Thinking about finally killing myself....

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Just so done with dealing with my issues, I can't stand having Aspergers ,and having mind-blindness which has worsened over 20 years of me living . I have no motivation no hobbies or interests like I used to. I don't know what to do for the day without someone telling me. This will be my 3rd and final attempt at my life... the last 2 times, my parents put me in a behavioral center , hoping I would get better. I know my family loves me very much, and do not want me gone from their life . But I refuse to suffer any longer ...

if you knew you'd only have to start over from scratch, would you still end it all?

Yes... I still would...

you're a better man than me, for sure if I had to do it all over again I'd just give up my eternal soul then and there.

I myself have had pretty crappy experiences with psychologists and other so-called mental health "professionals."

How about seeing a general practitioner doctor for an antidepressant prescription?

For the part where you say no hobbies or interests like you used to, honest to gosh, that sounds like the biochem aspect of depression. Now it's trial and error on the medication, no doctor can predict in advance, I think all the more reason to avoid a "specialist" who's going to take it personally. Plus, it often takes four to eight weeks to tell if the damn medicine is going to work, that's a bad part. But it's something to try, might work and make a real difference. Just need to take a deep breath and be ready for a series of medications, on your own terms and a way which makes sense for you, and another deep breath as needed. And also, that's it's usually important to phase down on the medication in a series of steps, even if it doesn't seem to be working just that your body may have gotten used to it.

PS I struggle with depression, haven't yet tried antidepressants but they are kind of my ace in the hole.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 11 Jun 2014, 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Please don't. If not for yourself, for your family, try to hang in. We all die eventually anyway, so why not wait it out and see where life takes you?

No matter how badly you think it will effect your family, it will be worse. My uncle took his life three and a half years ago, and my family (including myself) has not been the same since. My grandma has become an alcoholic, my mom and brother rarely leave the house, and I have developed severe anxiety. I'm not exaggerating. Having to live through a loved ones suicide is one of the most horrible things imaginable. I've thought about killing myself many times, but I love my family to much to put them through that.

I hope the OP at least stumbles onto something which makes him determined to stick around until he masters it.

Be glad that you don't have brothers like I have. When I went through hell with what Sir Winston Churchill called the black dog, and I started threatening suicide, no thanks to the medications making it worse, they gave me the tools to do so, then told me to do it in their presence, so they could dance and rejoice on my dead carcass and gravesite. They even as much as told me I could rot in hell, as far as they were concerned.

if I were you I'd consider those "brothers" to be no longer in existence as far as you are concerned.

With the exception of my youngest brother, who has a son and a daughter on the spectrum, I've pretty much written off the middle brothers. I haven't spoken to either of them since Mom's funeral.

Isn't that reason enough to hang in there? This is not an individual effort, it's very much a team effort. Tell your family you're having these issues, and that instead of being put in that behavior center, you want to actually get better. Feel better. Be better. You're not alone in this -- back in my high school days, I was very much like you are now, bullied to the point where I realized the only two ways to end the suffering were to wait years until I finally graduated (which is ultimately what happened), or end it all early, and even though I tried the latter multiple times, I could never make myself go through with it. My family got me the help I needed, and now my life's completely turned around. Now I'm 24 and engaged, and couldn't be happier with where my life is. Seeing the suffering on this forum, I feel compelled to help out.

Speaking from experience here, there really is no place like "rock bottom". The only two ways out are up or, well, the method you're talking about. It's hard to even describe what rock bottom is like until you've been there yourself, and it sounds like you're there. What you need is not an end, but a new beginning, a new chapter of your life. I hate to use the word "intervention" in times like this, but it's a family effort getting you better, so maybe that's what this is. Regardless, once you've hit rock bottom, nice words and sentiments lose their intrinsic value. Saying "I hope you get better" isn't enough anymore, what's needed isn't niceties, it's legitimate actions and thought-provoking ideas. Here's one such idea for you: let's go with what auntblabby's approach, altered a bit: if you were to start over from scratch starting from a worse place than you are now, are you sure you'd even want to be there? What if you wound up being a low-functioning Autistic quadriplegic, with no family to support you, no wheelchair, no way to communicate, and no place to call home but the streets of Chicago, Detroit, or some other town with ridiculously high crime rates per capita? Are you sure you'd want that?

If you need help, we're all, ALL here to support you in any way we can. Best wishes to you, and I sincerely hope you manage to crawl out of rock bottom. I know it'll be the hardest thing in your life, but trust me, the effort is 110% worth it, and you will be rewarded later in life.

Please do not do it. Please. Your family WILL blame themselves, no matter what. They will nEVER be okay. For you, there are tons of tommorrows, tons of opportunities for fresh starts[unless you take your life] But for a parent, NOTHING will ever stop the pain if you do. EVER. Please, hang in there. pm me, whatever.