What am i going to do?

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my name is Ross. I'm. 43 years old and I hate myself and the fact that I have to experience this planet. I had hell all through school. Then I had a few years in bands and was even on the radio. Then I quit dribking which caused the loss of half my friends. I quit music and there went most of the rest. Then there was the six years in and out of the hospital with daily seizures, broken backs, broken disloacated shoulder, hernia, tumors complete with surgery scars. One major surgery a year for six years and the very last off my friends who saw the full body braces and surgery scars claimed I was faking and all bailed on me. I have my mom and my grandpa but they aren't truly friends. My only friend is my little dog. I almost ran over him and brought him home. I tried to fing his people but he didn't want to leave plus he had scars and a hernia. My mom decided we were keeping him no matter what and we had him fixed and his hernia fixed. Then like an idiot my mom found a lost and found for him online and refused his return.

Now I feel like a horrible monster for three years, can't find the people and hatefully despise myself.

This is a slice of my life.

Everyday should be named the same. I've dodged such major medical bullets. I should be happy but I go to bed praying not to wake and sobbing when I do. I hate the way people are and what they do to each other. It hurts.

I can't. Keep a job or friends.
I tried yoga and they were some of the meanest people ever. I was told I was welcome because the owner said she would no longer accept or teach autistic people or men over 30 unless they were a vet. She went so far as to call me a monster. I can show you the emails from Tish Hegel of Hegel Yoga.
She also ripped me off for over $250 with no offer of refund. All after two years of her telling me I was a perfect student and an inspiration. Literally overnight.
This is a very typical experience for me. It's invariable and makes me hate everything.

Point is, I live in COMPLETE isolation/seclusion just to avoid judgement, ridicule and the pain festering in my soul. Why was I born? To offset someone's perfect life. Why so much fear and hurt? Why does it feel like my mind is slowly shutting down my soul and body? Why do I feel like I'm dying?

Wow! You have had it rough in life man! I'm sorry that people treat you like this. People are the same way with me as well. It's horrible how people can react when you get sick or get hospitalized. I hear this so much around me from people, it's horrible.

Best thing to know is that it is not your fault. They are the people doing things wrong and being a*sholes. You deserve true friends who respect you but trying to find those is like finding a needle in a haystack. I have tried for years with no results.

You seem like a very nice person so don't feel that you are a monster. You are not. The people that did those things to you are monsters. People like to mirror in reactions. If they act like monsters they call you a monster out of the guilt they feel. It's very common for people to do this.

I also live isolated from the world and don't get outside much. I also try to hide from people to not get hurt. It's sad. We shouldn't do it but it just feels safe, doesnt it? The pain of not being accepted is much harder then the pain of loneliness. The problem is that we have the same needs as any other human being but some people just have so much bad luck that it feels like they are cursed in some way. Most of those people attract the wrong kind of people who take advantage of your weakness. They prey on people who have problems.

A while back I felt like my body was dying. Like it was over. I was so depressed and sad that I could only sleep. I have accepted that I will most likely always stay alone but that is really hard. The hunger for affection and acceptance is screaming inside me, wanting to get fed.

I wish you all the strength in the world to overcome this. There are people just like you around who can be true friends. Never stop searching but also don't put yourself in the crosshairs too much.

You've dodged a lot of bullets, my friend.

You will have to dodge more--but the dodging's worth it in the end. Please don't give up, sir.

I'm glad you're still around, and are able to at least type on this Forum.

Where do you live? And what are you especially interested in? Remember: this is the Autism/Asperger's Forum--and any interest, no matter how weird, will not get you judged (unless, of course, you're interested in something like Nazism).

Thanks for the replies and hopes for strength. I'm feeling better at the moment. I'm still lying down though. My bed feels like softness and warmth.

I'm from the American SW. We're in the middle of our monsoon season and they said we were going to have thunderstorms everyday for three weeks and it rained for five minutes one afternoon. It was 115 the other day. That's where I live. I'm trying to find a way to go up to coastal Oregon. My best friend lives up there. My main interest was music for over twenty years and now I can barely stand to play or listen at all. I was a chef and that's an absolute no go. Right now my thing is comedy and sci-fi. The more silly the better. If a movie or show can make me laugh like an idiot or take me in to make believe of good sci-fi it helps me escape. I had to walk away from music because of my friends not wanting to play shows out when we got in our thirties and I lost interest. Also, the scene in my town was dead unless you were a DJ. Also, when you're in a band you're surrounded by drunks and addicts. All of them wanting to be the one who got the guitarist/singer buzzed. If you declined it was an insult to them. I was always an advocate for cannabis legalization but by the time I quit music everyone was either horrible alcoholics or tweekers. Then they all got mad for me taking care of myself by walking away from it. I didn't need to turn into an ice head.

So yeah, my thing is like funny or Sci-Fi movies. Stuff that makes me laugh. that's my favorite.

My family is from Texas so I grew up fishing and shooting. Not hunting, just shooting. I don't like hunting myself unless I need food and haven't had to do so in well over twenty years. I still love target shooting because it takes a lot of focus and doing math on the fly. I've just plain been good at it my whole life. It's pretty expensive though and haven't been in years.

I love hiking, but I don't like to go alone unless I absolutely know the trail. I would love to go fishing again but there is very little fishing in Arizona. Mostly just bass. You can find trout in some of the better lakes but I just plain haven't gone in years and have no gear.

I don't have any interest in playing music in front of people again even though I used to love it and could command a crowd. It was awesome being lead singer/lead guitar in a power trio. It was great. the only thing I would have changed would have been to have a pianist/keyboard player. We had a girl drummer who was the best drummer I ever played with. She broke more drum heads than any guy I ever knew. It's just all the extra baggage, it's too much.

At this point though my actual friends just don't live around here. So I end up watching a lot of cartoons and movies so I can just keep to myself and stay out of the heat. My dog is cool but again we're inside a lot.

I want to go live where there are trees and where it rains. I need to figure out the money though.



So where are you guys from? What are you into?

Thanks for the replies and hopes for strength. I'm feeling better at the moment. I'm still lying down though. My bed feels like softness and warmth.

I'm from the American SW. We're in the middle of our monsoon season and they said we were going to have thunderstorms everyday for three weeks and it rained for five minutes one afternoon. It was 115 the other day. That's where I live. I'm trying to find a way to go up to coastal Oregon. My best friend lives up there. My main interest was music for over twenty years and now I can barely stand to play or listen at all. I was a chef and that's an absolute no go. Right now my thing is comedy and sci-fi. The more silly the better. If a movie or show can make me laugh like an idiot or take me in to make believe of good sci-fi it helps me escape. I had to walk away from music because of my friends not wanting to play shows out when we got in our thirties and I lost interest. Also, the scene in my town was dead unless you were a DJ. Also, when you're in a band you're surrounded by drunks and addicts. All of them wanting to be the one who got the guitarist/singer buzzed. If you declined it was an insult to them. I was always an advocate for cannabis legalization but by the time I quit music everyone was either horrible alcoholics or tweekers. Then they all got mad for me taking care of myself by walking away from it. I didn't need to turn into an ice head.

So yeah, my thing is like funny or Sci-Fi movies. Stuff that makes me laugh. that's my favorite.

My family is from Texas so I grew up fishing and shooting. Not hunting, just shooting. I don't like hunting myself unless I need food and haven't had to do so in well over twenty years. I still love target shooting because it takes a lot of focus and doing math on the fly. I've just plain been good at it my whole life. It's pretty expensive though and haven't been in years.

I love hiking, but I don't like to go alone unless I absolutely know the trail. I would love to go fishing again but there is very little fishing in Arizona. Mostly just bass. You can find trout in some of the better lakes but I just plain haven't gone in years and have no gear.

I don't have any interest in playing music in front of people again even though I used to love it and could command a crowd. It was awesome being lead singer/lead guitar in a power trio. It was great. the only thing I would have changed would have been to have a pianist/keyboard player. We had a girl drummer who was the best drummer I ever played with. She broke more drum heads than any guy I ever knew. It's just all the extra baggage, it's too much.

At this point though my actual friends just don't live around here. So I end up watching a lot of cartoons and movies so I can just keep to myself and stay out of the heat. My dog is cool but again we're inside a lot.

I want to go live where there are trees and where it rains. I need to figure out the money though.



So where are you guys from? What are you into?

Thanks for the replies and hopes for strength. I'm feeling better at the moment. I'm still lying down though. My bed feels like softness and warmth.

I'm from the American SW. We're in the middle of our monsoon season and they said we were going to have thunderstorms everyday for three weeks and it rained for five minutes one afternoon. It was 115 the other day. That's where I live. I'm trying to find a way to go up to coastal Oregon. My best friend lives up there. My main interest was music for over twenty years and now I can barely stand to play or listen at all. I was a chef and that's an absolute no go. Right now my thing is comedy and sci-fi. The more silly the better. If a movie or show can make me laugh like an idiot or take me in to make believe of good sci-fi it helps me escape. I had to walk away from music because of my friends not wanting to play shows out when we got in our thirties and I lost interest. Also, the scene in my town was dead unless you were a DJ. Also, when you're in a band you're surrounded by drunks and addicts. All of them wanting to be the one who got the guitarist/singer buzzed. If you declined it was an insult to them. I was always an advocate for cannabis legalization but by the time I quit music everyone was either horrible alcoholics or tweekers. Then they all got mad for me taking care of myself by walking away from it. I didn't need to turn into an ice head.

So yeah, my thing is like funny or Sci-Fi movies. Stuff that makes me laugh. that's my favorite.

My family is from Texas so I grew up fishing and shooting. Not hunting, just shooting. I don't like hunting myself unless I need food and haven't had to do so in well over twenty years. I still love target shooting because it takes a lot of focus and doing math on the fly. I've just plain been good at it my whole life. It's pretty expensive though and haven't been in years.

I love hiking, but I don't like to go alone unless I absolutely know the trail. I would love to go fishing again but there is very little fishing in Arizona. Mostly just bass. You can find trout in some of the better lakes but I just plain haven't gone in years and have no gear.

I don't have any interest in playing music in front of people again even though I used to love it and could command a crowd. It was awesome being lead singer/lead guitar in a power trio. It was great. the only thing I would have changed would have been to have a pianist/keyboard player. We had a girl drummer who was the best drummer I ever played with. She broke more drum heads than any guy I ever knew. It's just all the extra baggage, it's too much.

At this point though my actual friends just don't live around here. So I end up watching a lot of cartoons and movies so I can just keep to myself and stay out of the heat. My dog is cool but again we're inside a lot.

I want to go live where there are trees and where it rains. I need to figure out the money though.



So where are you guys from? What are you into?

ooops....sorry

I would like to see the emails.

I also love it when it rains and hate hot weather

I get why you don't like music anymore, you made the right decision. Your health is more important than anything else.

I like a lot of things. Movies, TV shows, video games, things like that. With movies I like serious stories, horror, science fiction. The only thing I dislike in movies is political stuff and cop/criminal activity. With TV shows I like the same stuff. Video games I am different than most people. I can't play 3D games that well because they make me nauseous (migrain) so I play mostly 2D games. Mostly games with an awesome story or exploration.

Other than this I like to help people out online, help charity's get more donations, trying to make the world a better place.

I love animals!

I can recommend Pacific Rim as a Sci-Fi movie. I also liked Destrict 9 very much a few years back.

Do you play any video games?

http://kjzz.org/sites/default/files/IMG ... 143629.jpg

Is this the woman from the yoga class?

If I would see her for the first time I would be on my gaurd. She seems emotional and tough. Most instructors I have met were jerks and pretty stuck up. She is very pretty and that is never good for a personality is my experience.

WowIexist, let me dig them up and ill send them to you.

Protector....yeah that's her. I paid like three stand over two years. I could already be in oreogon. She still owes me money but I'll never get it. I actually heard her yell over the phone that she wasn't "dealing with Asperger's anymore".

I wish I had never gone there. I tried a couple of other places and got exactly the same vibe each time.

I've gotta get out of the Phoenix area. It's so miserable here.

I have moved from one city where people are just a*sholes and where I now live people are way nicer and aren't so judgemental. I was literally bullied away from a street just because I was different. I don't look different but I don't like alcohol and most of the people that lived there were total alcoholics. They liked to party the whole day and I want to sleep at night if possible. They called the cops on me one time when I came at the door asking for them to lower the volume of the music and they said I hit a woman in the face. The cops didn't believe it (because I am a big guy and when I hit someone, they are in the hospital). The cops just said to call when to noise is bothering me because they were so drunk a conversation was almost not possible and I just started doing that after asking them like 20 times to stop with the loud music. After that they accused me of hitting someone again, they treatened my mom, they wanted to kill my dogs and so on and so on. I was fed up with it and left. I am glad I did. I am a guy who doesn't take sh*t from anyone but they said I was crazy and I belong in a mental asylum. They tried to even get me in one of those places with a letter with a lot of signatures. I wanted to just beat the sh*t out of those people but they were kind of old (50+) so that would get me in trouble big time. If this would happen to me again I would burn the whole street to the ground, I don't care anymore. I am still not over all the stuff that happened there. Some people just deserve a good beating. My direct neighbor was 75 years old and he partied every day and was drunk so much he would lay in his yard for hours totally knocked out. My other neighbors were so drunk the man that lived there would fall in his pond and could not get out and almost drowned a few times. The weed plants were growing on their shed. But yeah, you can't do much when there are so many people that are different than you. Before I could move it took like 4 years to find a good home so that was hell for me.

I don't get how it is possible that people change according to a city but it is a really big difference. Where I live now things are more in nature so that can be the cause.

Sorry for the long story. Had to get that off my back.

Yeah, I have hard time forgetting the hurt. People hanging up on me, calling me crazy. I've been jumped like six times here. My friends in Oregon day where they live that it's all chill and mostly like 35 yrs plus average age. Old growth forests, the coast. Fishing, gardening.... My best friend from the 70s is also Aspie and says Coos Bay is so chill.
F*** AZ.

I can't figure out how to do this with my emails.

9/19/13

to tish
To whom it may concern,
I was very rudely told how horrible and scary that I was and told not to return or contact you with great cruelty. I have very nicely and appropriately asked you before to remove me from your mailing list. This contact initiated by you is not right in an ethical or moral way and its unfair as I have respected your request, no aggressive and threatening demand for me not to contact you. I do not appreciate this as this is the fourth occurrence of this inappropriate behavior. Please do not contact me again.






On Thursday, September 19, 2013, Hegel Yoga <tish@hegelyoga.com> wrote:
>
> Introduction to Sanskrit and the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with Cheryl Oliver
> Sanskrit (संस्कृतम्)
> ("refined speech") is a historical Indo-Aryan language. The corpus of Sanskrit literature encompasses a rich tradition of poetry and drama as well as scientific, technical, philosophical and dharma texts.
> Because it is 100% phonetic, Sanskrit pronunciation is extremely easy to learn. It is not necessary to read the original script, called Devanagari. The romanized form of Sanskrit, called transliteration, uses English letters with occasional marks (diacritics) above or below certain letters. This form allows us to pronounce Sanskrit words properly by reading letters already familiar to us.
>
> Join Cheryl this Saturday to learn the Sanskrit alphabet with correct pronunciation. You will better understand and pronounce the names of Yoga postures as well and gain greater insight to the ancient language and texts of Yoga.
> SATURDAY
> September 21st
> 2:00-4:00 PM
> No experience needed!
>
> 20.00 Drop In
> 18.00 for Hegel Yoga unlimited members
>
> SPECIAL:
> BRING A FRIEND AND EACH GET 20% off admission.
> Hegel Yoga
> Improving Life, One Breath at a Time
>
> STAY IN TOUCH
Tish Hegel tish@hegelyoga.com via yahoo.com

9/19/13

to me
Ross,

I was in no way cruel or rude to you. Just honest.

You need to remove yourself from the mailing list by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of the email.


Tish Hegel

Hegel Yoga
5861 S. Kyrene #11
Tempe, AZ 85283
www.hegelyoga.com

From: ross blaisdell <rcurtis1971@gmail.com>
To: "tish@hegelyoga.com" <tish@hegelyoga.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 19, 2013 1:50 PM
Subject: Re: Introduction to Sanskrit with Cheryl Oliver 9/21
ross blaisdell <rcurtis1971@gmail.com>

9/19/13

to Tish

How mean. I'm glad I'm not there.

That studio is your place of business and your email list is your responsibility of which to take care and update. Please do so.

I have actual screen shots but can't figure out how to send them on here.

9/19/13

to tish
To whom it may concern,
I was very rudely told how horrible and scary that I was and told not to return or contact you with great cruelty. I have very nicely and appropriately asked you before to remove me from your mailing list. This contact initiated by you is not right in an ethical or moral way and its unfair as I have respected your request, no aggressive and threatening demand for me not to contact you. I do not appreciate this as this is the fourth occurrence of this inappropriate behavior. Please do not contact me again.






On Thursday, September 19, 2013, Hegel Yoga <tish@hegelyoga.com> wrote:
>
> Introduction to Sanskrit and the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with Cheryl Oliver
> Sanskrit (संस्कृतम्)
> ("refined speech") is a historical Indo-Aryan language. The corpus of Sanskrit literature encompasses a rich tradition of poetry and drama as well as scientific, technical, philosophical and dharma texts.
> Because it is 100% phonetic, Sanskrit pronunciation is extremely easy to learn. It is not necessary to read the original script, called Devanagari. The romanized form of Sanskrit, called transliteration, uses English letters with occasional marks (diacritics) above or below certain letters. This form allows us to pronounce Sanskrit words properly by reading letters already familiar to us.
>
> Join Cheryl this Saturday to learn the Sanskrit alphabet with correct pronunciation. You will better understand and pronounce the names of Yoga postures as well and gain greater insight to the ancient language and texts of Yoga.
> SATURDAY
> September 21st
> 2:00-4:00 PM
> No experience needed!
>
> 20.00 Drop In
> 18.00 for Hegel Yoga unlimited members
>
> SPECIAL:
> BRING A FRIEND AND EACH GET 20% off admission.
> Hegel Yoga
> Improving Life, One Breath at a Time
>
> STAY IN TOUCH
Tish Hegel tish@hegelyoga.com via yahoo.com

9/19/13

to me
Ross,

I was in no way cruel or rude to you. Just honest.

You need to remove yourself from the mailing list by clicking unsubscribe at the bottom of the email.


Tish Hegel

Hegel Yoga
5861 S. Kyrene #11
Tempe, AZ 85283
www.hegelyoga.com

From: ross blaisdell <rcurtis1971@gmail.com>
To: "tish@hegelyoga.com" <tish@hegelyoga.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 19, 2013 1:50 PM
Subject: Re: Introduction to Sanskrit with Cheryl Oliver 9/21
ross blaisdell <rcurtis1971@gmail.com>

9/19/13

to Tish

How mean. I'm glad I'm not there.

That studio is your place of business and your email list is your responsibility of which to take care and update. Please do so.