Why do I feel like I want to die?

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Why do I think about dying allot of the time? My Autism is mild and there are times I wish it was more severe. People just think I'm odd, clumsy. have lack of common sense, have no life. People do not understand that I have AUTISM. Most people think it is a childhood disorder. Because I have a job, drive a car, and I'm buying the house I live in I'm just a weird old lady. I live alone with 2 cats and 1 dog. I avoid my neighbors as much as possible. I spend endless hours on the Internet researching a few subjects that interest me. If I could work at home I would. People really annoy me most of the time. Do to the fact that I spend 60 hrs a week surrounded by co-workers and customers I have severe anxiety issues. Because of this I eat allot. If I were not exposed to all of the people I would not eat very much. At the end of most days I just wish I would die. If I'm lucky maybe a meteorite would crash into my house or a car would drive into it and run me over. When I mow the grass I walk a little ways into the street hoping someone would hit me and people would think it was a accident. I think allot about ways to die that would be viewed as a accident. I love my dog but I think someone else could care for him better then I do.

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed, particularly by work. It seems the environment is not fitting right with you and that is contributing to your anxiety as well as the feelings of wanting to die.

Because you're depressed.

Pretty textbook.

I don't know how to help you. Really I don't. I'm in the same boat, only with more to lose (spouse, kids, friends that I don't really want to deal with the complexities of any more). It's a depressing situation when coping with your life has you at the end of your tether and no one seems to realize or care that you are, to be quite frank, giving your all and quite frankly overextended as it is.

I could suggest, of course, talking to a professional about the way you're feeling (it's nice at least to have someone to listen and/or commiserate). I will wish you luck in finding one that understands, and will not instead make the problem worse by misunderstanding.

Don't beat yourself up for eating too much. Oh well. Almost everyone does SOMETHING unhealthy for the soothing value. There are drunks, and hoarders, and people with morphine addictions, and people who snort Ritalin just to keep up with their lives. People who kick others and put them down just for the relative high. Compulsive shoppers and people, like my neighbors, who have to prop up their egos with expensive new toys and by making sure that no one on the block has shorter grass than they do. Personally, I smoke a quarter pack of cigarettes a day and pour my heart out to the Internet. So you eat too much, and maybe you have big ol' thighs and a wide rear to go with the autism. You and 60% of America, plus or minus the autism. Yes, being overweight will kill you-- we all have to die of something. Society engages in enough fat-paddling these days, like being able to jam yourself into low-rise Size 10s at 40 somehow improves your value as a human being.

Give some thought to a couple more cats, or a rescue dog. Is there someone out there who could care for them better?? Probably. Somewhere there is that perfect person who cooks for their pets and makes sure their appointment at the groomer's is exactly 48 hours before their quarterly physical. Meanwhile, all too many four-leggeds are dying for lack of someone to care for them AT ALL.

Give yourself a break.

I hope you come here often. Here you'll find thousands of people just like you. In my life that's an excellent antidote to the hours with critical people that cause the anxiety.

Please come back often. Have a look at the forums. Jump in. And welcome!

It sounds like stress to me--constant anxiety. When I get overwhelmed, my first thought is that, "I wish I were dead." I am frequently overwhelmed so I think about it a lot. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to (not necessarily a therapist, just anybody that you can talk about day to day stress with or ask for practical help)? Maybe that will help you deal with it better and feel less hopeless. That is what snaps me out of that kind of thinking.

Thanks! You made me laugh....

I have had depression since childhood and I don't have anybody to talk to about it a lot, nobody that will tolerate talking about it that much and anyway I have trouble voicing it all and I will change what I am saying and feeling to suit the other person's perceptions. Alexithymia I guess. I am just better at writing than talking and write more than I talk.

Have you ever kept a journal? I am writing my 11th now. Started in fifth or sixth grade I think. I write about anything, even mundane things like "I have to pay the water bill today." Takes a lot of time, but it helps with organizing thoughts and sifting through feelings and situations. Gets it out without anyone else filtering for you. Also I think it brings the things that are most on your mind to prominence. I use gel pens, different colors. Makes it more appealing and especially the glitter gel pens. When I get stuck, I find myself looking at the glittery page I have written and it helps to make the thoughts more clear or slow them or anchor them so I can keep going. I imagine while writing that I am talking to someone I really like. No one else reads it so there is no chance that someone will tell you you are dramatizing or wrong for feeling or thinking a certain way. No one will tell you that because they couldn't tell you were upset that you weren't. That sort of thing.

I don't mean to offend, but I think anyone with depression (me included, you are very much not alone here), should start a journal with sparkly glitter gel pens. I think I will do that. At least, if one day things should turn even worse and I off myself, people will find an explanation- and be confused again by its presentation. (mind you, I'm a heterosexual male with a rational attitude - I guess, the higher amount of cats one owns is, the less confusing glittery gel pens would be for those left behind)

Good advice here. For myself, it's hard to journal. When I do, I rip the pages up in tiny pieces. Journals make me feel exposed, like a weak chunk in the armor. I can't help feeling like people are waiting for that exposed weakness, to take me down for good.

I live in an apartment and I wouldn't keep a journal because I'm certain the janitor will read it.

But I have found it beneficial to create a private blog with no readers and add to it every day. I love writing. And I get a poetry quote for each entry, and a clipart or similar. The whole thing is so pleasant to work on, and cathartic, that I feel better. Except, of course, that I'm certain the CIA will read it. <heavy sigh> But the CIA won't blab it around my apartment building. I think.

My old ones stay locked in my cedar chest. I rarely left my current one lying around in the open. I figured my dad would read it out of curiosity and for the sake of drama, not out of any fatherly inclinations. Nowadays, I am prone to venting about my husband sometimes in them and if he read them, it could be very, very bad. Also, they are very, very private. I am so exposed in those things, but it's better than holding it all in and exploding or imploding. And I don't want anyone to read them and start to "pathologize" or psychoanalyze me or think how childish I might sound. Journaling doesn't do a lot of good with very deep, deep depression (I couldn't maintain the journal at those times) but it helps with the daily, exhaustion type depression and loneliness and plain thought overload. I think so much more than I say that just thought and idea overload is a problem for me and it does contribute to depression when I can't say all the things I really want to say and express to people.

My other problem, which I am realizing here that I am not the only one, is that I have difficulty taking comfort from others; it's like there is a doubt or distrust or some lack of connection to where talking to someone else about things doesn't really comfort me in the long run. I then worry more because I replay their facial expressions, their words, and tones over and over again, wondering what it all really meant and if I walked away feeling a little better, but maybe they faked their caring? What if that expression they made was because they thought I was mentally ill or not a "whole" person? What if that movement they made was them trying to show me that they were getting tired or wanted to end the conversation? Then the next time I see them I worry about how I am supposed to act. Should I act happy and normal so they can see I am carrying on with my life? Should I act a bit muted so that they don't think I am wildly vascillating between okay and not okay? Am I expected to talk about it again or not? Am I supposed to say I am okay if they ask about it or am I supposed to tell the truth? Do they really care or want to know or are they hoping I won't bring it up again and just asking about it to be polite? People really expect me to talk about something once and then be over it I suspect because they don't want to deal with it. But it doesn't work that way and journaling is my best outlet. And I can "talk" to God too about things as much as I need to or want to because I can believe that He wants to know about it and cares about it.

And people like to touch you to try to relay comfort. Well, that really makes things worse for me because then I can't talk or don't know how to act in response to the touch. Not to mention that sensory issues can go off the charts when under emotional strain.

Maybe you relate to these things.

hmm. for me, I don't trust other people's judgement. be it about my work (I'm a 'creative') or on a better outlook on things.
I once had a girlfirend I trusted, because she would tell me if I was drawing badly. But even with her, when she tried to cheer me up, I had problems trusting her.
Turns out, at some point, someone whose judgement I did not really care about, as she would call everything I do 'amazing', out of politeness, I assume, started shouting at me that I was right, that things looked dark and that the world was a horrible place and such.
And it had a strange effect. I felt relieved. For once, I felt I was not pathologically wrong in my perception.
It allowed me to accept a status quo and look forward fro this point, instead of having to constantly re-evaluate my views- which was spiraling me eer deeper into rumination.
I'm wondering if aspergers need a more rational 'cheering up', one that is not based on empty phrases like 'things will be fine', whereas you know they won't be- it automatically makes me want to argue that things are even worse.

I can definitely relate to that. I don't get anything much and certainly nothing lasting from people telling me nice, empty phrases and platitudes. Those to me just make me think they don't understand or don't care or are just being dismissive and actually heighten my anxiety. I need to hear DETAILS about why something won't happen and I need to really "hash out" all the details and all the possibilities. Oddly, when I am really anxious about something, just having someone actually tell me the bad thing I fear will happen, takes away the anxiety and I think, "Well, that's stupid. That's highly unlikely to happen." But I don't usually get to that point til I have been "ruminating" and analyzing all the possibilities and variables for quite some time. I have OCD, so sometimes too I actually have to tell people the exact wording I need to hear to confirm to my "rational" side. And watching and hearing the other person's reactions can actually confuse my own perceptions of myself and the world. I think we are really looking for validation over reassurance often.

I draw portraits of children usually (adults hide so much and I have trouble capturing them) and I write fiction. I don't need anyone to tell me if it's good or not. I know if something is bad when it is bad. Perfectionism and attention to detail and just that satisfaction you get from doing the "work" are enough. It actually annoys me when people tell me it's good when I know it isn't. But I do like to hear appreciation when it is good and someone else says so. For a long time, drawing was my strongest way to make an emotional connection to another person and to express myself. And with the writing, I know where all the weak spots are and all that, I need to know if people are getting the right impression about the characters and what they are anticipating with the plot.

I hate that word "amazing"; it is used far too loosely these days. There are very few man-made things that can qualify as "amazing" and that word certainly never applies to a person and yet people use it constantly. So annoying and silly that it makes me mad. I actually took a break from FB for a while and that word "amazing" had a lot to do with it It became a trend on FB to tell people how "amazing" they were. I guess another thing is the words that are used. If they use a word in a way that isn't accurate, they lose a lot of credibility to me. Use rational words rationally. Yes.

I guess that's why therapy is more useful- because there's someone being paid to listen, acknowledge the problem and help you find a way from there onward, not negotiate away the problem.
That, or a very good friend who doesn't shy away from talking straight. we all have one of those, right?




I had a nice evening drinking with a french artist once and we both were wondering: if 'amazing' is the new 'nice'- what do english-speakers say to express their awe in front of something that is actually 'awe-'some?

I don't know, but words seem to get emptier and emptier these days.

I don't know, but words seem to get emptier and emptier these days.