Attempting to contact a girl from the past: Bad idea?

Post Reply New Topic

Over-investing in the past will only increase the haunting influence of the ghosts that linger there. No amount of analysis can prepare one for such self-shattering tremors.

Edit.

Last edited by GWiz on 06 Sep 2014, 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Okay, should that be considered a "yes", "no", or "no comment"? Sorry, just kidding (but, only slightly). Anyway, I wouldn't be obsessing over the past, if it's the future I'm talking about, now would I? This was initially started as a step away from my parents, after all. Besides, what is it with the apparent claim that I'm the only one obsessing over the past, here? What part would she have in this situation. Does she have no "agency" of her own? Would she not have a say in whether this direction of mine is legitimate or not? Must I presume (on her behalf) that she doesn't know (or somehow, is incapable of knowing) that having any contact with a person like me is detrimental? And why is it such a foregone conclusion that this is the case. I mean, now that I've looked into this Facebook thing, it seems to be almost exclusively people interacting with others they knew from the PAST. Yet, I'm supposed to take it differently? Though, perhaps, that might be a reason to get off Facebook, there, regardless. Anyway, you guys certainly aren't helping me find an alternative subject to distract myself from this whole affair, if you cared so much for my not pursuing it (not that you have any obligation to, of course).

Also, (for those who might still care) about the question of whether or not I should ever bring up the encounter with her family, to see if she knows. Well, what do you think? And, I'd still like a tally on the subject of my chances here (not of stealing her away, just about finding out certain things, and remaining close)...if you're not too inconvenienced by it. Hell, maybe relationship sites or social guidance forums would help better, here. If you know any. Because, despite what I sound like here, I'm still rather hesitant with all this...though, less so after each step.

Oh, and "overinvesting", that's a tad presumptive. What if it's completely appropriately investing? That's something I would have to find out, of course. When someone says they're glad to hear from you when you had such sporadic and occasionally vague contact with them, to begin with, it's hardly a sign of stepping over any boundaries (yet). Well, to me, anyway. Besides, (potentially interestingly) there's this other girl from our school days who requested a "friend" status of me. And she was a girl that I had heard numerous times was into me (not to brag, again). And yes, she is married with kid's too. Just to give you an idea, she instantly replied after I made a comment to one of her pictures (leading me to think that she was attentively waiting for it), and she's one of the few of my more recent "friends" who tends to "like" things on my page, at that. But, I guess that I should stay away from her to, just to be consistant. After all, perhaps she doesn't have any moral agency of her own, either, right?

Again, though, the tally...if I might inquire? Sorry.

I think you should not entertain any hopes of having any kind of relationship with this girl.

This girl might have felt something for you in the past, but the chance to do something about it was back then. In my experience (things I have personally experienced, heard about others or just read about on the internet) when it comes to relationships women make their choices about mates on a pure emotional basis. You might have spurred an emotion in her back in the day, but now she has long forgotten the the way she felt back then. You can't logic your way into a relationship.

This thing what happened back then might be clear as day in your head but she has already forgotten it. That's because she has lived her life having new experiences every day and feeling lots of emotions about other men, who she has been in relationships with. Whileas you have not had any or very little new experiences, therefore the memory of this encounter is clear in your head.

I have personally gone through something similar after realizing months or even years after that some girl was interested in me back in the day. I also tried to establish contact again but either they don't respond at all or they hardly even remember me. Sometimes they can also be pissed that I didn't respond when they were showing interest in me and therefore ignore me in revenge.

I also have had a relationship, the way it started was that when my behaviour had aroused those emotions in her I acted and pushed things further when she was in that emotionally receptive state. Since then I established a bond between us, which essentially just means that she had a lot good emotions about me and being in my presence, so naturally she wanted to keep on experiencing them.

The sad truth is that, if a girl is showing you signs of interest you have to move things forward right there and then, not next week or next month. For aspies this is obviously difficult, but by learning mindfullness and to be present in situations it is possible to start noticing interest in real time and then to do something about it.

Gwiz, what's your end goal here? The honest truth? Where do you see yourself with this woman?

^^^
lol ikr, he keeps making these huge long posts in this thread every time he replies in it(i.e. "writing a book" on the subject)

Actually, it is kind of like journaling for me. Something in these experiences, inexplicably feels like it's going to be very important in the future. If you checked out my Facebook page you'd actually notice that a great many of my posts on various subjects are quite long, also. They can be overwhelming for the Facebook crowd, I'm sure. And perhaps annoying, I understand. There's just some massive attempt at catharsis on my part, all around. Maybe even the sudden urge that my time has come to exert a particular influence on the world around me. That things are about to happen. And I want to...I don't know...get in the good graces of the people who have impacted me positively, to bring them along with me on this journey, and not leave them behind. This, even as I wish to better decide what (or who) to abandon, for the same reason. And I may seriously be gambling on this (in the highest order) but I had this incredibly strong urge that she would feel something similar about who I may be. It was largely her attention, after all, that made me look at myself differently than I had before (even if only after the fact). When I think about it, that was likely the reason I even bothered to check on her at the time that I did, after all this time that has past. I'm reaching this sort of empass only now.

I honestly don't even know where I expect this to lead. Something is just telling me it has to be resolved, somehow. I understand this kind of thing may not have worked out positively for others, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something going on here that isn't the typical situation. Serendipity, perhaps. That's why I feel like I may be in the right when I explore this further. I feel like there are extraordinary circumstances that are calling out to me, and these circumstances will not just be felt by me, but also others (and certain others at that). I know, this may seem insane, perhaps. But it's quite frankly a stronger feeling than anything I've felt before. And I would even say it is intricately related to an experience I had four years ago, or so, where I felt a call to a higher purpose. Now I've been putting that off for this long, and it's only backing me up inside. I've been keeping even more to myself, just in case I am insane and I could hurt others with my ideas. But, recently, things have made me start to feel that, instead, I may be allowing people to be hurt by not influencing them. This, is more in the general sense, and I'm not saying it's strictly in the direction of this girl, necessarily. But, I may be just mistaken on where this urge is leading me, and only assuming she has something to do with it (as I'd certainly prefer if I had a reason to associate with her over most others).

You can say that this is obviously a part of that experience that I had years ago, and that that whole thing was just a "breakdown" and this, now, is just it's climax. But all the senses I've grown accustomed to, and finally feel I've got a handle on, are telling me otherwise. I know this sounds odd, and may even convince yet more of you that I am not the kind of person that should be in any contact with someone like this. I just don't think I'm wrong here. Believe me, it would be easier if I was. As that line from near the end of the theme song for the series "Monk" goes..."I could be wrong now...BUT I DON'T THINK SO!" Though, I could still be wrong on certain details, I'm sure (as I'm only now coming to terms with my senses). I've never felt more correct about so many things. I guess I could be tempered in that perception, soon.

Now that I think about it. If you sense something is going on, then go for it. But you should be prepared to face emotional turmoil if things don't go the way you think they should go.

If you go for it be prepared to be seriously emotionally hurt (since you probably have built an imaginary relationship with this girl already, I used to do that a lot so I know this stuff). But eventually if you deal with the hurt correctly it will pass and you have learned some very important lessons about women and yourself as well.

Because this seems to be one of those things that you just have to experience yourself to really and truly know what it is about. I think you alluded to this in your last post (I only skimmed through it). Also I understand the feeling very well since I have experienced it myself as well.

So go for it, but be prepared for the worst.

Well, that was a little too much the other way. Almost too encouraging. I actually intend to be very careful in anything I do. I'm just trying to gauge how to move forward, really. I'm playing this as I go, still. But, I am mellowing just a little bit on any thought about going too far with her. Maybe I'll come to terms with a more distant relationship, after all. I do think I would be destroyed if I did actually assert an intent to have a major relationship with her and she rejected me. So, I'm still taking all steps as slow as I can manage to allow myself. I just want to test the water from different angles. I might not even explore the deep end. I rarely do in these sorts of situations (unless now is different). But, in that vain, would asking her about whether she did get word of my encounter with her family be drowning myself, here? You know, to apologize for how weird it may have seemed, and for my potentially (mild) rude response towards her family's kindness. Or would that be a a bad place to go, on the chance that she didn't know, and would be turned off by finding out? Though, I was just thinking back to recently. Some days before my request she shared someone's link on her page about the subject of people who you haven't seen in years who talk to you like time hasn't changed a thing after you hear from them again. And I wasn't sure if that may have been vaguely directed at me on Facebook (which would indicate that she had heard of me looking for her, perhaps). Though, again, that may be some serious projecting. Finding out that she hadn't heard would certainly settle that suspicion, I'd think.

Okay, it might be just a little bit more complicated, now (though, I could be overreacting). It's just kind of happening in real time. Which is why I'm going to ask that whoever may care to advise me here, do so relatively quickly. Let's just say that I'm not noticing any more emoticons, lately. I wrote back saying that when I was checking to see if she may have made a mistake in "friending" me or didn't know who I was, it was only because she was my first attempt to "friend" anyone outside my family and I was just nervous about any response from anyone from the old school days. And she responded to say it really wasn't a big deal, she's "friends" with most of our classmates (yeah, just my luck). She said she liked my kind words, and she does have her hands full (as I had mentioned that I was well aware). The more complicated part happened when I inquired if I could ever ask some questions at any point in the future. She said "sure", she would be honest, but that she may decline to answer a few. This got me nervous. Had she read something disturbing in this question? It seemed she was already anticipating something she wouldn't like. I thought I had to salvage this, just in case she did. I said it was very much appreciated that she has taken the time to respond so quickly to my messages, even as she must have the attention of so many others on Facebook to attend to. And she must have impressive prioritizing skills. I said I just didn't want to continuously bug her with these questions without telling her about my intent to ask her any, first. I also inquired (probably, in a bad move) as to why she might suspect she wouldn't be able to answer a few of them. If I had somehow given off a bad vibe, and that I tend to miss those things. Though, I then said she didn't have to bother answering that part. She responded that she actually doesn't get many messages on Facebook. She communicates by texting her friends, and of course, her husband. She mentioned that she's the treasurer of her kids' school's organization and she's quite heavily involved in that. She is open and honest, and if she feels uncomfortable at any point she'll just say it. She said her kids and family are her highest priority and anything else is just extra. She said she just finds it courteous to be open at responding. As she had much experience with it while working in an office. Needless to say, it seemed she had suddenly become more business like. She said it was just a habit of hers to keep prompt with responses (again, just my luck). I think she was obviously starting to show that she may still be strained, here, even if she is patient. I was also starting to think she may be annoyed by the length of my messages (as you can probably imagine). I responded that I guess prioritizing was a talent of hers, after all. And I hope I wasn't starting to grate on her. She wouldn't deserve that. This was all on me. It was due to my inability to prioritize. I'm just slow like that. And any perception that she may be acting impatient was due to my typical oversensitivity.

Anyway, I guess I'm probably more likely to leave her alone, sooner than later, after this. But I've already established that I have an intent to ask her questions. So, don't I now have an obligation to settle this particular exchange, regardless? To go silent now would be particularly rude. Or to take too long. As I may, very well, be trying her patience already. Which is the problem. If I ask her the question about whether she had heard that I met her parents, and it turns out she didn't know, this current possible tension would cause me to be painted rather negatively, I would think. But, I just wanted to know, so I could apologize to her parents for my strange behavior and send my appreciations to them. Yet, she hasn't brought this incident up to me, herself. Which may indicate she doesn't know. So, the chances that this would be a shock to her could easily be a possible reason to be (even more) turned off by my messaging. I certainly can't just come up with some other stupid question just to cover this up. So, should I just go through with it? I can just say I met them, but not the circumstances. I can leave it at that. And if she does know, and also knows some of the details in which it occurred, already, I can clarify as to what I had been doing back then. I just think I have to do something here, no? When I think about it now, this whole thing started just to settle the way I've been seen by certain others after that incident with her family. This could conclude a lot of that. Which is why I think it's important. Is there any salvaging this situation (if it's as strained as I perceive it may be)? I'd like to know...as soon as possible.

Last edited by GWiz on 10 Sep 2014, 5:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not to be annoying here too. But I'm going to insist that anyone who might consider helping with this come in soon. I really don't want to test her patience any further. Should I ask about the incident with her parents? Or, maybe I could just ask if she checked out my page yet. Just...something. Sorry for any pressure.

You are over-reacting. When she messaged you, I don't think that she intended anything more than being friends with you. If she hasn't blocked you on Facebook, then she still considers you a friend. I wouldn't bring up that incident with her parents if I were you. If you want to catch up with her sometime then that's fine but don't expect anything more than friends.

Thanks. So, I shouldn't ever bring it up, though? It was actually going to be my first question. Should I just bring up another, less peculiar question, now (like the question of whether she likes my page)? Maybe then I could gauge whether to bring up that incident. After all, she might still get word of it if she didn't know. I'm just afraid that if she eventually does, she'll start to get a bad idea after these messages I've been (possibly) kind of annoying about sending. They'll seem worse in retrospect. Whereas, if she knows now, I'd simply be able to find out, and be more calm about this. I'd know that this knowledge may be peppering her interpretation of this exchange already. Then I'd start to keep more quiet, from here on in. But, regardless, I think I'll try to come up with a more innocuous question, and gauge the reaction. The advice is appreciated. Still, is there anyone else who might have any input?

If I could, I'd give you a big pat on the back and smoke a cigarette with you. No one deserves what you're going through.

I hope you find peace.

Thanks, but I don't smoke. That's appreciated, none the less. It actually doesn't seem that I'm suffering when I think about this in retrospect. In fact, it seems just the opposite. I'm just a little anxious, in the mean time. Still, I have suspicions that the path to peace, for me, is actually in this direction, somewhere. I'm actually releasing much of my tension, lately. I don't think I'm getting worse, necessarily. People have tended to say much the same thing about many of my Facebook posts...namely, that I must be thinking too much and quite exhausted. Really, it's just buildup. It's the appearance of things long overdue, finally being accomplished. At least, if I'm not insane.

But, anyway. I had said to her that I was trying to take my time and I didn't want to get all my questions done in one sitting. It indicated to me that she saw the message, and she didn't respond negatively (technically, at all). But, thinking about that, I'm somewhat confident that I can take my time broaching certain issues with her without her being too aggravated. At least, I hope so. I'm not sure. I'm not looking at it as quite as serious an option as before, but, I'd still like to know whether the first question (or any of them) could still be about the incident with her family. It would help me out. Though, I'm looking more favorably on the simple question of whether she has seen my page, and whether she found anything interesting about it. But, I'd think, that would not warrant such a delay in messaging her. Maybe it's just not as bad as I'm afraid it is. Her next response could be more cordial. Which is why my first question could be important...as well as the speed in which I get to it.

I'm really confused what kind of insight you're trying to get.

You're stalking a married and pregnant woman that you have no history with, short of finding her attractive.

You need to block her, make no attempts to contact her and forget anything about this. You can twist your words, write 5 paragraphs trying to find the slightest justification to what you want, and at the end of the day, it's still stalking and one of the most socially unacceptable things you can do. You cannot possibly justify this and you need to wake up and realize how unhealthy this obsession you have with her is.