My face is being a jerk.

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Okay, so for a little backstory, I've been suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder for the past few years.
First, I obsessively measured the ratio between my jaw and temples, deciding that my temples were narrow and sunken in while my jaw was outrageously wide. This eventually brought me so much despair I made a half arsed attempt at suicide and was institutionalized. They said it was "just the OCD" (I had had a problem with uncontrollable compulsions and "rules" in the past, but I eventually overpowered them by force of will and cognitive behavioral therapy) But while I was in there, I got worse. There was a mirror in the bathroom, and I'd look in it and see so many different hideous versions of my face that I'd eventually start crying over it. They threw random drugs and therapies at me, maybe one session of each, which really was of no help. The only real work I felt was done in there was by my own determination to defeat this stupid, awful feeling., Oh, and the art therapy. At least I got to paint in there, which is a very therapeutic thing to me, even if the lady was all like "I see you used dark colors in this picture. Does that symbolize your sadness?" and stuff like that.

Again, on to the actual problem. The worst part was that I knew how superficial it was and how little it should actually matter, and I felt guilty for "caring too much" about it. I had planned various cosmetic surgeries at one point, good thing I didn't have money or I could have gone through with it. They would never have made me happy.

I have since gotten better through medication and therapy, but now it's starting to get out of control again.

I study my face in detail sometimes without noticing (when I'm supposed to be brushing my hair for example), but instead of seeing something out of proportion or weird, I just see a bunchton of asymmetry in my face. Nostrils are different sizes, eyes are different shapes, nose is crooked and so on. This is starting to bother me, and I can't seem to be able to suppress and fight it like what I saw in the past. Feelings of despair surface, and I feel worthless as a person.

I fear a part of the problem is that I'm not getting the help I need, I feel the need for a psychologist to talk to and work on things, but the only available ones in my town are the independent ones that are crazy expensive, and I don't really have the funds necessary. The mental health department run by the state is seriously lacking in, well, everything. Mostly funding though. And psychologists.

Another thing, I can't seem to bring myself to ask for help. This is the first time I've reached out about this, and it's in an internet forum. Go me. I think my family still thinks I'm feeling okay and getting better. I can't bring myself to tell them, because it was such a heavy load on their feelings when I first got those problems. I just don't want to bother anyone, ever again. Especially with something as trivial as how my face looks.

(Sorry about the wall of text, but it was good to vent. Thank you.)

If that picture in your icon is you, I don't see my "asymmetry" within it--if there is any, it still makes you look attractive.

I think you know the score. You understand how superficial it is to worry about a little asymmetry.

But why do you feel worthless as a person merely because of a little physical asymmetry?

Cosmetic surgery, I believe, would be more painful than it is worth.

I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't notice the asymmetry anyway. I don't think I would.

That's the big problem here, I think. I don't know the actual reason, all I know is that it makes me feel terrible all the time. It hurts to know how superficial and silly your problem is, and still be so affected by it. If anything, that just makes me feel more worthless, because I feel like it's not a real problem, and I should be ashamed of myself for "letting" it affect me.

Thank you for taking the time to answer

There's nothing "superficial and silly" about any psychological issue. If it effects your life, than it's a serious issue and you should never feel worthless because of it. The human mind is complicated mechanism, indeed, prone to all sorts of troublesome glitches.

Judging from the intelligence and strength that comes though in your posts, I have no doubt in my mind that you will overcome this. And I'd just like to concur with what kraftiekortie said. I don't see any asymmetry at all in your face. On a scale of attractiveness, you rank VERY high in my opinion.

I hope my comments help in some small way. All the best to you!

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see, under the surface I've always been self conscious about how I look and it seems my perception of myself is determined by how I feel at that given time since sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I look fine. My dad instilled this in me since I was a child, his own obsessiveness with his health and his looks rubbed off on me and in my down moments it afflicts me. I have some unresolved issues, I think we all do and I know my came from a place of abuse and trauma. I know where it comes from, it still sucks that feel that way about yourself and knowing why doesn't necessarily make those feelings go away.

I go to Walmart and I live around a lot of homeless down and out people and while I don't think its good to elevate yourself above others, it helps me keep things in perspective. Am I really that bad? If other people can find happiness and be content in their lives then why can't I? I am always amazed when I see other people just not give a **** what others think.