About two months ago I moved into one of those tiny aPODments in downtown Seattle. Before that I was living in the suburbs. The suburbs was cool because I didn't pick up drugs even when I felt like it. I just had no desire to get in my car and drive downtown to score.
Once I moved downtown it only took me four days to relapse. That was two months ago. I went from using once a week to four times a week. Of course now I'm flat broke. I've also been receiving outpatient therapy twice/week, but now that I've relapsed, I've been sent back to the 4x/week classes.
When I moved downtown my loneliness didn't change. I'm still as alone as they come, and when the night falls, I really feel the loneliness. I do go to AA/NA meetings but I really get nothing from them because I can't relate to the people or "higher power" concepts there.
One thing I do feel good about is my level of depression, which is, it's not so bad. I'm on Prozac and Wellbutrin and they really are keeping my spirits up. Social networking, meeting people, small talk, etc is extremely difficult for me. I'm like wallpaper when the meetings finish and people gather together afterwards to talk. Typically, I say nothing and just go home by myself. Another wasted meeting.
I will be homeless again at the end of September. At that time, while I'm in my car, I'll be looking into transitional housing. It's odd. I should really be feeling bad for myself but I feel optimistic. I am hoping to get on SSI so that's my beacon of light right there. All I can do is hope.
22 Jul 2014, 4:33 pm
