Lost my chance at living in my parent's cottage. :(

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Hi everyone, I always come here when I can't figure things out and when everything is so overwhelming... this is one of those times I need help sorting out a situation that is very complex.

Backstory:
I quit my job at a chain restaurant after staying there for 15 months for anxiety-related reasons. I will do well as long as I possibly can then the stress gets to the point that I quite literally can't take another drop and HAVE TO QUIT , as in, I stay far longer than any sane person in a consistently negative and abusive environment. [I was raped, abused, neglected and molested most of my childhood and almost all of my young adulthood].

I know I need intensive therapy, I just got health insurance, totally planning on pursuing any help I can get professionally.

Here is my problem:
My hubby has AS too, and after I was diagnosed in 2012 we started working on understanding our relationship and ourselves better through the lens of ASD. There is much work to do though we are very committed. Years of dealing with my lack of consistent employment and degradation/declination of skills/abilities has led to the point that I can no longer hold a job long enough to pay bills long enough, and his very part time job of 10 years-- I had to ask him to leave so that we can live in one of my parents' houses (to avoid another landlord problem since we can't pay our rent this month and there is no help other than my parents who are helping me move to the house they own.

So hubby is leaving his job of 10 years which he made a decent wage but only worked full-time in the summers, so that we can potentially be more stable, a place to live that doesn't have legal reprecussions if we don't pay my parents.

I can't hold a job for more than a few months, my 15 months at this chain restaurant were largely due to a VERY understanding boss who put me in a niche role (prep work as the only prep cooK! wonderful!) As sooon as the work environment changed with a new GM, it all started going downhill... long time work friends were fired or made to quit and the people to replace them were very young (no offense) and I could not relate as well to them as to the mid-30s folks who were hired during what I call now the "glory days" of my employment there.

Okay this is getting super long and I'll come back to edit it:

I need to organize this info so I can ask for help instead of just barrage ppl with TOO MUCH INFO.

SO thank you for reading so far, I'm coming back to this:

My mom told me I had to get a job before I moved. So, taking that literally, as I'm known to do very often, I got the first job that called me back and did the interview (I passed the interview only bc of my experience combined with them being desperate, great combo, the only way I really get jobs anyway!). SO now I'm stuck having to go do a 10-hour shift tomorrow, an hour away, spending all night away from hubby, driving home an hour at 11:00pm which scares me to death, at a work environment where I was told the first day to watch out for the "backstabbing b*****s"

I just can't make myself do this stuff anymore.... it's like, there is some energy reserve people have for dealing with stress and my pool is in the negative!! as in SEVERE DROUGHT!! ! I'm in adrenal fatigue, I gave myself a break and I'm still pressured to do more!! Always, MORE!! If I work 36 hours, it's NOT FULL TIME, and seriously, I flip out about it because what is the conceptual difference people have with 36 hours =/= fulltime but 40 does!! what is the importance of those 4 f*****g hours!!??!?!

ALso, if I'm moving out of state after living somewhere for 10 years, why do I get no adjustment time!? (AW, I know cry me a river, life is so hard, why can't I just #%)*$#%)&$%)

If anyone else here understands EXTREME stress and can help me establish boundaries without making myself sound like a whiny piss-ant (yeah maybe that's a little self-loathing, after all I'm supposed to hate myself about how much I've failed as a human being in society's eyes, right?)

I need time to adjust to this move, it takes me tons longer than other people to do stuff, moving out of state is one of those things that even normal people have to plan for and whatnot. Also, my hubby has AS too and I need to really be around for him, he's going to have it rough leaving a job of 10 years even though he's moving "back home" it's changed a lot.

Ugh this post is going nowhere, I realize I don't even know what I need help with.... I wish people in my life could really understand that things are difficult not because of who I am, or how hard I try....

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UPDATE:
I enforced my boundaries of needing time to pack, move, arrange utilities, support my hubby with a difficult life-change, keep up with housework, resume writing, job searching, networking.

The result, I didn't meet the requirements to move into the cottage, which was to have a job before I got there. Even after misunderstanding that I could tell a potential employer I'd be happy to start in two weeks (AS IF!? REALLY!? IN WHAT FANTASY RESTAURANT!?), taking a really bad job for me and being too anxious to go in (also had to work graveyard, late night shifts, etc. an hour's drive from home), being so distressed by my dad's tough love routine that I told him that if I "had to take a job where truckers grabbed my ass at 4am then F*k it." and hung up on him. Ah, I love how immature I am in a meltdown....

Well hubby can keep his job hopefully. They have been through this with him before the last time the cottage was available to rent. I need a job here asap again because I lost ground while "planning to move down there" what a f'kin sham! I convinced myself I was moving there to help them out. I don't know what to do anymore.

Always these impossible things to do that I try to do and fail due to misunderstanding, not being able to explain things properly, not having emotional control when pushed, etc.

Last edited by kirayng on 10 May 2014, 9:29 am, edited 2 times in total.

I'm pretty sure I have to pay someone to help me. Wish I knew how to go about that. $20 bucks to whoever will listen to me, $100 to anyone who can help. No this is not a scam, I'm beyond help so I have no worries about taking anyone's money because they won't offer it.

Just some more whining. disregard.

Did you try telling your mom that you need some time to settle in before getting a job? Or mention the work-related stress you've been dealing with?

Thank you so much for reading my thread, I was feeling very hopeless when I wrote it.
I don't know how to do this. I know it has to do something with boundaries, which I'm not very good with, I end up doing what people suggest/demand etc to make them happy which also is very stressful.

Is there a strong, yet, polite way to tell her that I need this time to pack, set up utilities, get networking down there, support my hubby who no doubt will have a harder time, live a somewhat normal life until it's all chaos....

I read somewhere last night that pushing people to try harder is something people do to be nice! I feel even worse that my mom's intentions are most likely due to that, not even to do with me or considering my situation being unique. I just don't need any pushing to do stuff, no one, not even me, can make me do stuff I either can't (seen through trial and error) or can't stand (sensory).

If I could tell my mom how I feel without getting upset, without her feeling defensive and without both of us arguing, etc.
Is this something I need a therapist for? I have had bad luck with those so far but would consider one spec'd in ASDs.

Yes, that is a boundary problem, but maybe this situation is a bit different...do you feel obligated to do what your mom says because you are using her house?


Yes...you just say the words in a firm, confident voice without yelling or having aggressive body posture. I don't know how to explain it, you just have to do it.


That may be true...I was thinking your mom knows about your problems holding down a job and decided that you just need someone to push you to succeed.


It doesn't sound that serious to me...but if you need to learn to stand up for yourself more, in my opinion it would be best to learn it on your own. Standing up for yourself requires independence and it's easier to cultivate independence when you don't have a therapist to lean on.

I realized I'm in a somewhat dysfunctional parent-child relationship. My mom believes my behavior is caused by things she says or does. This to me is irrational as my behavior is only caused by myself. OH well, another inconsistency I'm a flawed human.

How do I quit ruining my life?

If your mum believes your behaviour is due to what she says or does then why not try to find out more and ask her what it is that she., in her eyes, says or does that makes you behave in the way you do?

You might find this interesting. I did.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissist ... attainment

This is interesting to read! I was talking to mom last night and she said some comment I made back to her in email said her "suggestions are worthless", and I was trying to dissect my words in email, where I could've even implied all that, and realized it was her judgement of my reaction to her. Well it's probably for the best we'll stay an hour away.

1) Never, ever accept any offer of help from your parents ever, ever again. They believe that your issues will go away if you just "grow up." That will never change. Never, ever accept any offer of help from them again. CERTAINLY do not live in a house they own.

2) Do you have kids?? If not, get a PO box, get a job you can keep for a year or so, put your stuff in storage, buy a propane camp stove, and move into your car. Live there for 12 to 18 months, perhaps not consecutively if you're where winters get real cold. Use the money you save to buy a trailer. Rent for a lot should be cheap enough that you can make it work, consistently, on minimal income.

3) Don't make friends with co-workers. Don't make acquaintanceships with co-workers. The only reason you even need to know their names is that sometimes you have to speak to them in order to get stuff done. Keep your mouth shut, do your job the way they want it done (NOT the way you think is right), draw your paycheck, and leave.

4) Don't expect anyone to be compassionate towards you, or considerate of you. EVER.

1) This is harder than it seems, I also am married(not legally) to a man with AS who doesn't do bills, paperwork (his ID expired b4 we met over 12 years ago), house stuff, etc. he goes to work and then comes home and plays video games. THIS IS TOTALLY FINE WITH ME. I play games after work too and try my best to keep up with bills paperwork, etc. running the house while trying to work too, it's a bit of a mess TBH.

2) No kids. Having trouble getting a new job after losing my last one but I love the idea of camping out to save money for my own place! Hubby and I have talked about doing that but he's been at his pretty decent job for the last 10 years so I wouldn't want to put that on him due to my lack of skills at life.

3) How can I "be one of the team" if I don't try to make any friends? I work in restaurants, where people are vicious if you're not "one of them". Even if I'm the "odd one of them" it's better than being an outcast...

4) People are compassionate and considerate of me, quite often, I don't expect it actually like you said, but when it happens I have my faith in humanity restored. LIke the nice man on the phone today when I applied for food stamps.



I have a responsibility to my partner, my hubby of 12 years, to put in my share, this is where help from my parents has kept us together and living under a roof. If I stopped getting help from my parents, how can I stay with my hubby? I can't put us out on the street by being a hardass to my parents. I need help that they won't give me, I understand that, but in the meantime their money makes my life a lot easier to live. If it wasn't for my parents, I wouldn't have a car and I certainly wouldn't have an apartment. I'd be homeless and alone.

Well this is all stuff I hate thinking about but it must be done. I don't know what to do anymore.... today I just f****d up a job opportunity bc I went to go do errands this morning and my car had a flat tire-- just what I need on my first day to my new job!(the tire place still hasn't called me to tell me if they can fix it and I was supposed to be in at 2:30 a half hour away from where I live....

I just want to give up.... lay in a gutter somewhere.... til I die....

Well at least the new job is accommodating my ridiculous ass. Thankfully they will have me start when my car is fixed, whenever that will be.

Wish I didn't have anxiety... though I suspect most of us with AS and an anxiety thing wish not to have anxiety.... *sigh*

All the best for your future, we are all flawed as indeed are all humans, but we can make the best of it. Anxiety is perfectly normal (it happens to be an anagram of "any exit?" and indeed we sometimes wonder about the way out of the bad situation.

I get on OK with my co workers at a fruit and veg packhouse but did not attend the Saturday afternoon party as I see enough of them during working hours. I'm working towards getting a better paid and more fulfilling position eventually.

I'm glad you have a supportive partner / husband who accepts you for who you are. And parents that care, which fortunately I also have. As well as a partner who understands me better since I was (eventually) officially diagnosed with AS. I'm working on the long term plan to get us together under one roof again.

Once again, best of wishes and remember we are a community here where you can share your burdens.