Strange behaviour after a loss

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I have a troubled marriage and became enamoured of someone I met on this site (who doesn't visit anymore). We became FB friends and we chatted and I found him so intelligent and spiritual and appealing. He is a gorgeous person and I really love him. But I tend to get carried away when someone that amazing even gives me the time of day. His feelings were not as strong as mine even though he is lonely and wants a lady. He's not into long-distance, I guess, or married weirdos like me. I want to get unmarried but have my son to think about. I accidentally offended him by making a bit of an off-color suggestion to him, and decided that I was getting carried away and we ended our friendship. I thought things would settle down for me after that.

But no--I feel like I have lost the love of my life. It's idiotic, since we've never been in the same state--much less the same room. I have cried every day and keep running across things I'd like to share with him but can't. It's like when my mom died; that's how bad the grief is. But when Mom died, I had lots of support from others and they knew what was going on. I can't tell anybody about this grief because it's illicit.

The even stranger part is what I've been doing to assuage it. I have been going online and meeting random men who I have been emailing and one of them has kind of gotten me to do things I would never have done otherwise. This is not something I would ordinarily do and I am afraid of what is happening but I am not sure I can stop until things go too far (they kind of already have).

I need to stay online because I don't have a car or any real free time and it's the only social connection to other human beings outside of work. What is wrong with me???! !! I need to stop before I get in trouble.

First, sorry your hurt after you have 'lost' this man. Although you may not have been a couple, you obviously feel loss. Not meaning to pry, but it appears your estranged marriage is already a loss as well. I know you're protecting your son and all, but finalizing the divorce would be in everyone's best interest now. Then you'd have leverage to pursue your own needs as the priority, which is far better in the long run.

From reading your post, you are very hungry. Hungry for companionship, love and acceptance. And maybe latching onto anyone who remotely meets that criteria. Be wary though - make sure he deserves you and protect yourself and son first. In a sense, under other circumstances, I am doing this myself just now. That is, I am in the 'underdog' position and need to mindful to not give another too much power, you know?

It seems your clandestine grief, given the circumstances, is not addressed because it's hidden away. As opposed to e.g., losing a family member where everyone rallies around with their support. But your grief is nonetheless real. Have you thought about having a little ceremony, for your own closure? Just to say good-bye so you can move on?

I do hope you meet someone, but he needs to be the right one so your own well-being is not jeopardized. For me, as an Aspie, I comparatively don't have many friends at all, which equates to that I can easily be hurt. So I do know what you mean.

Sorry for this 'double post' but I believe it's worth sharing. First, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you! In fact, you're just looking for someone to fulfill your needs. But anyway, someone related this to me and it's good to keep in mind.....

Imagine one who might be vulnerable/naive who is really, really hungry (by analogy, you looking for an accepting companion). Then red berries are offered to quench you! Grabbing handfuls, you eagerly accept them all, eating up all the juicy berries. But then you start to feel sick, realizing that those berries were in fact slightly poisonous......unknowingly, you've just been hurt. Be wary! Those in need are especially vulnerable.

I personally made the mistake of trusting another way too much too soon, and they don't have my interests at heart.

P.S. If you want, PM me. I just now have a whole lot going on. Although my situation is different in that it's a professional matter, it's otherwise kind-of similar to your own. The Lab Pet is stressed just now too!!

I don't know if this helps, but I agree with LabPet. When I am feeling alone, which is most of the time, even the mildest criticism or loss is one thing too many.

Especially if it's maybe an anniversary of when your mother died, or if you need to go through any of her things, maybe you could talk with some of the people who supported you when she died, and just say you are feeling very lonely? It is true, and could allow you to share your grief.

Something about the feeling of deep loss is so very familiar. I have felt - and do feel - intense emotions over things and people which on the face of it are comparatively trivial. Perhaps it is just part of being Aspie but, having been nothing else, I have no way of comparing it to what passes for 'normal'!

My sister died three months ago and the weird thing is, the grief I feel often seems to be unconnected to her death. I find myself getting incredibly tearful about things in my past which I thought were resolved, or relatively minor losses that are current. Again, I find myself wondering if this is something that happens, to Aspies and NT alike, perhaps? Do the big losses make us more vulnerable to the 'smaller' ones? Is there something in us that means it is far easier to grieve small than grieve large. Does that make any sense, as a question even?

With the loss of this relationship, I guess we should never underestimate the power that an affirming presence in our life can have. As LabPet pointed out, there can be a tendency to trust too easily, and give ourselves away too readily. I can certainly identify with that feeling of 'hunger'. I have made those kind of mistakes too.

Sorry that I appear not to be offering much in the way of answers or support. I guess all I can offer from here is an element of 'Yes, I get it'. I understand, at least to some extent, how bewildering it can be to find yourself acting in ways that surprise and even scare you. I suppose I echo the advice to find people who you *can* talk to, who you know will treat you with respect and who have proved they can be trusted.

To change analogies, the ones on the edge of the herd that are most vulnerable. This is especially true when they are also wounded, as is the case now. I am guessing you would not be on this forum if you were not used to being on the edge, but there is much to be said for finding a community - either online or off - that can gather around you at this time of particular loneliness and hurt.

I think this is advice I need to take for myself too. Thanks for 'listening', and all the best with your particular battles. Am here if you need me.

Something about the feeling of deep loss is so very familiar. I have felt - and do feel - intense emotions over things and people which on the face of it are comparatively trivial. Perhaps it is just part of being Aspie but, having been nothing else, I have no way of comparing it to what passes for 'normal'!

My sister died three months ago and the weird thing is, the grief I feel often seems to be unconnected to her death. I find myself getting incredibly tearful about things in my past which I thought were resolved, or relatively minor losses that are current. Again, I find myself wondering if this is something that happens, to Aspies and NT alike, perhaps? Do the big losses make us more vulnerable to the 'smaller' ones? Is there something in us that means it is far easier to grieve small than grieve large. Does that make any sense, as a question even?

With the loss of this relationship, I guess we should never underestimate the power that an affirming presence in our life can have. As LabPet pointed out, there can be a tendency to trust too easily, and give ourselves away too readily. I can certainly identify with that feeling of 'hunger'. I have made those kind of mistakes too.

Sorry that I appear not to be offering much in the way of answers or support. I guess all I can offer from here is an element of 'Yes, I get it'. I understand, at least to some extent, how bewildering it can be to find yourself acting in ways that surprise and even scare you. I suppose I echo the advice to find people who you *can* talk to, who you know will treat you with respect and who have proved they can be trusted.

To change analogies, the ones on the edge of the herd that are most vulnerable. This is especially true when they are also wounded, as is the case now. I am guessing you would not be on this forum if you were not used to being on the edge, but there is much to be said for finding a community - either online or off - that can gather around you at this time of particular loneliness and hurt.

I think this is advice I need to take for myself too. Thanks for 'listening', and all the best with your particular battles. Am here if you need me.

Well, it appears I felt the need to say all that twice. Sorry about that. Hope it helps anyway.