My confessions

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There are so many things wrong with my life:

-I am too fat
-I eat when I'm not even hungry and I am obsessed with food
-I am afraid of people, because I fear they will judge me for who I am
-My studies are failing; I just can't seem to get motivated
-When I think of what I still have to do for my studies (eg. writing a thesis) I get really stressed and start to cry
-I only have to go to university 8 hours a week and I still those few hours emotionally exhaust me
-I long for love, appreciation, warmth, stability and understanding, but I am dating a boy that doesn't even have time to see me more than 4 hours a week in the evenings. He doesn't want a relationship with me because he has fear of commitment. I still stay with him because he is the best there is available right now and I am too afraid of new people to start dating again.
-I am afraid of the future. I don't know what I want and I am afraid that I will never find my place in this world. I don't have goals, like many other people do.
-I never feel happy.







I DON'T WANNA DO A STUPID POSTER PRESENTATION, AND I DON'T WANT TO GO ON AN OBLIGATORY 'GOODBYE TRIP' WITH MY TRAINEES.

This is something I experience as well. I saw my doctor about this. He prescribed Adipex for it. It's helped. If I forget to take it in the morning, I'm hungry and thirsty throughout the whole day.



I also experienced this. It's still there to some extent, and I've had people actually do it which hurts. But I had to just put it in my head that other people can get f****d if they're more worried about something that doesn't have to do with the situation at hand. I've even gotten to the point where if I'm familiar with the person who does this I will call them on it and tell them to stop wasting time or getting distracted from what needs to be done. I'm not saying you should take the same stance, but this is what I did to overcome this in myself.



I struggled with this in both high school and college. In high school it took moving in with my grandmother and having her motivate me whether I wanted to be or not. I pulled my grades up from failing to a high B average because she pushed me. College was harder. I no longer had my grandmother pushing me. My mothers attempt at motivation was to logically explain that I would be better off with a college degree regardless of what it was, and I would have more possibilities to do things in my life. Looking back now, she was right.

As for scheduling, I switched schools because of it. I hated going to a few hours of class at different times between semesters. It was stressful, having to go for six hours on monday, two hours on tuesday, one hour on wednesday, and two hours on thursday. The times made me have to rush from work, or make it impossible for me to do anything in between work and school with how much time I had. I found a school with a better schedule where I went to the same time for four days. I established a routine I didn't have to stress out about.

As for the thesis. I avoided a thesis and went with a capstone project where I worked part time for the school as their student IT tech for two months. My degree was in computer science so this worked out. I don't know if a capstone project is available to be done instead of a thesis, but if so, you may want to switch to that. I found the capstone allowed me to offload my executive function. I didn't have to do a thesis paper on my own. Instead it was up to someone else to schedule me and assign work, and all I had to do was show up.



I got nothing on this. I haven't had a relationship last more than five months and have given up. I haven't dated anyone going on almost four years now. Any advice or information I can pass on from me to you would be no good.



This is normal. It still sucks. I felt this same way. I know many people who feel this same way. I didn't have any goals for a long time. I just relied on people telling me variations of you'll be better for doing this. In hindsight they were correct.

My father taught me a lesson. There are those who live to work and maybe they're even lucky to be passionate about their job, work, or career. Then there's the rest of us. We work to live. Meet your base needs first, but then do something else, take up a hobby, spend time having fun on the weekend.

For my father this is taking care of my grandmother, automotive, some arts & craft stuff. For me I ended up with arts & crafts. I hate my career. It's nothing like I thought it would be. What it does for me though is it allows me to live where I could figure out my goals. None of these goals I've developed now existed back in college or before. This happens. You may not have any clue what to do with your life, and no one knows what the future truly will bring. That's okay. I've discovered that a lot of times you're just flying by the seat of your pants.



Same here with me up until the last year or two. There were on occasion a few things that could bring happiness. Growing up when I got to spend time with my grandparents was one source of joy, but it never lasted because I always had to go home, or move out after high school. It took me over a thirty years of my life to figure some things out about me and why they caused me to be unhappy. Finding out I had aspergers and that it was the cause of much of my misery allowed me to take steps to mitigate the pain. Realizing I couldn't ignore my gender dysphoria allowed me to get through the pain and suffering it caused. Discovering I had cyclothymia and getting on a mood stabilizer was wonderful. I only got on the mood stabilizer four months ago. In the last four months, this is the happiest I've ever been for a continuous time. I hope that I don't end up in a situation where I lose access to the mood stabilizer.



What can this mean for you?

There could be many things all at once causing your unhappiness. Be patient with yourself and don't give up. Not all of life makes sense right away and it may be a while. The fight may seem long, but the potential rewards are great.

I wish I had something helpful to say. I tried typing responses and they didn't help. All I can say is that you are not alone here.

You are not weak, just intelligent: I used to have problems with motivation until I realised that it was my subconscious being rational. Often we try to do things that we know deep down probably won't help us. So our subconscious will not focus on them, and is looking for something else. The trick is to find something to do that WILL help us. Which is much easier said than done.

You are not alone here.