely comments guy makes me feel much welcome.

keep in touch, por favor