Being Stalky Again

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I have been having more of my unpleasant thinking. It is relatively episodic, but now it seems thinking sanely is coming in short bursts out of a whirlwind of unpleasant thinking. I am thinking of trying to track down someone, which will get me in a load of trouble. I have been struggling with the termination of our friendship a while ago with this person. I am also confused about whether she thought of me as just a friend, or possible something more. Though I probably have ruined my chances of either by this point. I always feel like there is still hope. A hope I cling too with an unhealthy desperation. I feel like she should say something, that I don't want to believe anything unless she directly tells me. Reading some of her old WrongPlanet postings helps a little, she has stopped posting on what account I know of her for a while. I am struggling to remember all the events so I can have a proper view of things. I might upset her for posting this, but I need help, I need support. She has been supportive of me in the past, and avoidant of saying anything directly against me, for some reason she things its better if she does things that way, I don't. Maybe she still wants to be my friend in some way, and is confused how to. There is not much to do about that unless we are talking however, and I obsess over her too much. Though I have been working hard on controlling and recognizing my obsessive tendencies, recently I have begun struggling with them again.

I truly think I can be her friend again though. I am going to try and contact someone to see what kind of knee-deep-in-shit trouble I am in, maybe that will help me get a better grasp of things. I feel like there are mixed messages all around me, and I have no terms on which to negotiate something more solid for me to think about. I am really stressed. I am tired. I have been having nerve-racking pain and spasms. Almost like I am fighting the obsession even when I am obsessing, and the confusion hurts me. I am going to get what help I can though, from my psychiatrist, maybe a new therapist, and others.

I feel like I am left hanging, like I really don't know what is going to happen. Are we going to be friends again? Or is that merely a delusion. I am not sure anyone can convince me otherwise. I always feel a hope. Is it really possible to turn that into a real friendship? I think so. I want it that badly, I will make it happen no matter what is wrong with me given the chance. I just keep on ruining them. So is it wrong? I do not want to admit that, and I am not sure about her either. I wonder if we can really agree to anything one way or the other.

Please....for your own sake....please do not stalk her. Nothing will come it but torment for you, and possibly some legal trouble. One person isn't worth it!

I actually know from experience (no legal trouble, though). I was obsessed with a girl when I was aged 21 through 23. I would wait nightly for her calls for about 2 years. She had followed me home one day, wondering what I would be like in bed. I guess she found out: like any other 21-year-old. She didn't want to see me any more after; but I wanted to see her, to marry her, etc.

We worked together. For two years, I would sit in the subway car next to hers, just thinking about her. Then, one day,
I followed her to her subway stop. She said she was "cross" with me for doing that, with the implication that if I did that again, that she would call the cops. I never did that again.

The lesson learned: one person isn't worth all that torment! And it was torment! It screwed up my functioning. Fortunately, it didn't screw up my job, like it could have (as stated previously, we worked together).

Oh Atheist god, here I go again.

The one rule is that if she doesn't respond I shouldn't send her any more messages. I remembered and invoked that rule to stop me harassing her. She will get back to me. I know she will. Won't she? Why wouldn't she? We have so much we need to talk about. It would have been wrong for her not to get back to me, at least when we were both still in orchestra. But I wasn't following the rule. So I guess she decided to have someone get rid of me. In stead of doing it herself. Last I talked to her in person, she agreed we could talk about this. Its been a while, don't you want to talk to each other before we both die and are at the ivory gates of the atheist non-afterlife? Pearly gates, pah.

Well, I still think she will get back to me. She never filed a proper amendment to our friendship agreement. Too bad, so sad. I can't contact her again, but that doesn't cover writing things on WrongPlanet. I was going to discuss that with her, but we never got to that part. She posted things on WrongPlanet to communicate with me, but that doesn't mean I can contact her. Stupid rules. I will just post crap on WrongPlanet in stead.

So in conclusion, she'll get back to me any day now and we're going to be the best friends ever for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. If I follow her, won't that make things easier?

Don't do it. Don't do anything. It seems like very harsh advice, but --- move on. Mentally and emotionally move on. You have to put this person into the past. That's easier said than done but it HAS TO be done.

We have all had people in our lives who, for one reason or another, we have had to concede that no further relationship is possible there, and it would only be disastrous to keep trying. There's a saying "Flogging a dead horse." I have found from personal experience from both sides of the "yearning and pining" situation (I've been that person, and also someone else has done that and that stalking thing to ME) that it never works and only causes further damage.

As hard as it is to simply stop thinking about or feeling things for a person who is now out of your life, you must. When it's over, it's over.

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I don't like commenting too much on mental breakdown's in progress, but I am currently trying to figure out how I can let go of our friendship. There are multiple events to process. But I sort of have a conversation I had with her a while ago. I am unhappy in how I handled the situation then, it was kinda stupid. Not quite directly pointing out where it is, but look way back to the beginning of my posting history. I need to be more mature about something I see there. I can use that as a starting point to figure out where I am now. Though it has been quite a long time. I think I can count that conversation as her being direct with me, and try and process things from there. She has made what I would call references to me on WrongPlanet since then, and I am not pointing a finger at that account.

Thing is, I think we were getting somewhere rather recently with a reconditioning of our friendship, but I got upset because she still wasn't directly talking to me, and lost it, and kinda ruined things I guess.

I can kinda match up with what you say: there was someone on the Internet whom I found to be a very disturbing problem in need of fixing. Needless to say, it didn't end well.

I can at least try spending my time worrying about other things, she would want that. And I am not going to follow her or track her down or anything.