drastically going from mildly suicidal to extremely suidical

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I go back and forth between feeling suicidal anger and sadness to feeling stable and only mildly suicidal.

My suicidal thoughts are constant in ways, but they are calmed by getting to escape the world around me by playing video games. When things get too terrible like this is when it becomes more serious. I go between feeling completely in-control and fully assured that I?d never kill myself when I have a whole life ahead of me and people that care about me, but sometimes, I feel extremely unstable and like I am going to hurt other people, like people in school, or hurt myself by killing myself.

I?d never do self-harm that isn?t suicide, because I don?t really understand the purpose. When I am stable, I think of the suicidal version of me and think, ?Wow, she?s absolutely crazy,? but I so drastically go from being calm and in-control to being unstable and feeling like I?m going to do something crazy. If I didn?t have video games to escape the madness, I?d constantly be that crazy person. The in-control Serena stops other people from committing suicide.

It?s like I change from two different Serenas inside of me, and one of them is dangerous. I don?t know how I would tell my counselor if I did. As my typical self, I am usually only mildly suicidal, so I can imagine if anybody else knew about this all, they?d be?? I suppose shocked. I don?t really know what they?d do.

I've always had a strong need for video games and a strong attachment to them to escape the world, but it became I suppose "worse" once I was 10 years old, and now, I am almost 14.

Well, really I can't call the in-control version of me calm, because I transition from both, and I don't really know which one is typical.

I guess what I'm wanting to know is what should I do about this? My counselor doesn't know about this. She says that I probably have a mood disorder and is saying to start "mild medication" this summer, because she's been having me track to mood patterns on my calendar. She thinks that I'm mildly depressed or something.
She was shocked to learn about how paranoid I am. She'd probably be really shocked about any of this then. She was shocked, because she said it wasn't "evident" because of the way I.... I don't know.

What do you think will happen if I tell my counselor? Why do you think this happens to me? What should I do?

Hi, okay, I think most people probably have a 'crazy side' as it were, so your counselor may be initially shocked but not too surprised.

When I shared with my internist several years ago that I was struggling with depression including thoughts of suicide, he said it's a medical emergency if you have thoughts of suicide coupled with a present plan. That makes good sense to me. Maybe most doctors take this view but, like a lot of things, probably not all.

So . . . one thing I tell myself, the other person is unlikely to take it to the top and I can handle it if they do. So, in the unlikely event you are subject to involuntary hospitalization, just hire a good lawyer, and when you demonstrate you're no longer currently a danger to self or others, probably a matter of weeks, you'll get out. Again unlikely, but I tell myself I can handle it if it does happen. If even people trying their best are clumsy, that kind of thing.

I've read that antidepressants are trial and error in a respectful sense, just that everyone's biochem is a little different. And that it's often important to phase down from the medication in steps, even if it doesn't seem to be working.

I am feeling the same way right now but the only force keeping me from attempting at this moment is my dying mother I wouldn't want to have her sad and see her son kill herself before she dies. She would die unhappy and hurt for sure at least if I do get that thought ill wait till after her time passes or someone interferes with my attempt again.

I cannot tell you what to do since everyone is different and therefore require different solution to the problems with suicidal thoughts. But I know how you feel. I have had suicidal thoughts for at least 15 years (and still present from time to time). Even trying to find a painless way of killing myself. The the only way I know off that is painless is by dyring of old age. Everything else is painfull speciel if it fails.So I basically decided to waiting to die sicne that does not curse any pain to myself. And while I am waiting then I try to make everyone around me as happy as possible and hope that there happines well at some point spill on my so my pain will go away

Rollercoastering from ok to feeling unstable and out of control is awful. Do you feel this way right now Serena?

Your counselor could be right, but you sound worried it's more than mild. So try to think about that your counselor is there to help you, she can get over being shocked, it's happened before, and will happen again. Plus how you speak, your words and tone, can help you get the outcome you want. I think it's important you not be alone with this, now when you are 14 or when your older. Try to think about "what do I need right now."

It depends on the counselor and it depends on how you say it.

If the counselor feels you are at risk to seriously harm yourself or others, they are supposed to help you, and in that case, they are supposed to arrange for someone else to evaluate your safety or to keep you safe. They might refer you to be seen and evaluated by a specialist or for hospitalization. Or, if you and they don't feel there is any risk right now, they could help you plan for what to do if that changes and you start to feel unsafe to yourself or others.

Maybe most important is that if you are safe right now, to identify what is stressing you to where you reach the point you are describing. When I was your age it seemed there was no one for me and I had to carry every bit of pain inside my head, trying never to let anything out. Hiding becomes a habit, becomes the only existence you know or can tolerate. Much easier if you can never reach that dark place. Because where you are sounds dark enough, Serena.

If you don't feel you can tell your counselor, tell someone else first. And you don't have to go all the way, you can let this out bit by bit. Just know that if you can't say you are safe right now, you may be sent to an emergency department or hospital. Which isn't a bad thing if you are at the point of desperation. Because when you feel out of control, letting someone else manage things is the only way to hold onto a piece of sanity. And the right thing to do.

Also, since you are 14, if the counselor feels things are serious, she will likely need to talk with your parents or whoever is responsible for you. If she can't because they can't be there for you, then it will be harder for you to feel safe, because of not being able to lean on anyone. She'll want you to have some kind of "safety plan" that includes what to do if you really feel you can't be safe. It's important, especially because as precious as your life is, you're worried for others that you think of hurting, too. So the worry is multiplied by the number of people at risk. And the counselor will probably ask, since you have thoughts about hurting other people, whether anyone is hurting you or what is happening that you are so upset you feel that way.

Talking that way might be really difficult, but is part of the letting go of control that can sometimes make your life better if you're falling apart---let go a little and avoid completely falling apart, avoid doing something permanent.

It's good you posted what you're feeling, Serena. And it can get better.

Are you ok right now?

Well, I was recently a few days ago really bad, but now I feel in-between calm and not calm. Even though this happens to me a lot for reasons in the past as well, right now there are specific things in my life that are about to happen that involve huge changes that are going to alter the course of my life forever that I hate. I can't say that I'm calm right now, but I'm not as bad as I was the other day.

I'm glad you're feeling better Serena.

Yes, stress from huge changes could set off a lot of desperately intense emotions.

You could try telling your counselor or whoever you trust that you're having trouble dealing with strong emotions and with stress generally, maybe they could help you not reach this point again.

Do you feel comfortable saying what the huge changes that will alter your life forever are? There may be someone here who has been through similar experiences they could share if you'd like.

First of all I would like to say you are very brave to post this here and It's very good you have done so, whatever you do don't feel bad for feeling like this it's understandable and I myself have felt like this at times in life for instance I currently feel I hurt people to not physically but emotionally because of my deep depression. However well done for doing what you doing its really hard to cope and I understand that, also I have done exactly as you have described (use video games) to escape reality and I still do, Iv been think of suicide many times especially when I was younger but its gotten better with age however that still dose not stop the thought from popping to mind every once in a full moon especially when everything feels s**t.

But your doing the right thing by even seeing somebody which is something I'm only going to start doing next month and for me its been years in the coming really and I could of done with getting help along time ago. So I would say tell your counselor but only do what your comfortable with as long as its in a positive direction, your not alone may people here feel or have felt the same way as you including myself. I can understand its gonna be hard to tell but I'm gonna have to explain all about my Imaginary Girlfriend to my counselor, image that I'm sure that's gonna raise some eye brows. Still I hope you are doing ok and I admire your courage, I know its not easy but hang in there I'm rooting for you, Good Luck Be sure to keep in touch!

Thank you all for responding here. The big changes are that my family is too poor to stay here, and we have to move. More specifically, my mom hasn't had a job for 15 years; my dad hasn't for 5 years. My parents separated 4 years ago, and my dad has been paying for two houses with money from the savings account and stock market. I didn't really care at the time of either of those happening, because I assumed my dad would get another job and I'd see him a lot. Now, my mom says we should've moved a long time ago. Now, right before I start high school, my mom and I have to go live in a different state with my sister, brother in-law, nephew, and niece. My dad is going to stay here, far away. By the way, my two sisters are 20 years older than me and have their own lives, and the one we're moving in with has a really good job and everything. The last time I moved was when I was 5 years old before I started school. My only friend had already moved away before I did. I've been here for 9 years in the same school system with a lot of the same people, and I already registered my 4-year-plan for high school, and I was excited, and now it's all ruined, because we don't have money. I've lived like an only child for a long time, and once I move, it'll be like I have two little siblings, being my 10 year old nephew and my 3 year old niece. I know them very well, just my nephew likes to spend a lot of time with me, and I'm just introverted.

With your 10-year-old nephew, you might want to use a method I use. Okay, right now after more than 20+ years of living on my own, I have been back living with my parents. Before I go into the house, I sometimes take a walk around the block or sit for a couple of minutes at a bench in a small greenbelt area.

Maybe even some alone time on the bus riding home, then maybe a few minutes of face time with your niece and nephew and other family members, then excuse yourself for your own things. And maybe also experiment with quiet hanging out, say being in the same large living room maybe computering or reading but not talking.

The summer can also be hard because it's chaotic and because other people may expect you to socialize more than you want to.

I am sorry about your school schedule. Please try and be open to things the new school may offer, and people here at WrongPlanet are often pretty good at coming up with schedule and school ideas.

And I like some zen. Now, I suppose zen can be viewed either as part of the religion of Buddhism, or as a philosophy, an approach, a set of skills. And I like this second way.

For example, the idea that bad feelings are often like an ocean wave, yes, they will rise but they will also fall.

Or, if I try to push a thought out of my mind, it might just give the thought more power. Instead, I try to just view it with zen detachment, take a deep breath, let it just kind of be there and float around. It's just a thought, there's a lot of different thoughts.

Mistakes are texture. I try and view it this way although this can be somewhat of a fiction. The 'mistake' opens the door to the next positive thing, how about that.

And go with what you have right now. By all means, keep video gaming. And at the same time, perhaps casually, maybe try and lightly experiment with other things as well.

AspieOtaku, you're a good person who is in there trying. Please stay with us, I mean here at WP and also here on the Planet Earth.

How about ASAN as one possible open door, although groups can be very disappointing at times? (disclosure: I am a potential leader in reserve for Houston, was not able to do the meetup organizing like I had hoped)
http://autisticadvocacy.org/chapters/

Anynym, welcome to Wrong Planet and please stay with us, too. Both here at the site and on the planet Earth.

Anyway you might look at Asperger's-Autism Spectrum acceptance like the early days of LGBT acceptance? Right now we are isolated and lonely, but we can connect with each other and we can build at the beginning just pockets of acceptance and appreciation and that's a start. Even though activism is disappointing.

I want jobs and writing groups and projects not just where I'm tolerated for being weird, but where I'm actively appreciated precisely because I am weird.

I guess the thing that I'm worried about pertaining to telling my counselor is that once I tell her, it'll be known forever. I can't take it back, and it'll draw a lot of attention to me and make me feel weird. People will be worried forever even if I get better. I already know that I'm always "on red alert," not just because of the suicidal thing and frustration, but also because I'm a very paranoid person. Once other people in my life know it too, they'll always view me as someone to be worried about, and it'll draw attention to me that I may not know how to respond to.

CJH123, you, too, are a good imperfect person in there trying, and it's better and more interesting being imperfect than perfect! Okay, with deep depression, a general practitioner once told my mother that depression can start off situational and become biochem. And to me that had the ring of truth. Although other times, it can just start off biochem.

I have not yet tried antidepressants, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. I mean, if I have a chemical imbalance with too little serotonin, a SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) may be just what I need. may literally be just what the doctor ordered.

The thing is, as above, it's trial and error in respectful sense, plus often important to phase down from medication when stopping or changing.

insurance people may be given a summary of your diagnosis or issues.

If someone from an insurance company inappropriately says something to you, be a poker player, and maybe say something like, yes, just like a lot of people, and you don't need to reveal more

There's some chance you will be asked and basically required to talk to another doctor, and basically you'd want to take it medium step by medium step as you get to know this other doctor.

Maybe. Or your counselor may feel she doesn't need to refer you or get a second opinion.

And please remember, people in general have a 'crazy side,' they really do. And people in general have thoughts of violence. And people run the mental tape and see that once again violence doesn't work out, so it's not the way to go. But the thoughts just as thoughts are okay.