I'm sick of this neverending cycle.
It frustrates me so much how I'm dependent on other people to do many things in my life. I live on my own, but because of the lack of license, I can't drive myself places and am dependent on my aunt to help complete most errands - groceries, laundry, most things really. Thing is, my aunt, and most other members of my family (refer to family section of this thread) have not learned after my attempts to make it known that they way they treat me exacerbates the issues I deal with on a daily basis. I would rather consistently put off laundromat trips for weeks on end over dealing with her for the 1-2 hours required to complete it. Groceries are somewhat less painful since she isn't with me, but still not preferable; let's just say there's a 50:50 chance of a large argument occuring over this, that or some other matter, which ostensibly ends in emotional distress and tears on my end.
My life changed after I moved out of my mother's house. My younger older brother and his girlfriend lived there at the time, in what was supposed to be my room; I slept on the couch a few days in summer for it was too hot to sleep, and little did I know my brother would bring someone new in and then take over my room. (Note that he did not live there at the time he did; he moved out some months prior.) My mother didn't do anything about it. The times she tried to kick him out, massive amounts of drama ensued and ultimately nothing happened... but when I left my mother's house, with assistance from my case manager, I changed for the better. Now, almost 4 years later... the amount of dependence I realize I am still on, for just day-to-day life, disgusts and sickens me. Even the tiniest of things... and I can't really ask for help on this matter from others without being told to just suck it up because I'm an adult. I wanted so badly to melt down at the person who helpfully offered to take me to the library tomorrow to print out IRS paperwork I can't even guarantee I'd be able to get...
But without the person I can typically vent to near me, I want to break down and cry... I hate being dependent on others to live. Social Security I can tolerate, but I eventually want to be off it, and I can't do so without being able to function on my own two feet...
I do not. My case manager is the closest to one, and she's trying to do what she can to help within her means and role, but I've been a case where formal counseling has generally not been beneficial. (Counselors tend to ask about your life, etc. as part of their jobs. I'm the sort of person who does not open up to people who I don't know. Counselors are included in this.) From what I notice, my dependence is not a mental issue at its core as it is (though continually being dependent CAUSES such issues, I mean that the initial issue of becoming independent is not, at least from what I notice).
I'm currently working on my license, as I feel that getting that and a vehicle would be a good start to independence. But I dread the test, because I really can't afford to fail again, in multiple aspects (lessons are costly and my only form of learning, and I need to get a license to start going to college - bus services exist but aren't dedicated).
I guess I'm just really sick of the day-to-day aspects of my life being in constant control of another's whims ever since my teenage years onward. At least a license and a car will enable me to do tasks on my own terms - not OTHERS' terms. My aunt and I have largely conflicting schedules (I tend to sleep until 8-10 AM on a given day and am very slow to wake in general, where she works graveyard shift and her typical sleeping time is in the afternoon) so... but ugh. I'm aware of some of the issues I have in maintenance. I'm aware that having a car requires maintaining insurance and the car itself. But I feel that the freedom of being able to do things when I need or want to can help make up for the extra costs and just... ugh.
Yay for giant mental loops. /obvious sarcasm
I'm not "disabled" by the public transportation department's definitions the last time I checked (I'm disabled in the sense in "I can't keep a job" by Social Security, but I don't have physical limitations that would make riding a bus impossible, and am not a senior citizen). If you mean in regards to my college specifically, they are in different service regions, and the shuttle to said college has to be called in in advance, which, as a full-time student, is highly inconvenient. Door-to-door service doesn't exactly solve the issue at hand anyway, since I can get to the closest bus stop relatively fine and I'm able to flag down a bus if I have to. But would you take your basket of dirty laundry on a bus?
I understand why people keep trying to push the idea of a bus onto me. Yes, I get it, that's great, it helps me move around alone more while no license! But that's still a dependency in my mind. Ever since my experiences in juvenile detention, control and freedom of my life and my choices has became a very big deal to me, and I'm not yet seeing it. I know these things aren't rights, but privileges, I've had it drilled into my damn head a billion times. But I've noticed that, when given the freedom to do as I please and not forced to make a certain decision because of circumstance, I generally do better. (I don't mean extreme things such as breaking the law, mind, before someone chooses to take that logical conclusion.) At least I know, when it comes to things like whether or not the house is clean, that it's my fault whether or not it is or not, and I'm able to take comfort in that fact - it was nobody's decision but my own, and I have to face that consequence. But when it's not a choice offered - when it's something pushed upon me - I feel resent.
I don't know. I'm sick of people always making assumptions. I'm sick of having to constantly explain my stance and position when I ask for advice, and then get brushed off or just told to suck it up. But right now, I'm not really asking for advice. At this point, I'm just really venting, since as said, the person I can safely vent to isn't there to, and won't be for months. (I say "safely" because they've given me their express permission to use them to vent, because I'm VERY emotionally stifled.) More than advice, I just want someone to actually... I don't know. I just don't know.