How to convince an ashamed friend

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...that I'm not judging her.

She mentioned this mental health place and the facilities it had, and I said that I'd never heard of it before. I've never accessed anything to do with mental health before, so I don't know the places for it in my area. As she's in my area, she knew about this place and was suggesting that we went there. I told her I hadn't heard of the place and her tone suddenly changed, mumbling (ashamed). I tried to convince her that although I've never accessed mental health services before, that I had no problem with those who do, and that I've known lots of people who have had to access it. She still seemed ashamed though.

She has paranoid schizophrenia, and was slightly reluctant to tell me the symptoms of it too. I don't want her to be ashamed of who she is. I've told her all my past problems and she's very understanding. She's kind too. The other day she invited me over to hers and we spent the afternoon just doing creative stuff, and she gave me some of the materials we used so I could finish at home. I've known her for about the last 10 years or so, not in constant contact.

^ I also wanted to thank her for that. I did thank her several times, but I felt like it wasn't enough. I think it was though. It was just so nice having someone do something like that for me. I was really grateful.

Last edited by smudge on 01 May 2014, 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It may just take time for her to see that her revelation won't change your relationship. I'd just treat her normally, and listen carefully if she decides to open up more.

Why would you say you never heard of it? NTs usually use that phrase to invalidate or minimize something's importance.
But why would you say you never heard of it, you don't use those types of facilities so she wouldn't expect you to know.
Of all the things in the world to say, why would you say you never heard of it? You don't even expect yourself to know about it.

Remember this phrase because it's highly offensive and seems condescendingly judgmental to almost everyone, I doubt you're even immune, when it hits you in the right (wrong) situation it's incredibly annoying.

To be frank, the only people I've ever heard say this "early" in a conversation, besides b*tchy NTs, are the "know-it-all," aspies.

But why wouldn't your first response be, "Cool, lets go!" or something similarly supportive of her plight to let her know you're going to back her up, and help her stay safe?

"I've never heard of it," is a massive slam on a person to whom the topic is very important and most especially if nobody had any reason to expect you to have heard of it.

So in my opinion you were either being a complete I-know-everything-but-haven't-heard-of-this-so-it's-clearly-garbage, as*hole (but in a kind meaning way) or you just pulled a massive brain boner of saying almost exactly the most wrong thing.

If you think I'm wrong, think again about her reaction, was it a pretty strong and profound change?

So either go tell her you're sorry for being a insecure know-it-all bore, or that you're sorry for cramming both feet, all your shoes, an over coat, and a policehorse's hooves in your big fat mouth, with room still to unload a dump-truck of rock.
Make her laugh, and it'll be better.

1402b, if only more people told me how I came across IRL - seriously, people often think I'm putting them down when it isn't my intention at all. That was very interesting to read - thank you. The know-it-all response made me laugh! Even if it was your intention to give me a good slap in the face, which I probably deserve.

It was indeed a profound change.

It is actually that I am *clueless* as to how I come across. I put it down to several things:

1) I'm used to jokes aimed at me that are insulting, and sometimes I accidently insult and put down other people using those jokes because they don't often bother me if aimed at me.

2) I *am* bloody clueless.

3) I am a very literal thinker and I say and interpret things that way. I can't be subtle to save a life.

4) I think I do have a know-it-all attitude sometimes, or I brag. It's my own insecurity because I'm sh*t academically.

Today I did try to put myself down a bit to level with her (I hate doing that) by saying I used to take the pill and if I took it at the wrong time, my mood would change.

^ I know what I've just said - putting myself down to level with her sounds like I'm above her. I'm not above her. I just can't relate to people by putting myself down, it feels horrible. My pride is what keeps me going, even if it can be slightly delusional. I can't function thinking that there's faults with me. I know my faults, I just don't like telling them to other people. I don't trust people with personal things like that.

Also, I responded with that because I didn't think I would be allowed there since I don't have a diagnosis of a mental illness/disorder.

Well, I said to her that I wanted to go and have a look, and asked if we could go along sometime. She said she didn't want to go. What to do next? Since I'm curious about the place (and wondering why the Hell I hadn't heard of it before) I'm going to visit. I'm not in a desperate situation, but perhaps I can get something out of it, and maybe even make some friends there. I just always thought there was absolutely nothing for people here.

If it isn't great - there's always retail therapy. I bought a really nice skirt today. I'm now on the lookout for a jacket to go with it.

I'm still going to see her later this week. Just that I screwed up big time on making her feel bad. I've told her a few times though that I can appear forthright. People never really understand it.

I don't think you messed up too badly. Sometimes things happen, and sometimes we say things like that just to indicate its not something we are familiar with as opposed to insulting. You should not beat yourself up over it too much. You're not a villain, you're a caring friend because you care about your friends feelings. Thats why you posted.

Hopefully you guys can patch things up.

This.

I having to learn to accept that even if I try my hardest not to, sometimes I just say the wrong thing.

Maybe she thought you didn't appreciate the suggestion or something to that effect...I mean also considering she has schizophrenia it could be somewhat related to paranoia even if shes not having a psychotic episode or maybe you did really come off more blunt than you intended and it just hurt her feelings. I by no means am judging but I have met and talked to people with that disorder and sometimes they can get the wrong idea but if the friendship stays the same on your part she'll likely realize you aren't holding it against her. She could also have been sensitive about it because there is a lot of stigma towards that disorder so its probably very hard to open up to someone about it.

I hope things work out ok, everyone sometimes makes mistakes and says the wrong thing or accidently say things with good intentions that the other person might take wrong...everyone takes things wrong to sometimes I am pretty sure.

Does she know you have aspergers? and sometimes come off the wrong way?

I thought that too. She is quite sensitive, but at the same time she makes allowances. I'm sure I've been rude to her in the past and she took it. That could be either because she understands that I don't mean it, or because she has to make allowances for her paranoia, perhaps. I've never seen her having an episode. She takes medication and meditates, so I'm sure that does her good. She's in a relationship and does voluntary and paid work, and knows lots of people, so she's in a good position.



Thank you. I think they will. She doesn't text me too often, and she doesn't get offended if I take more than a day to reply. She knows not to pop over to mine unexpectedly and she will phone me every now and then, which is nice. We go for coffee sometimes.

She knows I have it. She doesn't know what it is though. I found it really hard explaining it to her, but I'm sure I said ages ago how it affected me, and how I appear rude/blunt sometimes. I've told her I shut myself away sometimes. I think she just waits for me to approach her or unless she sees I'm feeling sociable.

Greatsharkbite, thank you. I think you're right, I do care not to hurt her feelings, and that makes me a good friend. I do get what 1401b means, saying, "I've never heard of it" is like a dismissal and it breaks the feeling of familiarity in conversation.