For several years now, I've physically assaulted myself whenever I felt that I did something poorly. At first, it wasn’t so severe, but now I might strangle myself just for screwing up on something minor. The one time I didn't start smacking myself around when I was in a foul mood, I took out my aggression on my laptop and nearly broke it. I'm afraid that if I try to bottle up my anger, I might start breaking other things or physically assaulting other people.
I'm currently studying for an exam that will allow me to teach mathematics at local schools. One of my biggest problems is that I'm only decent in the material, not perfect. I think that when I do something wrong, it can only mean that there is something seriously wrong with me. I don't care if I can just do more practice problems or take the test again if I don’t do well enough; successes don’t permanently erase previous failures or ensure an error-free future. When I make mistakes, I usually try to understand what exactly I did wrong and how I can avoid making mistakes later on, but it doesn't do me any good, because I keep screwing up, sometimes in different ways than before. I can't help but feel that failing is worse than not trying at all. Sure, by mistaking a mistake, I can say that I at least tried to do something, but I feel that I can never live down the fact that I’m not perfect, especially because I have terrible parents.
I'm not completely sure how this behavior started, but I feel it might have to do with how my parents enjoyed putting down their children, especially when we didn't do something properly in our parents' eyes. Whenever my siblings or I did something that my parents do not approve, they usually verbally harassed us. At best, they sounded bitterly jovial when delivering their sarcastic comments; at worst, they just sounded bitter.
Whenever my parents noticed me acting out, even at home, they didn't ask me what was wrong; they just told me to knock it off. It's like they followed the Japanese proverb, "The nail that stands out gets pounded down," despite not being Japanese. My parents haven't even tried to help me with my problems; if anything, they've just made things worse.
The worst part was that I don't think my parents ever apologized for their behavior, because they never thought they did anything wrong. Sure, I've heard them say that nobody is perfect, but if I ever tried spewing that garbage when I screwed up, I'd get sassed at for making up excuses. It's like my parents bounced back and forth between being indifferent to their children and acting borderline abusive to them.
So, to sum things up, I hate it when I fail because my parents can't tolerate my failures, I don’t know how to stop myself from overreacting to failure, and I don’t personally know anyone who can help me with my personal issues. I've only had two therapists in my lifetime, and neither of them has helped me accomplish much. If I pass, that means I get to become a teacher, even though my organization skills and people skills are downright laughable; if I fail, I don’t think my parents will let me hear the end of it. I feel like I’m at my wit’s end here. I don’t know what to do.
06 May 2014, 3:05 am
