I am in Hell

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I do not know how it has happened, but I have fallen back into eating disordered related OCD and it is really destroying what little quality of life I had. I do not know how to deal with this, but when it happens, it is leaving me half mad. I do a lot of exercise every few days... I used to do an hour a night, sometimes 2 hours a day, and now it is usually 2-2 and a half hours every other night or every few nights. This is all fine, but afterwards I have got into the habit of spending time in front of the mirror to see if I look thin enough, and this has become an all consuming obsessive activity that is taking hours of my time. I used to have it in control, but now I stand there looking at myself from all angles, breathing in, pushing out, everything, for hours, convinced that I am fat. I do not allow myself to sit down until I am convinced I look slim enough... incidentally, I am not underweight as such. I do not know what to do, it is just insanity really and will no doubt sound insane to anyone else who has not been through such a thing.
I am assuming it is a response to recent stress and issues over a man I became obsessed with for over 8 months, and who I came to have feelings for. I am worn out with my life to be honest, this is not a first. My whole life seems to have been one thing after another. I spent over 10 years with anorexia, I do not want to go back to this slippery slide, but I seem incapable of stopping these obsessive thoughts.

are you on medication for OCD?

No because I have not had issues with it for years until now. I thought it was something that would stay away once I was over my eating disorder. It makes me feel so totally, utterly stupid, to get so caught up like this, what do I have a brain for? It is leaving me wishing I just could end it all now, as I would rather be not here than have to go through this again. It makes me look like a total lunatic.

Graelwyn--

OCD and eating disorders are not things that can be overcome by reason alone. These are brain dysfunctions that can be triggered by stress...

Like you don't know this already. This must seem exasperating and disappointing, but you had a good long while coping well. You can do it again, because you were able to do it once.

Please get help in RL, like you did before, and come here and talk with us, and vent, and hang in there, and take care of yourself. Obsessions can be so overwhelming, and the energy it takes is so exhausting...I hope you are feeling better soon.

I wish I could offer you words that would help right now, even just a little.

Take care. Rjaye.

Thankyou for your responses. Truth told, I rarely ever had any help with the OCD as I did not realise what it was when younger and therefore didn't tell anyone. The only time I did have some form of help was when it got so bad I was considered psychotic and was forced into a private hospital where all they did was put me on various medications that sedated me totally and seclude me 24/7. I was only even allowed to go to any group therapy in my final week and that did not good.

When I got out, I became obsessed with Dr Who pretty soon and that seemed to put a halt on my body obsession pretty fast. This time, I seem unable to focus on any specific thing... I am struggling with my emotions regarding the man I came to love, I am struggling with the prospect of having to relocate yet again in July because my landlord has not given me the option of having another year...and I do not want to move. I dont want to go through all that again, I am not up to it. I am trying to find something in my life worth remaining for, but I do not see anything there. I do not see any prospect of a future for myself with this endless cycle of obsessive behaviour and clinical depression.