Why does my family insist on ignoring my struggles?

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Maybe it's because I never actually made an attempt on my life (even though I really wanted to for a long time) or had any super blatant, ridiculously obvious problems in life, though I don't think that should be necessary for people like family to not ignore my problems and dismiss them as something that is supposedly due entirely to my own choices. For the past 2 years I have thought about suicide almost every day, and it just increased more and more throughout that time. I always had problems with depression, but at that time 2 years ago was when I had just started to think things were looking up, and then it all came crashing down again.

Really the only thing that held me back from committing suicide was that I was afraid of what would happen afterwards (whether I was successful or not), and that I knew that would make my mom and my siblings sad. But none of my family ever even knew what was going on (I lived with my dad, step mom, and 7 siblings), even though I hardly ever really talked to them or wanted to do anything other than be alone in my room. I just don't understand why they didn't even notice, and they still don't know how close I was. If I had an opportunity, I'm certain I would have taken it. I didn't want to make an attempt unless I knew it would be successful, so I tried pretty hard to find ways to do it that would be effective and unlikely to fail. But most of them I had no way of doing, they would be too difficult to carry out without being stopped, or I just couldn't (I absolutely hate heights and I never even considered doing it by jumping because I can't even bring myself to stand near an edge regardless of the reason). Even when I tried telling my dad a bit about it, he seemed to think it was just a "bought" and while he was somewhat supportive, he didn't really seem able to understand at all how long term and severe it was for me. The philosophy he always seems to have is "try harder and harder and eventually it will pay off".

If I'd decided to take my family's advice and not try to get professional help, and not try to find out why I was having these problems, and instead basically try to "suck it up", I'd probably be dead right now. All that "advice" ever did was make me feel like I was defective, because according to them everyone else could do these things, so why couldn't I? Even though I haven't felt nearly as depressed for the past few months, I still have suicidal thoughts daily, I just am less likely to dwell on them or try to make plans. I came this far already on my own, and yet they still seem to assume I'm irresponsible, selfish, lazy. It makes me want to just move away and never contact them again. They say they love me, but I find it hard to believe, because their past actions have said that they think I only care about myself and that I never try. One of the only people in my family who doesn't think this about me is my mom, and everyone else on my dad's side talk condescendingly about her and they will very clearly imply that they believe many of my problems are a result of my mom's apparently horrible parenting, when that is totally false. If anything it was my step dad, but even he wasn't that bad because I didn't ever take what he said to heart. But my dad and step mom, it's like it was their goal to make me feel bad about every wrong thing I did, and then make me feel worse for getting defensive and attempting to explain myself. I don't hate them, but I don't feel like I like them very much either, because they blamed every problem in the family on me. "See what your brother did? He learned that from you." And even when they would finally grudgingly admit that someone else was in the wrong, it was still my fault because I didn't react to them in the perfect way like I should have. "There's always two sides to the problem." Yeah, and the way they said it, I was both of them.

The time I finally started feeling more hopeful was when I decided to ask my mom about how I was as a child, and started to realize from her description, after doing some research, that I fit the autism/Asperger's description very closely. The more I looked into it the more I felt it was accurate. I was a bit excited that I possibly found what at least part of my problem has been all this time. Why I could never make friends, why a lot of my teachers said I was misbehaved, why I was bullied so much, why I always had huge tantrums for unapparent reasons throughout elementary and middle school, why I never made eye contact or spoke when I was little, etc. However, the only one who believed me really is my mom (who is the only one who knew how I was as a child, so she would know best). Even the few other family members I told (older brother and dad), rather than expressing ANY curiosity in the disorder itself or why I thought I might have it, and even though I made it very clear I was not telling them this to justify and past, current or future behaviors and simply wanted to find more effective ways to function, still assumed I was wanting an excuse. At best they said, "Well, you might be right, BUT..." insert accusatory statement about me wanting sympathy or justifying behaviors, completely ignoring how I very clearly said, "I am not telling you this to justify behaviors or ask for sympathy. I think you should know because you are family, and I want you to know that I am trying to find out how to better handle myself." And of course my mother also gets blamed for supposedly giving me the idea that I have disorders, when ALL of my conclusions were totally my own, simply based on my memories and my moms statements about what specific things were odd about me growing up.

I just got diagnosed, and my grandpa immediately seemed to think that my showing up late for work started right after getting the diagnosis even though I have been late almost every week at least once since starting the job (4 months ago), and said they didn't want to become "enablers". I "seem" very functional. I didn't know learning to cope with some of my difficulties and having high intelligence suddenly means I'm just like anyone else.

I have already given up on this, I don't think I'm going to bring it up ever again with them. I usually just say "ok" and leave it alone when these sorts of things come up. In the future I don't think I plan on talking to them much to be honest, and I know that sounds terrible. But why can't they just for once open up their closed minds and realize that not everyone has it the way they do? They always tried to make me feel bad about things so that it would somehow make me want to improve, and all it did was make me want to avoid them. They had their own struggles of course, but they are not mine, and they can't just assume that what worked for them will work for me. It's always felt like people have been trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it's just not going to happen, and the peg (me) is going to get really damaged in the process, so why not just let it go where it can fit?

Last edited by L_Holmes on 13 Aug 2014, 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That is an extremely frustrating situation to have to live with. I can relate a little bit because although I am now completely estranged from all my living family members, I know that this is exactly how they would have reacted or in fact would react now if they knew.

Some people just get so entrenched in the little prejudices they hold against the other people in their family for this or that perceived slight, disapproval of something about them, or judgement they make upon them or their behaviors, that even when they are presented with an explanation -- not an excuse, but a factual, real, valid explanation -- they don't want to get off their high horse and revise the judgmentalism they've long held about that individual for whatever reasons. They don't want to have to do the work of re-framing everything they ever thought about the person. It's easier for them to go on having their judgmental, harsh opinions because it's all they know.

To have to understand a real neurological condition means having to muster compassion, too, and some people are happier feeling more negative emotions. They think they don't want to be "enablers" -- okay, in one sense that's a worthy stance. But there's a fine line between "not enabling" and just having no compassion for someone's very real challenges. I think it's especially tricky when someone is high functioning and "seems normal" in almost every way. It's like the person who gets out of the car he's just parked in a disabled spot, and seems to walk away fully able-bodied. Everyone is angry at him. What they don't know is that he's a double amputee with a very good set of prosthetics under his trousers. But the other person who gets out of their car and has thalidomide limbs or no lower torso is instantly understood as deserving of a different reaction.

You're the person with the hidden issue, and it does suck that your family feel it's easier to not give an inch about that.

I don't know what the best approach would be. I would be inclined to get away from this atmosphere and minimise contact, but I can understand when sometimes that is simply not a practical option. Having to live with this in your life, you can only avoid talking about it with them now. You've tried to educate them but some people are not open to it.

I feel for you though, and it's rough to be on the receiving end of this attitude.

Have you tried to share with your family (even just one of them) some of the great videos about Asperger's Syndrome and Autism Spectrum Disorder? They might be distant (and accusing) because they simply don't know anything about this new diagnosis. One or more videos might help them understand the specific characteristics you have. When they understand, they will probably be more supportive.

My personal favorite videos (because they are short and have good subject matter) include:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAfWfsop1e0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPOBAhU_yMQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mMLSFVuZQE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR36jrx_L44

You might want to show them around to your family and friends. Just an idea.

I like your analogy of a square peg into a round hole and getting damaged because that?s exactly what seems to happen. I wish we could just be ourselves and get accepted for it rather than rejected. I relate a lot your life except I?m older now and I was never on as ?social? terms with my family as you are.

Like BirdInFlight I?m estranged from my family and always have been just now we don?t live together. When we did though, like you, I?d spend my time in my room. My parents got annoyed when I was about 12 or 13 that I?d rarely speak to them but after that it wasn?t mentioned again. I wouldn?t talk to them and I?d occasionally forget what they looked like.

Truth is we all have our own lives I don?t expect them to be concerned about mine. I?m not surprised my family never knew my struggles with depression and suicide until the cops came I?ve never told them or shown them. Even though your family ignores your struggles other people won?t. There is a great divide among humans in this regard. Some people are amazingly accepting and open. I think that?s it?s good you?ve found help at your age. Getting diagnosed can definitely be comforting to take the blame off yourself that other people pile on over the years. But I don?t think it changes their minds. In my experience people treat you the way they want to when they don?t have the investment to change. At least your mother is encouraging that?s great.

I hope things improve in your life and it gets better as the years pass. I know it got a lot better for me as the years passed. I moved out and was able to get away from the people who aren?t good for my life. Still dealing with suicide but it?s not as bad as it once was.

Best Wishes.

I haven't been showing them many videos though I did send my brother a link to one. He was just ignoring me at that point though (I was sending long texts because I was trying to explain it fully to him but I don't think he even really believes me in the first place) so I don't know if he even watched it. I doubt it. But that is a good idea, and I've thought about it before, i just haven't had a chance to find some good videos on it, so those links you gave will probably be helpful in the future. Thanks