I don't want to live, but I also don't want to kill myself..

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Lost my motivation now. I'm completely inept at any social interactions, and have literally no friends left now. Nobody (Minus my mom sometimes) is there for me... When I cry there's nobody there to soothe me and tell me I'm fine. I'm alone in this world and I'm SICK of it. I have nothing positive left on me ( I thought I was bright. BS) at all (Not exaggerating). I can't imagine myself as a happy, successful adult. I've self harmed and I want to again so badly... There's nothing else I can do... but cutting is just giving into demons, making me weak, on top of the thousands of other negative traits I have.

I just feel my stupidity and my ability to be SO UNBEARABLE is just nauseating and I'm sick of myself, and I feel like the whole world is too.

Hey Dan,

I'm really sorry you feel this. Have you any Special Interests?

Why not accept you have nothing to lose and live free of all attachement?

Its ok to feel blue from time to time. Its not easy having AS.

Yet, despite it, you've achieved what many your age have not. You speak more than one language, you are quite eloquent in your writing style and you're true to yourself.

You're smart. Maybe not socially smart (none of us here are..heck its one of the defining traits of AS) but you're young enough to improve! Its not easy to make friends (or keep them) when they're NT's but you will find a few along the way. You'll see!

Things do get better. Stick around to experience it.

In zen-like fashion, is there a way you might view even the desire to cut and the times you give in, as texture and as ballast instead of merely as mistakes?

Absolutely none. My anxiety made it pretty hard to follow some of my ambitions, such as beginning to play a few sports, but I've gotten too nervous to even inquire about joining (I'm too old to join now anyway).
I was given the phone number for a woman to teach me further on the accordion, but she never bothered to call me back. I was trembling and my voice shook for the voicemail, let alone a call.

I do nothing other than school (Which is now over, I'm going to a new school...Full of more doubts than happiness. My mom wouldn't let me go to the school I wanted, but I know I'll get a good education. I might regress a bit Autism wise, because all of the people there have known eachother for years, and I'm the new kid on the block.

TBH I've lost motivation to do much. I was doing a lot of language studies, which was my passion, but as all things are, they aren't free. I was thinking of taking up Greek, maybe over the Summer, but my new school isn't in English, so I have to study for that. I really don't know how I'll cope.

@Dantac Thanks... I needed that, had a really rough day. *Thumbs up*

I just went through a rough patch but it seems the storm may have been listed. I'm also lonely and friendless and been plagued by depression for years. It's beginning to subside now that I'm on Prozac. Been on it for two weeks and it seems to be helping. I go to the libraries, borrow books and films, go for walks around the neighbourhood, and go to the occasional AA/NA meeting. I'm feeling positive these days and I hope it'll happen to you soon. Take care.

Please ignore this post.

I was in a bad mood, this is SO not like me at all.

You should take Latin as well as Greek.

Its good you posted this especially if you're in a bad mood. An overwhelming majority of bad decisions are made in such moments. Instead of making one, you sought to vent and seek advice/opinions here. That takes guts and more importantly, shows that even when you're in a really bad mood you keep your wits rather than act on impulse and do something you'd regret later.

Its something to be proud of

it is very hard to stop breathing

for me its not wanting to live and knowing I should die, but something won't let me and drives me to continue even though all it leads to is more sadness and a continued worthless live being dragged on.

seems the world would be much better place without me. might make some people more happy.
two things seem to prevent me from ding it.
1. that stupid human instinct to self preservation
2. my faith and the fact suicide is a sin.

course I am also afraid of pain and a lot of ways to kill self is painful or prone to failure and worse life after.

so I live in this world where I know I should die, but can't

Glad you are feeling better

Update:

I ended up in hospital eventually (My parents were terrified I would kill myself). I'm a LOT better than before. I'm still not diagnosed with GAD, which we discovered I probably have, but I'm getting it as well as a formal diagnosis of depression.

My anxiety has significantly decreased, and I have transferred schools. I'm feeling so much better now! Next week, I will be starting taekwondo, and soon I'll be joining a few water sports. I've taken up some new hobbies and discovered my muse, I guess you could say!

To be fair, things haven't really changed. But my viewpoint and opinions of them have. I think what REALLY helped me was this saying:
"We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like." and a fact I heard about. I think it was golden gate bridge, but they surveyed survivors of suicide attempts on the bridge, and all of them said that as they fell they realised every single problem and worry was fixable.

I'm also feeling better about myself, not completely there, but significantly better. I've tried to remove "Toxic" things from my life, so everything seems to be going pretty well!

Also... Disregard my post saying "it's SO not like me" because that is NOT true. At that time, that's who I was, and I feel like I minimized what some of you guys said. Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciatee them more than you guys will know.

-Dan.

I can so identify with the feelings in the OP. I hope my time passes, too, when I can feel better about things and not be infuriated by insane troll logic or worry about where my money's going to come from.

Keep these words with you too:

A spark is all it takes to push back the darkness