I hate my friends and I hate myself

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I slept in really late this morning, and the first thing that happened when I woke up was one of my friends barged into my room and wanted to visit. It's nice that you feel like hanging out, but right now is not a good time. Anyway we hung out for a bit, and spent a lot of time sitting around doing nothing, and I started to realize that I am virtually incapable of making small talk. He takes a nap, and I go off back to my room and check a few things on the computer. No new messages on DeviantArt. Lame. Nothing new or interesting on my other sites. Lame. I get bored after a while, not to mention I'm feeling hungry, so I go back upstairs to see if my friend's up from his nap. He's up, and another friend, the son of my landlady, walks in. He socializes with my friend for a while, and I just can't get on their wavelength. The two have been friends longer than I've been friends with either of them, but still. I try to enter the conversation a few times, but it seems like everything I have to say is some random fact that they have no interest in, or some complaint about something that they brush off because they don't want their buzz to be killed. My landlady walks in and I'm a bit relieved since she's a bit easier to talk to, but it's still a tense situation where I can't get on my friend's frequency, and I end up feeling really agitated, but I don't want to say anything about it. In the meantime, my landlady has started making dinner, which is great since I've been starving all day, but it takes a long time for the food to cook. While I'm waiting for the food, I hear that my landlady's husband is coming home, which makes me even more tense since I don't really get along with him. Like we don't fight or anything, but I get this impression that he thinks I'm lazy and that he doesn't like having me around. He comes home, we eat dinner, then my landlady's son feeds the dogs, which is kind of a tricky task since you have to seperate them to keep them from eating each other's food. At the same time, he tries to do the dishes, and absentmindedly, I went into the kitchen where one of the dogs was eating to drop off a dish, opened the gate, and one of the other dogs storms in and tries to steal the other's food. I get given s**t for doing this, then I just storm off downstairs back to my room.

I don't even know why I try to keep friends or socialize anymore. I suck so much at it, that I should just f*****g give up. I go crazy when i'm alone all the time, but I also go crazy when I'm around the same people all the time. I hate myself, I hate my friends, I hate my family, I hate everyone. I also hate people who don't use the word "hate". I'm pissed off at everybody and everything, and I'm depressed too. I can't f*****g connect with or understand other people. Ironically, I want someone to ask me what's wrong, just so that I can b***h and complain at them. I want someone to listen. People aren't good at listening. I want to put my fist through a wall and f*****g break it and f*****g scar up my hand. I feel too weak to punch things though, and I sure as hell don't want to actually do it for fear that I may get kicked out or scrutinized further or something. I can barely even type properly right now. I'm amazed that I've managed to type all this s**t out.

How do you connect with people? What kind of drugs would I have to take to connect with people and feel happy and normal and like popular things and not be such a f*****g mope? I want to beat me out of me.

I hear what you're saying about not getting on the frequency that your friends are. This is a constant for me; so much so that I don't concern myself with it anymore. When I am in the company of more than one person I take an observational role and will often wander around puttering and leave them to it.
It sucks though, never being able to connect.
Also, it sucks being woken up an having to immediately socialize. I don't function properly for the first hour after I wake up.
Hugs ... don't punch the wall. You'll regret it.

Thanks. It just feels so weird being around other people who are all socializing, and being the odd one out.

I know. It can be quite disheartening. The only way I've found to deal with it is to embrace the detachment. Observe and comment only when necessary. Oh and preoccupy yourself with tasks so as to legitimize your distraction.

It's harder for me as I get older.I used to use alcohol,but that doesn't even make most people interesting anymore.Sorry,I have no good advice.

I'm feeling better now that I've had some time to myself. I'm really getting more and more antisocial as I get older. Strangely, I don't mind yakking with random strangers on forums, and I even enjoy it, but it's partly because it doesn't feel like "real" socialization to me.

And we don't barge in and wake you up.

Yeah. People wonder why I don't put new minutes on my cell phone or stay logged into Facebook 24/7, that's the reason why.