Family Disconnect Comes to a Head

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I've been known as having Asperger's for a long while now (close to fifteen years). It was actually my parents who tried to see if they could find if my "difference" had a name. They were, surprisingly, quite accepting of it. It even gave them (as well as me) closure. We pretty much had less stress all around (as opposed to more) after that.

Anyway, it kind of evolved that they didn't care if I went to college after graduation and let me just do with a part time job (that I was brought into by a guidance counselor), though I did "experiment" with taking a few courses here and there. But I really didn't care to have a continuous higher education in the manner that I had observed they were conducted. Besides, I eventually came to the conclusion that college is a scam, so I was almost thankful I didn't go through the "motions".

If I think about it, I don't really know if my parents thought I had a disability that required I be kept away from further educational strain and so were deliberately "soft" on me to "protect" me, or what. They did appear to expect my younger siblings to go to college. I don't know if that was a sign that they favored them, either...though I doubt it, as words like "gifted" and "talented" were bandied about, with regards to me, perhaps, the most often of anyone in the family. My siblings went to college, but both didn't last in their attempts to live on their own while attending. So they are still at home now, though one is about to attempt living alone again.

Anyway, as you may have guessed, I'm still living at home. I still have the the same part time job...the only job I've had. Not very independently capable, as you can imagine. And that's where my big problem is at the moment. I'm in the dilemma of being significantly turned off by my family with, at least, the impression that I have no means out.

I guess it started with a kind of disconnect about four years ago. I had what I called a "breakdown" (though that was what I called it to make it easier for my family and others). But the way I interpreted it was as an "awakening"...a horrible awakening to the way the world really works. Real conspiratorial, I guess you could say. I had viewed a number of particular YouTube videos when this mindset was "induced" in me. And so I tried to see if I could replicate this process with the appropriate "configuration" of videos with my parents. But they looked at me baffled, and this was exactly when I felt that they needed to understand me the most. After all this time, now our ways of thinking were diverging in a disturbing manner.

They even chuckled a little at my distress. And that is when I got the notion that perhaps they did know what I was talking about and that they were just deceiving me...and even delighting in it. I even entertained the possibility that I was in Hell (and had always been in Hell) and that they were merely the demons closest to me.

Though, strangely (and perhaps just as disturbingly), the reason I didn't go headlong into that conclusion was that the experience gave me a sense of purpose in regards to the subjects of those videos. A "destiny" kind of thing. Even if my parents were going to be opposed to me, they couldn't impede me because things were just too coincidental to be misread. See, I had had scattered ideas about the world that I put together like a jigsaw puzzle. Most almost seeming like they came from outside my mind (though not at all literally). If only in the sense that I was stuck on them in a way far beyond what I thought the conditions of my education would incline me towards.

And I finally had a "click". These ideas that had come about inexplicably in my mind were so much like what was now being "confirmed" to me that there was no way they were wrong. Because it was like spending a lifetime putting together a key, not knowing what it's pieces were, and finally having a door put in front of you and the pieces you constructed actual opening the door. Or like getting a message from space in increments of binary code and a portal device resulting from the effort to decode it. Simply beyond chance. All those years were not wasted. I was decoding important information the whole time. And the result fell to my hands like Excalibur...Dutifully and with purpose.

Yet I couldn't communicate any of this in a meaningful way to the people closest to me. They were being left behind. I felt it necessary to rest and hope this would all wear off, just in case I was hallucinating it all (though I know I wasn't, unfortunately). Now I was in a place of purpose with equal paralysis (and have been until recently).

So I went to counseling, all the while still trying in vain to show my parents a glimpse of the truth. After all, If I don't have the communication skills to reason with my family, how am I going to handle strangers, in the future? The counseling was alright when it came to catharsis, and generally complaining about my family. But after a year or two I realized I wasn't able to get to the gist of my direct sensory experience from the "breakdown". So I quit. Only now seeing the counselor again to address my most recent problem with my family. Which is where the situation has come to a head, so to speak.

My sister has had a relationship with her boyfriend (a rather "low-rent" boyfriend, at that) for just over two years. And in that two years, or so, she has already had two (shall we say) "incidents" in the type that involves the result of two people...and not going through with that result. I openly use this fact against her in moral arguments and such. And, one night, one of these arguments involving said fact escalated to an extreme point. My mother, not taking kindly to my yelling, felt an instinctual need to defend my sister regardless of her position (as she has a lot, recently, to my consternation). By the time the argument reached it's climax, I exclaimed that I now fully believe that my mother and family believe that I am right in most or all of these arguments I have with them. Also insinuating that they understood what I meant during that "breakdown" years ago and the nature of my "purpose" after it and that they are merely denying the facts (and me) in some attempt to avoid the consequences.

But that's not the end. After a day of not speaking to anyone in the house (a practice I have recently taken up for various periods at least twice before in the last year), I found in the house computer search history (without trying) evidence that another "incident" has occurred with my sister. Utterly at a loss for the ridiculousness inherent in this possibility, I asked my mother, and she confirmed it. She then acted confused at my reaction. To me this was absurd to a cartoonish degree. But she seemed to be more accepting of it than at any other time. As if she was resolved...or, more likely, defeated emotionally. And, quite frankly, I'm in the opposite position. And am more eager than ever to take a stand in some way. My brother got involved. Feeling the need to say that my confrontational attitude is just an excuse to hide that I'm a loser. My sister even had the audacity to say that I'm destroying the family...and enjoying it!

The argument culminated with a pair of ridiculous statements from my brother. He said that being silent actually does "solve" the problems around us. And when I said to all of them that the way they are going is headed dangerously close to a position where I would call them my enemies (philosophically speaking). He actually responded, point blank, with the statement "I'm fine with that". There is no defense at that for me from my mother (who just a week or so before told me how much everyone she knows loves me and I have nothing to worry about in social situations). Indeed, there was actually a tacit look of approval. Then it all came back to me. When they were chuckling during my "breakdown" and opposing me all those other times. Who would say they were fine with being my enemy except someone who already saw themselves as such even before I did.

I concluded that they are all vicious liars and resolved to not speak with them for as long as I can help it. Over the night I simply wrote a letter enumerating my intents and my view of them, and left it on the dinner table. And since then I haven't shown myself to them for more than a second or two and even ignore them when they attempt to talk to me.

This is going on eleven days. But I'm sure it can't continue. And I don't want to give in this time (hence the reason I "formalized" my position in a letter). I need a practical way to leave the family while I'm still sorely underdeveloped in social skills and means.

I was entertaining the notion of purchasing an electric scooter even before this happened, to aid in my mobility outdoors (while still lacking a driver's license). And I'm certainly more eager to do it now, than ever. Though I still feel like I'm heavily lacking in skills when it comes to money matters. And would probably need advice.

Which is a part of the crux of my post. I was wondering if there were any "aspies" who have gone through similar peculiar disconnects with their families. Indeed if there are also any who have gone through this while coping with the strangeness of an "awakening" as I have described. It would be good if there was a possibility of physically meeting with such people (preferably if they are in the Westchester, NY area, for easier contact). And if not, of course any advice from anyone here would be very much appreciated.

The funny thing is, I was finally breaking through to my parents with regards to the YouTube videos before all this went down.

The average WPer's view of family; can't live with them, can't divorce them. Time and bandwidth constraints preclude me spewing my own travails in this matter but I can tell you that you weren't the first and won't be the last to come to the realization that sharing a surname and DNA can be toxic. In some [ahem] situations the hive mind will cajole and threaten one's livelihood as well as boast of how easily they can manipulate the already corrupt legal system and apply psychiatric abuse against one whose crime is having a neurological variation. Your handwritten communications with them stating your sentiments could possibly backfire against you leaving you homeless or confined somewhere against your will. I would state anything that has to be said to them as in the form of a business contract from here on in, unless they happen to apologize

Alright, so there has been quite a bit of development since the last post. I considered contacting people that I once knew (one in particular), but also extended family. A cousin who I had mild trouble finding until I finally setup an account on Facebook. Anything to aid in the distancing from my parents. I still haven't openly communicated with any of these others just yet. I was just searching people on the internet for names I could remember. To find a potential middle ground between moderate familiarity and complete unfamiliarity. So as not to have to go through a more laborious and time consuming process of contacting complete strangers, if I can avoid it. I went to see the counselor (I had previously mentioned) on my own, for a little advice on my situation, though he hasn't contacted me since that single meeting, some weeks back. Don't know what that means.

Anyway, I had gone for a dozen or so days without speaking to my family. I thought I could keep it up indefinitely...at least until I found an appropriate method of leaving. But, unfortunately, one day when I was getting dressed for work my mom slipped open the door to inquire about our situation. She said she didn't want to leave it the way it was. And, I don't know if I was just caught off guard when trying to hurry out the door, or what, but I actually responded. She had snagged me. We actually went further still, in conversation. I told her about some developments, and that I had ventured to try some things on my own. I actually said that if she gave me a ride (as I was running late) then we might talk more. And she did. It didn't seem too bad. It even felt a little relieving. I just told her, in no uncertain terms, that I still didn't have as much respect for her and the family as before, but I would settle on communicating with them if I could use them to help me with some things that would aid in my leaving (or at least communicating with others outside the family). It was interacting with her that pointed me in the direction of maintaining my Facebook page. As she seemed eager to help me with it, by giving me information, and referring me to friends. I was looking for electric scooters (as I mentioned). And around this same time, my dad had slipped some internet pages of electric bikes under my bedroom door that did seem very accurate to what I was looking for. I had mixed feelings, as I most likely would purchase a bike of that type, and would then owe him some thanks.

I was initially attempting a kind of open relationship with the caveat of there being a mild disrespect between us. But, they pushed more. They said they thought my letter writing skills were good (after what I had written to them) and they were eager to encourage me to write more. I was getting gradually more and more close to my parents (mostly my mom) again. She even encouraged me to go to an event at her business, which my dad recommended I could review on Facebook or by soliciting to a magazine. That really hasn't gone anywhere, even though my Facebook content has grown, regardless.

I still said I wouldn't talk to or be near my sister, due to her cartoonishly irresponsible behavior (and general demeanor). Her horrible condition where she now has an innocent hostage to toy with and use against me and us in any argument. And my parents seemed mildly understanding of that. Though there was a brief confrontation with my sister none the less, when my mom wouldn't distance HERSELF from her...even when I showed interest in getting advice on some things from my mom, and not being willing to do so when my sister was around her. It didn't escalate out of control just yet. Still, oddly, it seems my sister is hanging around her MORE now that I don't want her near us. Thus keeping us apart. Though that could also be due to the neediness she now has from her new biological condition.

So this new interaction between myself and my parents went on for, what has to have been two weeks or so...until just last night. A serious confrontation occurred again, like I was afraid it might. I heard my parents and sister fighting. And once my sister ran upstairs to get away from them, I opened the door and soon I overheard my dad downstairs talking to my mom about, not just my sister, but also, me! He started ranting that they have to come to terms with the fact that they as parents literally have no need to take responsibility for the way we turned out as adults (even if more than one child apparently being f--ked up is not an indicator as to otherwise). He said we BOTH have to be kicked out of the house (remember I'm the one who entertained the notion of leaving before they approached me). That we're abusing our relationship with our parents. And the most shocking part came next. I heard him (rightly) say something to the effect that they have a daughter that is manipulating them into taking care of her (and her new biological hostage's) needs while they have a son who envies and would probably be willing to KILL Bill Gates or Donald Trump for the life he feels he's been denied by people like them! I was like, WTF! I know he wasn't talking about my brother because he just recently became independent. The conversation was about the two children who were still living at home. Yet such a statement about me is so incredibly off base, as I have literal never shown the slightest bit of interest in anything Bill Gates or Donald Trump do (for better or worse) whatsoever! It was astonishing! If I took it right, it just seemed to be the most extreme example of projecting I've ever heard...EVER!

Yet, interestingly, earlier that day, he was talking to me joyously about food (as he always does nowadays) and trying to get me into his mindset (and method of escape). He was giving me a tour of the things he got for me that he knew I liked to eat. Trying to lull me, I guess. As he's a fat f--k (to get insulting here) who thinks stuffing my face like he does will calm me down. Like he's doing me a favor, inviting me to get fat. Still he was giving me the (hollow) impression that he cared about me on that same day, now he was apparently insinuating that he thought I might be capable of killing someone that I didn't even show signs of envying...without any falling out occurring between us during any point in the day! I certainly hoped I heard wrong. Otherwise this new accusation showed me what certain people in my family thought of me behind my back. And, after all, I had already said I knew they were liars without needing confirmation. But this had a particularly warped flavor to it, from my point of view. It was almost like they were responding to an obligatory quota of equality where they were compelled to come up with a reason why I'm equally as responsible for this current chaos as my sister...or even them! So they (or he) literally pulled this notion about me out of his a--! Just to make me even with my sister's insanity...or worse! And if I don't accept this "fact" then I'm possibly even MORE responsible than anyone else (as I certainly would be if I was considered a danger to someone's life). So after my dad went upstairs I immediately went downstairs. I was going to inquire about some things on my Facebook account with my mom, but I also went to tell her that I heard this accusation and I wanted clarification. It began to get moderately dicey, right away. But all Hell broke loose when my sister decided it was a good time to come down again. Not only did she have no intention of going away. She seemed rather more eager to engage in a confrontation than she had recently.

They both started to tag team me right off the bat. But I wouldn't break my steadfast determination. They acted like my uncompromising position was a crime or some sign of insanity (as they said as much). I was baffled as to why they would even want to wear me down. Why were they so sure my position was wrong if at least my mom had shown signs of relying on my perception before. It must have been something with my sister. They claimed I was doing the most dastardly manipulating. So because I won't break I must be playing mind games. You know, because it's just so obvious that they're right about all that they're pushing on me. Yet when I invoke the concept of the "self-evident" in my favor I'm making some wild claim...whatever. My sister looked me dead in the eyes (between bouts of splashing droplets of water from her water bottle on me) and said I was a "manipulative bastard" who is hurting everyone (with great emphasis on these words). It made me feel like I had to wince at this display. How could she say these things to someone she had ever respected (especially as someone I had reason to think was allegedly hurt by the notion that I no longer liked her)? Even if her current position towards me was just from my being perceived as rude with my use of nothing more than words. No blatant threats...though I must admit I did say things like her "kind" (i. e. the sociopathicly inclined) would not survive a reckoning in the future. I could see both of them spontaneously play dumb right when I was making a point. Repeatedly acting like they didn't even know the words I was using. And insinuating that (their alleged lack of knowledge of my terminology) must be a sign that I was screwing with them. I could see that my sister was playing games in trying to see if she could interpret any of my responses as a threat. Going so far as to invoke the idea that she would get her boyfriend to beat me up (which she had claimed in a previous argument). This was all in an apparent attempt to guilt me, no doubt.

In many of my recent arguments with my family I've been bringing up the fact that I view them as attempting to "gaslight" me, or attempting to make me think I'm insane, and getting off on it as they do (while projecting that I'm the one doing this, no less). This time I repeatedly claimed it. I shouted "gaslighting!", "gaslighters!", "psychopaths!" and other such accusations REPEATEDLY, to get it stuck in their heads what they were doing. Of course they just mocked my repetition. As if it was some kind of compulsion to evade the "obvious" legitimacy of their points, rather than an attempt to really drill into their conscience (if they have any, of course) what they were doing to someone they once claimed to care about (or really only a week before with my mom). I saw it as an exceptionally vicious action to do to someone they had ever claimed to respect (let alone aggressively approach for an attempt at reconnecting). My mom even previously made mention of the supposed fact that my sister was concerned that I might hate her. Now my sister was looking me in the eyes and screaming that she doesn't care in the slightest what I think. She even said she was going to slit my throat (again with my mother just watching without any defense for me). All while my sister had just claimed that she was going to get a restraining order on ME, the one who didn't raise a finger, or make any overt threats! She claimed that my brother only left the house to try living on his own again to get away from me. Again trying to guilt me into shutting up. My mom seemed to keep insinuating that a ridiculous amount of my sister's points (i. e. any of them) were legitimate. A time when she had never seemed more insane to me. It was just jaw-dropping. Or, as I was calling it, dumb-founding.

Then my mom feigned a concern for how I could possibly live on my own in my current condition. She acted like she cared, but the way I took it, she was just rubbing it in...the fact that I would have a hard time. Which then made me think, how could my dad's accusation that I'm lazy and just leeching off my parents (like my sister) even be legitimate if they (or at least my mom) know it will be hard for me to try to leave. I mean, that right there, means they know there's more than just laziness involved. Or else she wouldn't be that concerned (or even pretending to be) about me handling myself on the outside. So I did accuse her of possibly being neglectful towards me in the past. My sister responded as if that was the most disrespectful and audacious thing she had ever heard. Calling me an ungrateful bastard...her, the one who's playing my mom's heartstrings to get amenities and favors at a time when she should be forced by her biological situation to act more adult than ever (and threatening to kill me as well). They both claimed my mom had raised me with all the luxuries of others...and more. And I said It doesn't matter. Especially if I had particular needs. As I'm not those other kids. "You parent the child you have, not the one you want"...and all that. Perhaps, by pure happenstance, my mom just didn't have the capacity, I guess. But on the other hand, what she was doing to me now (and allowing to happen to me) was not something a person who was once really concerned about the person I was to become would do. I could not conceive of how that could be the case at all. Now I was beginning to reconsider the memories of my childhood. Putting a possible ulterior motive onto most of it, in retrospect.

My sister concluded that I was a "vicious bastard" (with a rather burning gaze on her face). And she couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. Because she is seriously going to kill me, otherwise. I said I already was going to leave, before our mom brought me back into the fold, and I know she's going to try again when I seriously take steps to separate myself. Well it was settled. I'm not being friendly with her again...or those that consort with her. I'm going back to my room to remain silent for as long as I can. I'm not signing on to this. As I'm not acquiescing to these accusations. I'm not shutting up...or I'm completely shutting up. One or the other. I'm the relative voice of reason or I'm out of here. No need to hassle any one else any further if I can help it. They should all be more than fine with that if they really think I'm the manipulator!

Soon after, I overheard her speaking to my mom on the stairs. I heard her say that she thinks there's something wrong with her, as she's never had such serious feeling of committing suicide before. My mind was already flooding at that. Let me guess (I thought), she'll kill herself and it'll be on MY hands. She takes an innocent hostage with her and that'll also be on my hands. Whatever. She's insane! And she can f--k herself, for all I care! But on a related note, I had mentioned that it was good that she wasn't going to let me see the result of her "incident" with her boyfriend, because if I saw her neglecting it or abusing it (as there is every indication that she might do), I would call the cops (or at least someone else who cares) on her.

I mentioned to them both that I now understood what the last post here meant about putting our settlements in a form of a business contract (as I had informed them of others' interpretations of my situation). For I can totally see them going back on their assurances to not institutionalize me (or worse) now. It was very creepy. And I guess I didn't quite learn my lesson the last time.

Though, I'm still curious to get into contact with any local groups of others in a similar situation, if they exist. My Facebook page might actually get across some of my points that I don't get to here. I have some stuff on autism and Alex and friends from Wrong Planet. It would be appreciated if anyone who might care to delve into some of the subjects I talk about there or here could bring them up in either place. Or it would just make contact easier for me. Also you could just give advice on whether I'm overdoing some things or not. Give general recommendations...and contribute to a larger list of friends, perhaps.

Which brings up a question. Could I inquire as to whether I might put a link to my Facebook page on here?

Upon thinking about the idea of putting a link to my Facebook page, it did occur to me that some of the more personal things I've mentioned here about my family's behavior could effect their privacy. Once you know their names and mine, further comments obviously won't be able to be communicated as anonymously as before. So I suppose I should be more precise in who I invite onto my page. I just hope I haven't sabotaged my ability to use these venues to connect with people like yourselves just because I didn't consider this Facebook option until recently. What do you think? Should I still try a link somewhere on the forums...at least as an option for those who are willing to give some input on the course of my personal and social developments? Or might that be too big of a can of worms now to bother with?