Something is taking hold of me, something insidious

Post Reply New Topic

I had major blow-ups in October/November 2012, December 2012, and August 2013 that got me hospitalized, but what's gradually blowing up now ain't gonna get me hospitalized, at least not yet. Let us just say that I have not worked even 8 hours in any of the past 3 weeks, using FMLA to cover. It happened when I found my preauthorization for SRS was "disallowed" on April 24. I stopped going to work for a week and a half. The day before I was to make my return to work on the first Tuesday of May, I received a phone call from the lawyer from the TLDEF who said he would enlist the services of a legal firm pro bono for me to fight this denial, on the condition that should we win my name, face, and story would appear on a press release on the website. That lifted my spirits somewhat, but on my "big return" day, I worked only 2 hours, I then missed the next 2 days, came in for Friday evening (where I'm generally the only person) to work a little over 3 hours and called out Saturday. I then called out this Tuesday, came in for 30 minutes on Wednesday and felt so detached from my work, like it had become meaningless, that I left right after and then called out Thursday (yesterday). Now on Friday, my therapist wants to know if I can work for when he submits an amended FMLA claim.

Can I work? I don't know, but something's going wrong again, but it's much more subtle this time. My psychiatrist, whom I just saw yesterday (Thursday), said he did not think it was clinical depression but that I was simply not handling the situation well, and he reluctantly put me on the antipsychotic Zyprexa after I rambled on about getting revenge on nature, which I took hours ago and it has not made me sleepy yet--Zyprexa used to always have a strong sedative effect on me, going all the way back to age 14 when I was first put on it, but now I can't sleep.

Most of the day, I lie in bed with a feeling of agony in my stomach and thoughts race through my head. I sometimes come on the Internet and get engrossed in reading about something which interests me, but I feel like I am beginning to something, but I don't know what. My therapist says I'm not as bad as when I was hospitalized, when things became acute, but this might end up having a worst effect, for the slow and insidious development of my symptoms might make the outcome even worse, which I recognize intellectually, but emotionally, due to a loss of meaning and any real grounding, I am actually quite indifferent, with only a small part of me expressing worry from time to time. I do wish to reach out to others, which is why I made this post.

I guess I'll have to see in the morning before giving my therapist the final answer.

am praying for you.

I hope things get better for you.Racing thoughts are miserable,you can't shut them off.

I hope all goes well for you.

I did some freezing just now and I'm not sure why. When I turned right into my apartment complex, I came to a complete stop and froze for a few seconds. Then as I started to think about lots of stuff, including what I needed to do to get back in the house and check my mail, I froze for a long time; it took rain drops to get me to turn my head up and to turn off the car. Everything seemed to be too much for my brain and it still took me a while after that to finally get going.

I know this may be the wrong choice of words, but don't take it that way ok? Man up! f**k a bunch of this s**t thats messing with your head. Go balls to the wall and fight it and win!

You are worth SO MUCH MORE than that s**t! Don't you never again let me hear of you letting this s**t get you down! You are so much better than this s**t! Get your head on right! You are a pretty girl who deserves more than this, and I mean that! So go out there, and grab the world by the balls and take what you deserve! I mean it!

I told my therapist Friday that I could not work.

I hope it works out favorably for you. the best luck comes from preparation.

Benefici, I am praying for you.

My fingers are crossed, I hope things go well for you.

^ This! Don't fear whatever this feeling, or whatever this thing is. Face it and work through it!

Since the lawyer from the TLDEF was considering using the time and resources of the TLDEF (to include hiring a law firm at no cost to me) to help me with my appeal, I have just given him fair warning that I might not be on that plan much longer, with FMLA running short and my therapist marking I can't work on the FMLA amendment. I said he could still interview me, but advised him to hold off committing the limited time and resources of the TLDEF, as they might be wasted on me.

If I understand this correctly, you might think the resources would be wasted and someone else who needs the help might not get it. I think you should still do the interview, because you need to take care of yourself first. That's not selfish - if you win, then you get the surgery and have a better chance of working, especially if the breakdowns and work issues are caused by this kind of stress. It will be more stressful to not have the surgery AND not have a job, so I think you should take this if you can get it.

My therapist thinks I'm just burnt out on the subject of surgery and how hard society has made it for me, how I have not been able to find adequate support in the trans community, and how I am now in danger of losing my job and livelihood.

He expects me to express anger, but anger will not express; instead, I am just burnt.

He said my affect was flat and concentration a little weak.

Last edited by beneficii on 19 May 2014, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, the lawyer didn't respond to the email today and the summer interns were today. As he thinks it probably that I might lose my job, and could not afford continuation coverage, he is probably starting to get cold feet, as the reality of my situation builds in. My therapist agrees, and he praised me for being honest with the lawyer about my current situation.

Were I to lose my job in the middle of the process of TLDEF paying legal fees to the law firm, then it would have been a waste of resources for the organization.

I told him I could guess my affect was flat because when it is, my face feels like a mask that is connected to my skull bones by glue that has the feel of Vaseline.