Parents Getting Divorced

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I just found out that my parents are getting divorced a few days ago.

My mom's running off to live with some dude several states away. My dad is staying where he is, somewhat near where I currently live. My mom is trying to pressure me into moving there with her, and my dad is trying to pressure me into moving back in with him. They're bribing me and everything. I feel like a ten year old in a custody case but I'm f*****g 22. And I can't stay neutral because not moving would mean staying near my father. I could move somewhere in between them, but that would be silly (Plus I'm still partially dependent on them.). I can't decide based on where I want to live, because I don't really like where I am now, where my mother is going doesn't seem much better, and where my dad lives is a horrible s**thole in the middle of nowhere filled with nutjobs.

I'd feel terrible leaving my father here alone. He's f*****g devastated. He's talking about how lonely he'll be, he's smoking again, apparently he's not eating much, he's running off to cry (and I've literally never seen him cry before), and I'm concerned for his health. Meanwhile, my mother is incredibly upbeat and chipper about the situation. She's the one who told me, and she basically said, "Your dad and I are separating. I'm moving across the country with Captain Johnny and his kids, you wanna come?" She acts as if I'm being unreasonable in being upset over this. Are adults supposed to just take this in stride? When they're together it's just surreal because they act as if nothing has changed.

I'm "closer" with my mother. I can actually hold a conversation with her. With my dad it's mostly awkward small talk mixed with long awkward pauses. Maybe it could be an opportunity to get to know my father...Or it could be the most horribly awkward time of my life. But I also hold more resentment for my mother...But then she has much better bribes...

My lease ends in about three months I think, so I have to decide where I'm going by then, but I have no idea what I'm going to do. My mom is moving sometime at the end of the month, and wants me to fly out with her, so I guess I'll have to meet Captain Johnny soon as well.


I usually don't do things like this, but my solution of a lot of vodka and weed isn't working very well today (Plus I'm almost out of vodka. ), so I thought I'd try out this "talking" thing I hear speak of. I had a more cogent post in mind but then I had another shot and another hit and then it turned out like this. Sorry.

I wish I had something more helpful to say. The situation really sucks, and I feel for you.

At this point, you have to make decisions on what is going to benefit you and help you achieve your goals and increase your independence as an adult (I'm assuming that is important to you.)

Is one parent going to help you to become your own person? Is one parent going to tend to hold you back or make you feel like they need you (in an unhealthy way)?

I realize that you are going to feel like you are "ditching" one parent or another. But this is not true. What is true is that one or both of them are ditching the other. *They* are the ones that have broken up the marriage, both in your mom's leaving and in whatever else was going on to lead up to this point. *They* are responsible for their own lives. And now, you, as an adult, are responsible for yours.

If you want to be near one of them, go be near the one who will help you grow. If you don't want to be near either of them, live wherever you want. If you want to stay near where you are but don't want to live with your dad, don't move in with him.

You don't have to explain your decisions to them, either.

Is Captain Johnny his real name?

My parents got divorced twice, the first time when I was 6 and my dad sold the house we lived in so we were homeless (my mom and 7 kids). Then my mom married him again! He was a really good dad, just always wanted to smush my mom's spirit and that got in the way of his common sense sometimes. Well obviously they were not meant to be together so when I was 13 they got divorced again!

All that is to say, I feel your pain. Hope it gets better for you. At least they both love you and want you to be with them. That's something.

I feel for you. Seems as if there is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer to this one. Is the situation such that if you change your mind you can, or are you 'stuck' with whichever one you choose?

I don't really know. I can't imagine my mother being too needy, as she's so happy about the situation and will be living with someone. My dad is normally rather distant and reserved, so it's hard to see him being clingy. But I can't really predict how this is going to effect him. He's not very familiar with household chores, shopping, etc. (not that I am), and I'd be pretty much the only one in the area for him to talk to, so it has the potential to go badly. To be honest, I kind of worry about him turning into Bill Dauterive, haha.


I don't think I can avoid explaining. I'm already getting emails asking for an explanation of why I haven't told them my decision yet.



No, the only thing I was told about him was his name and military title, so that was my censored version.


Well, now my troubles seem trivial by comparison. Sorry you had to go through that.



I think I could probably change my mind without too many problems, beyond the awkwardness and probably my mother passive-aggressively slandering me. But one of the bribes was actually tuition, so accepting that would commit me to it. That bribe is a problem in itself. It's hard to turn down, but it actually comes from my mother's boyfriend, and giving strange men financial control over me seems like a horrible idea.


Thanks everyone. I'll have to a̶v̶o̶i̶d̶ thinki̶n̶g̶ about it some more.

I think your mom is being unreasonably selfish in her decision. I'm sure she has her reasons for getting divorced, justifiable or not, it's not fair to drag you along in her desire for a new life. It's up to you to make your own decision, regardless, your dad could probably use the support. Your mom is the one making the decision to change her life, you can visit her if you so choose, or she can come back.

Well I would say grab that free education, except that it coming from Captain Johnny is a kind of weird. Hopefully Captain Johnny isn't one of those military fanatics (like that guy in This Boy's LIfe). But you aren't a kid anyway, you have some autonomy.

I don't really think your situation trivial compared to mine or anyone's, you're in a tough spot now, you've got to figure out what to do. From your perspective right now, this could have the same impact as if you were getting married seeing as you might end up dependent or stuck.

Maybe you should take Captain Johnny up on the school thing but got to some kind of trade school that is faster and that is almost guaranteed to get you a job. One that would suit your personality (which would be what)? THen no matter what happens between them, you will always be independent. You could do some research on jobs that won't be going away any time soon and see which one fits you.

Working full time with autism is difficult to say the least, but it's better than always being dependent on the government or your parents for money. It's very nice to have your own roof over your head where nobody can tell you what to do.

I'm at my parents' house again. I kinda decided under duress that I was gonna move in with my dad, and my mom seemed to be going along with it, but then today she started trying to guilt trip me, then my dad got home and we participated in our last family act, getting drunk and crying together, then going for a walk, then they danced and it seemed like a good ending, but then I started crying again and my mom talked to me and then my parents got into an argument and I f****d s**t up, and my dad asked me if I wanted to [walk over with him while he smokes] and I did and then we drank more and he told me to say stuff to my mom to try to get her to stay and I did but it didn't get her to change her mind, but it kinda made her less pissed off. And god that was a "run on sentence" but WTF, I'm still a little drunk.

It turns out that she's never even met the guy, he's just some internet creep, but she did mention something about him moving up here so she could be near me, so that would be nice.